“Mom, something’s wrong with the Goldfish crackers you gave me.”
My notoriously picky daughter often complains about things being “off” or “bad” when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them.
So, I didn’t believe her. “What? I bought the cheddar ones, not the plain ones. Or the multi-grain ones. Or, God forbid, the multi-colored ones that you hate. They’re the good ole-fashioned highly-processed Goldfish crackers that you love.”
“No,” she argued. “There’s something really wrong with them.”
I rolled my eyes. “I just bought them yesterday. They’re fine.”
My son, who once drank an entire glass of milk before telling me it was sour, stepped up to support his sister, “Actually, mom, they didn’t taste good at all.”
I shrugged. “Let’s give them to your father then. He’ll eat anything.”
Except, after trying one, he wouldn’t eat any more. “These are HORRIBLE. They taste like adobe bricks.”
“Huh. That’s weird. Let me try ‘em.”
I immediately regretted my decision. Spitting out orange remnants into the sink like an angry llama, I screamed, “Dear God. What is wrong with those?! They taste like loneliness and desperation.”
I had just bought them, and, of course, I had bought the big box. But apparently Pepperidge Farm forgot to salt this batch. And possibly coated them with dirty sand. “So what the hell do I do with them?”
“Throw them away?” my husband suggested.
“No, that’s such a waste. Surely we can figure out a use for them.”
“Why don’t you feed them to the birds?”
“Uhhh, we’ve got enough bird problems already.”
I googled, “What do you do with nasty goldfish.” After bypassing several articles on how unhealthy these snacks are, I found a piece entitled, “How long can a goldfish survive if you swallow it?”
I laughed and thought about that guy in college who use to do shots with goldfish. Disgusting. (But hilarious.)
That article gave me an idea. I put one of the goldfish in a mason jar so my son could have that pet fish he’s always wanted. (I threw a piece of kale in because, God knows, no one is going to eat that either.)
“I bought you a pet goldfish, Colin!” I hollered with delight.
Colin scowled. “That’s not funny, mom.”
“What?! That’s totally funny.”
“NO. It’s not.”
“Come on. Admit it—it’s a little bit funny.”
“It’s not even ONE little bit funny.”
“It is so. Let me put it on Facebook. They’ll think it’s funny there…”
My daughter interjected, “Colin, she goes away faster if you just say she’s funny. It doesn’t matter if she is or not.” Clearly, she is older and wiser than my son.
I kept Goldy on the kitchen counter for a few days, laughing every time I passed him. When he died and his little bloated body sunk, I performed a fishy funeral.
As I was retrieving Goldy II from the bag of foul goldfish, Colin came into the kitchen, took one look at the jar, and retched up his breakfast.
Fine. It wasn’t funny anymore.
6 Responses
I dunno..It’s pretty funny.
We had a goldfish from a fair once and named it Mr Pink. It lived for FOUR years. FOUR. They are supposed to die in the car on the way home.
This kind of crappy goldfish would have been better.
You just need a goat. That’s what I do with crappy goldfish. But she won’t eat ANYTHING if the dog touches it first. She’s a haughty goat. Picky, too.
Maybe Paint the goldfish with clear nail polish before putting him in his bowl. Or clear caulk…
My son got out of eating eggs by puking.
Puking ALWAYS wins.
Probably wrong to donate them to a food kitchen, huh? I bet you could get Pepperidge farm to reimburse you if you sent them back.
Although, I did like your solution.
I knew this was going to be good as soon as I saw the picture. Which I would like to frame and hang on my wall.
Once I bought a mini frozen chocolate satin pie – I was craving it like crazy and when I got home, I opened that sucker and defrosted it immediately. Then I took a big bite – and realized that key lime pie had been put into the chocolate pie box. I’m not a hater of key lime – but when you want chocolate, key lime is not a substitute. I emailed the company, who were aware of the issue with that particular batch – and then sent me a ton of free product coupons. I had chocolate pie for about a year (and gained about ten pounds in the process). You should totally write Pepperidge Farm – your children would probably thank you.
LOL I was reading this as I was eating some Pizza Goldfish and they were GOOD! Too funny….unsalted like? Ehhhh!
B