Everyone needs a brand-new dress every once in a while, right? Something special and fun that makes you feel fabulous? Like glitter and rainbows? (That’s exactly why I’m in the market for a new dress, not because I’ve gained five… okay, ten… FINE, I’ve put on fifteen pounds sitting on my ass writing a book and drinking wine for the past two years.)
Now, we all have certain styles that look better than others on us. Me? I’ve got a straight waist and a flat butt so I tend to look better in empire waisted and/or fit & flare dresses so as to give me the illusion of a waistline. And an ass.
I’ve been doing some online shopping at Nordstrom, of course. Why would I actually go to a store when I can peruse the racks in my pajamas while drinking wine? I mean, I guess I could do that at the store too, but the last time I did, Security asked me to leave.
I began my search looking for casual dresses and was generally horrified by what I found. Like NEVER WEAR THIS horrified. Take this “Shirt Dress” for example. This is a “good” look for me after my psychotic break. I’ll be the envy of all the other moms in the ward.
And here we have the “I’m Wearing My Husband’s Shirt, but I Cut a Hole in It So It’s Sexy” look.
I can only imagine the conversation that took place within the fashion team regarding this next dress.
“Here’s my latest concept, Ms. Fashion-Designer-Boss.”
“Uhhh, it’s another shirt dress. Can you try a little harder?”
*furiously stitches on pleat* “There!”
“I LOVE IT!”
Moving away from the overdone shirt dress (far, FAR away), for a mere $1,300, you too can dress just like Holly Hobbie.
Or a Space Age and/or Mushroom-eating Holly Hobbie:
If Pinterest and The Gap had a love-child (and gave said child tissue paper and a glue stick):
(I actually kind of like that dress. But I worry about birds nesting in it.)
I stared at this one a while, trying to figure out what it reminded me of.
And then, after the vertigo settled, it hit me. And I puked.
There seems to be a big trend in shift dresses, AKA, pillowcases with arm and head holes.
This one was clearly from a 70s porn-star’s bedding set:
This designer got extra fancy and sewed on some of Grandma’s doilies:
Is this lingerie? Curtain sheers? No, it’s the ILLUSION GOWN. The illusion of being a leg lamp.
But at least those designers tried. Or they attempted to appear to have tried. Honestly, it looks like this particular designer just took a crap on a sketchpad and then made it into a dress.
Come on, James. Try a little harder.
P.S. I did actually purchase a dress. FINE, I purchased two dresses, but I swear I’m returning one of them.
Photo Credits: All product photos from Nordstrom. Cover photo bowie15 / 123RF Stock Photo.
30 Responses
for all that is holy. Yeah..
And that pinstripe one? I once wallpapered an entire kitchen in black and white pinstripe. My mother and could barely get through it without puking. Once I put things on the wall, it was fine, but for a while I thought I made a huge mistake. Well, actually I did. It was horrible.
I hope you took some pictures of that wallpaper. Please tell me you did.
You had me at shank.
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are some pretty serious I-will-kick-your-ass boots.
I *do* kinda like the Poppy one…ahem.
Yeah, I agree with Christine, the poppy one is cute. And the clumping of the poppies aren’t placed like some buttons right over the nipples, or where the nipples once were when we were younger.
Hahaha! So true and a bit sad…
I do too. But can you imagine the dust and crumbs that would collect in the flowers? I want a comfortable, good-looking dress–not a walking floral decoration.
It’s kinda scary that you’ve found all of these awful dresses on one website! Seriously, shirt dresses?? Have those ever been flattering on anyone?!
I think I wore a shirt dress in junior high. I can assure you it looked like crap on me.
I also like the poppy one. If you end up making one for yourself, just be sure not to wear it during the pooping tree season.
I don’t think I could handle a 3D dress. Those flowers would probably freak me out every other minute ‘cuz I’d be thinking something was on me.
What the actual shit? Haa haa! These dresses are just no. But seriously I’m dress shopping right now for a wedding this summer and it appears the fashion industry has lost its damn mind in the last 3 years, which is the last time I bought clothes that weren’t related to pregnancy or nursing. Oh well, I guess the pillow case dresses hide everything, including anything remotely attractive.
Loved this! You’re hilarious.
Thank you. And good luck! It took me several hours to find even one dress to order. The endless fits of laughter were not helping.
I want to see what you ordered. ?
WHAT IN THE SHIT ARE THOSE SHOES with the caftan?
RIGHT?!
That caftan was $325! It looks like something people in a potato cult would wear.
What in the fuckity fuck did my eyes just bare witness to? If that is really the latest trends, than my 4 and 7yo daughters will be the creators of the next big designer line. Lol.
It looks like they let my 4year old design dresses. I would never buy any of those for my wife. The leg lamp made me laugh out loud and think of “The Christmas Story”…It’s a major award! The shift dresses my wife likes (Lily Pulitzer, yes she has expensive taste on a beer budget) look nothing like those fortunately.
That last dress…the designer so gave up that Birkenstocks were the best he could do..
Because it had to be a HE. No woman could make something as such for other women to wear voluntarily…unless they were designing clothes for cults.
Because surely someone is coming up with those outfits, too…
Please show us what you ordered! ?????❤️??
The package arrives on Monday!
Okay…. But you could show what you picked via online shopping. You don’t have to show the brand, just pic and maybe description.
I order online a ton, and have had many failures as well as some successes. Its be fun to show each other stuff (shit) we order online and tell what we think about it.
Oh, My:
‘The Emperor’s New Clothes for Women’ by Foxy Wine Pocket: A Real Woman’s Belief System for Nakedness Defined.
Really, Nordstrom’s is just proof that there is too much money out there and no starving children to notice on the way to spend it.
*furiously stitches on pleat* “There!”
BWAHAHAHAHAAA!! You had me laughing out loud the entire time!
And the pillowcases with arm and head holes … WTAF??
Those can’t be real. Tell me those dresses aren’t real.
This is why I don’t buy clothes. The one dress I bought back in 2007 will do me just fine, thanks.
Surely no one in their right mind would pay$$ for these atrocities??? The best things are ( most) of the shoes. Not the Birks though! All beyond hideous ?
Right?!
I’ve been shopping for plus-size swimsuits lately, and the experience has been similar: misshapen mellow-inspired atrocities that cost more than an extra kidney.
I don’t understand. Like, the people who design these things are humans, right? Like, it’s in their own self-interest to have clothes they want to wear, right? Or do you have to be hit on the head so many times to be admitted to fashion school?
Blerg. Oh, well. At least I’ll know who to blame when I end up swimming in the nude at my gym. “It’s FASHION’s FAULT, security guard! IT’s FASHION’s FAULT for not having ANY cute swimsuits in my size that didn’t cost more than my car!!!”
Yeah. That should work. I’m totally not going to get arrested.