There comes a time in your life when you’re required to make a circus-themed centerpiece. Maybe it’s a decoration for a child’s birthday party. Or a get-well present. Or an anniversary gift. I mean, really, what represents marriage better than mayhem and pandemonium?
And you know what evil lurks at the circus, right? CLOWNS. Fucking clowns infest the circus. And our nightmares. No circus-themed centerpiece is complete without a clown. And I’m here to show you how to make one. I’m nothing if not sick twisted helpful.
- Enlist your freighbor (neighbor who is also a friend) to shop for supplies with you. You know the one who took pictures of you defiling that open house? She will understand your vision.
- Go to five different thrift stores to find the perfect clown and doll for a whopping $3.
- Google “creepy clown faces” for inspiration and modify the non-descript thrift store clown using black and red markers and your daughter’s red glitter glue. Oh, and use a knife to scratch out some sharp teeth.
- After examining the doll more closely, decide her outfit won’t do because blood on a red dress is not horrific enough. Not. Even. Close.
- Steal the pink dress from your children’s princess puppet. Because it will really bring out the red in the blood.
- Repeat, “Sacrifices must be made in the name of art.” However many times necessary.
- After failing to put the red dress on the princess puppet (who knew puppets had such big heads?), find another use for the outfit. BECAUSE IT CAN’T GO TO WASTE.
- Ask your 10-year-old son if he has any small toy knives or swords that you can have for your art project.
- Listen to him sigh; then watch him roll his eyes and say, “I’m not helping you with whatever it is you’re doing, Mom. It’s just wrong.”
- Find a dull florists’ knife from a job you had 25 years ago. Decide it would spark more joy slicing doll flesh instead of removing thorns and leaves from flowers (or rusting in your junk drawer).
- Stab doll.
Laugh like a maniacGiggle and stab doll again.- Search your house in vein for fake blood. YOU NEED BLOOD. KNIVES CAUSE BLEEDING. THERE MUST BE BLOOD.
- Text your freighbors to see if any of them has some fake blood. Real blood will do too.
- Delight in the quick response and the fact that someone has the supplies you need.
- At your freighbor’s house, apply “blood” to doll while eating some of her freshly-baked cookies. Because it would be rude to refuse her hospitality. And nothing pairs with faux murder scenes quite like cookies. AMIRIGHT?!
- Back at home, play “Clown Murders Doll” in your dining room and debate what sound a clown would actually make when stabbing someone.
- Decide against asking your husband’s opinion about murderous clown noises. And that you need more blood.
- Go back to freighbor’s house to acquire the red gel.
- Eat more cookies. Natch.
- Gather string, markers, and red gel in a supply bag.
- Carefully pack your beautiful creation in your suitcase to bring as the perfect hostess gift for your clowning-loving friend.
- Leave a note for the TSA so they don’t think you’re a nut job. (No, REALLY. You’re not.)
- Replace your friend’s uninspired centerpiece with your masterpiece.
- Delight in your attention to detail.
- Mourn the loss of your work of art and vow to go shopping again soon with your demented freighbor. (And write another blog post about it.)
Cover Photo Credit: lauramusikanski / Morguefile
12 Responses
HAHAHAH..and horrifying. Just horrifying.
Let’s have a drink to celebrate!
Hilarious! I wish you were my freighbor.
There’s a house coming up for sale soon. I’ll keep you posted. xo
I wish I was your FREIGHBOR. And wow. My phone automatically capitalized that like it knew what I was thinking. (Help…my phone may be stalking me).
I so wish you were my freighbor as well. And not just so I could borrow your dress. xo
I’m reading this post, and I’m all like, “Ew. Clowns. Gross.” But then I got to the picture of your child’s princess puppet, and I was like, “Why is that princess in a striped prison suit?” It took me, like, 20 whole seconds to understand that censorship was involved.
So, while I’m OBVIOUSLY asking the question, “What does it say about this woman that she makes murdered clown/doll centerpieces when she’s been invited as a houseguest?”, I’m also now questioning, “What does it say about me that I automatically assume Princess puppets are being made with jail costumes as psychological tools for children with incarcerated parents?”
I don’t know, y’all. I think no answers are available for any of these questions.
There may be no answers readily available, but I enjoy discussing the possibilities. Over drinks.
That’s awesome. I need to steal the idea to go with the dead bloody ceramic-head doll graveyard we create for Halloween. Amazing! Like that you left the knife in the body — I only hope you wiped it clean of fingerprints!
CRAP. I forgot to wipe it clean. I’ll never be a successful criminal.
I wonder if the TSA people saw it – and if so, what they thought. They may have been afraid to call you 🙂
If they saw it, they also saw the mannequin head and the giant scary clown decoration. They were DEFINITELY too afraid to call me.