The first time I used a public restroom with my father, who had recently transitioned to a woman, was—quite frankly—unsettling. Not because I was afraid any crime would occur, rather, because for the first twenty-four years of my life, she (then he) had used the men’s restroom. Walking arm-in-arm with her into the ladies room was a surreal experience for me. (Probably for her too.)
If any other women in the bathroom noticed, none of them commented. All of us gals went about our business of attending to nature’s call, and my once-male-now-female parental unit felt secure. Imagine what it would have been like for her—a woman—to use the men’s restroom? At best, there would have been looks, comments, and/or ridicule. At worst, she could have been in real danger.
Naturally, I rejoiced when Target issued a formal policy allowing patrons to select whichever bathroom and/or fitting room aligns with their gender identity. I feel it keeps our transgender community comfortable and safe, and I applaud Target for continuing to stand for equality, respect, and inclusivity.
But—let’s be brutally honest—there are indeed crimes that happen in public restrooms. Some horrid ones. So I created my own list of rules to address those heinous acts.
- Whether you sit or squat or straddle or stand in front of the toilet seat, clean up your pee. Wipe down the seat. Or the wall. Or wherever you sprayed. You are not a dog, and the bathroom is not your territory. Nobody wants to marinate in your urine.
- Flush the goddamn toilet. Was your poop huge? A strange color? An usual shape? Take a picture and text it to your poop club. Then flush that shit down. The product of your bowels is not art. (Unless you created Donald Trump’s face.)
- Tell the next patron (or an attendant) if there is no toilet paper in the stall. Do not leave anyone hanging or begging someone else to spare a square. Jesus taught us better: treat others how you want to be treated. I’m certain he was talking about bathroom etiquette too.
- Don’t be a fucking slob. Handle your litter appropriately. Used sanitary products and diapers should be wrapped up and disposed of properly. Did you drop some toilet paper? Put it in the toilet. Dirty paper towels go in the garbage can. Not on the floor. Not by the sink. Not wetted down and then thrown at the wall. This is basic common courtesy.
- Help a pooper out. Most of us don’t like pooping or farting in a public bathroom. If you hear that happening, make some noise. Sing a song. Flush a toilet to help drown out another person’s agony. (It’s that Jesus thing again.)
- For the love of all things holy (and sanitary), do not talk on your phone, eat food, do drugs, or have sex in a public restroom. Gross, disgusting, illegal, and BARF. Don’t solicit sex either. (I’m looking at you, Republican senator.)
- Wash your damn hands. Random fecal matter sprinkled around public places is the stuff of nightmares.
So there you have it: my list of atrocities we should actually be worried about when it comes to public restrooms. Follow the rules. Do your part. Teach your children to do the same. If there is a problem—any problem—in a bathroom, inform someone who can address it.
Now can we please stop focusing on other people’s genitals? Well, unless it’s for a good reason. *winks not at all subtly*
Photo Credit: linno1234 / 123RF Stock Photo
23 Responses
Totally badass!!!
Just like you! xoxo
I am for a gender neutral bathroom and keep the ladies room for ladies, mens room for men. My granddaughter and I will not go into a public restroom with men allowed in there.
Obviously you can choose to avoid any public restroom you like. But trans women aren’t men; they are women.
I must say I am a little confused about what you mean by ‘gender neutral?’ I confess to being an impatient woman who will often be the first to use a ‘men’s room’ when there is a long long line at the woman’s room (and no one at the men’s), frequently followed by other bold woman…and am sorry to report, that men seem to follow Foxy’s etiquette (which seems like GREAT COMMON SENSE) even less that women…and it totally befuddles me that my fellow humans don’t share our hydrenic values. Foxy speaketh the truth, yet again.
Hilariously well said! I would go so far as to say these rules should be posted in every public bathroom in America ?????
Right?! I was just in a public restroom today, and it was a MESS. (Naturally I informed an employee.) I don’t understand people.
This is perfect.
Thank you! And thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. 🙂
Thanks so much! This is hilarious and spot-on!
Thanks so much for your support, Jim!
Amen! Thank you! And bless Target and their common sense.
Thank YOU for reading and commenting. And, yes, Target has my utmost respect.
Stop focusing on my genitals foxy.
Great post.
You sexy minx, you. xoxo
Great article, Foxy! I wish this didn’t only apply to public restrooms–you wouldn’t believe what’s left behind (hehe…behind!) in parking lots! If only people would follow these simple rules….
This is freaking hilarious. No matter what someone’s opinion may be. Seriously. Spot on funniness right here. And TRUTH! Ive never understood why people are GROSS in public restrooms. RUDE. CRUDE. And NOT okay.
As someone who was sexually assaulted as a 10 yr old in a secluded public restroom at a campground, I find it insensitive that you make a joke about a VERY serious matter.
This happened over 40 yrs ago and I still live with the after math of that horrific day. Since that day I have always, and will always be very careful about public restrooms and changing areas. Making a joke about it solves nothing and makes it sound like those of us that have had to live with the ever enduring after effects are to be laughed at. NOT funny.
Transgenders are NOT the problem pedophiles and rapists ARE.
Guess what? They don’t care about laws, bathroom etiquette or other such nonsense. All they are looking for are ways to get to their next victim, the more vulnerable the better.
If it means walking into a restroom to do it, THEY WILL, I know and so do many other victims, this is not an uncommon place for such things to happen.
I am so sick of this debate, it is going to become a bigger problem, more victims, more trauma, more fucked up people when it could have been avoided to some extent.
Every time I have this debate I get the same reaction, “the percentages of such things in restrooms are so low, it isn’t a real problem.” Can’t we say the same about transgenders having problems in restrooms?
Why are their feelings more important than the SAFETY of women and children from the sickos of the world???
First off, I am terribly sorry you were the victim of such a horrific crime. Terribly, incredibly sorry. Having been diagnosed with PTSD (for a very different reason) myself, I understand the lasting impact of trauma, and I would never wish that on anyone.
I am not making light of serious crime; rather, I am using humor to bring awareness to the fact that the transgender community is not responsible for this crime.
As you say, transgenders are not the problem; pedophiles and rapists are. I don’t believe that discriminating against a group of people is the correct way to address the crimes of others. We need other systems and legislation in place to protect society against the real criminals, not more hate and inequality for innocent people just trying to live their lives.
Again, I am so sorry for your pain. And I wish you nothing but the best.
Thank you for your kind words, I couldn’t agree more. I am sorry that you understand trauma on a personal level, but I appreciate that you do.
Now to get something in place to make everyone feel safe and respected…legislation for nationwide family restrooms/changing rooms that allow people that prefer that alternative to have it available to them.
YES! Just last Tuesday, I nearly peed myself while going stall to stall trying to find a non pissed on toilet.
This bathroom law is a lot like the concealed carry law…..I don’t care what you’re packing, just don’t point it at me 😉 Joking aside, people just want to pee! We’ve shared bathrooms with transgender people for many years, so why is it a frickin issue now? Oh, I guess it’s because all the people in an uproar never realized it until it was brought to their attention…
YES, to all of this.