Okay, I don’t actually have a joke. I’m just awkwardly introducing a different kind of post. See, depression and anxiety have walked back into my life, and they don’t seem to want to leave. Like intrusive houseguests who have overstayed their welcome, they are invading my space and turning me into someone I don’t recognize. (Somebody smells bad in this particular analogy, and I’m pretty sure it’s me.)
I walk around in a fog. I lack the energy and desire to do the things I used to do. Once a careful planner, I can’t even schedule the simplest of activities. I cancel dates, forget birthdays and anniversaries, and generally avoid people. I ignore phone calls. (Fine, I’ve always done that—I’m just not a phone person.) I have doubts about my career choice, my life choices, and even the simplest of decisions. I am exhausted during the day, but my racing heart and mind keep me awake at night. I spend any time I don’t have to be somewhere else in bed—sometimes crying, sometimes binge-watching Netflix, sometimes just staring at the ceiling. All the while wanting to be motivated, but paralyzed by a million simultaneous thoughts and lacking the will to fight.
Don’t get me wrong—it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve helped California’s drought by not showering. I’ve decreased my laundry load significantly by wearing the same t-shirt and yoga pants for days on end. I’ve reduced my carbon footprint and saved a shit-ton of money by not driving to any stores.
Still, I’m getting really tired of myself. So is my bedroom light fixture. See this guy? He’s judging me with his judgey little eye.
I finally dragged myself to the doctor to start medication again. That sounds so easy, but it most definitely was not. When you don’t have the motivation to complete even the simplest of tasks, taking that first step to get help seems insurmountable. It took me several months to find a new doctor, make all of the calls, set up the appointments, and get over the financial hurdles. (And I have relatively good insurance. It really shouldn’t be this difficult.)
But it was definitely worth it. Aside from the obvious benefits of talking to someone and putting together a treatment plan, I discovered that my hot flashes are due to my anxiety disorder and not early menopause. #winning?
Now I have a chemical war raging in my body as my doctor and I go through the careful trial and error of discovering which medication works best with my physiology. Unfortunately, our Lexipro experiment failed. It initially made me a human lightning ball, and then it turned me into a non-stop-crying zombie. (Just in time for the premiere of The Walking Dead though.)
So I’m transitioning to Zoloft to see if that’s the right medication for me. I mention this because I probably won’t be around as much—my body is extremely sensitive to drugs. So for everybody’s safety, I’ll be starting a new series on Netflix.
I also mention this because I want to encourage anyone else who is experiencing similar feelings to seek help. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is most definitely treatable. Even though recognizing the signs and symptoms can be difficult. Even though taking that first step seems impossible. Even though it sometimes takes a couple of tries to find the right therapist and/or medication.
You. Are. Worth. It.
Thank you to my friends who have checked in on me, to everyone for being patient with me, and most especially to Mr. Foxy for pulling double shift on the home front. I promise I’m working on the funny. A brand-new season of Foxy Wine Pocket is just around the corner. But for now, I could really use some good Netflix recommendations. Anyone?
Photo Credit: kmiragaya / 123RF Stock Photo
61 Responses
I love you so much. I am sorry you are suffering and hope you come out on the other side SOON!
Watch Sense8 on netflix
I deeply appreciate all of your posts. Funny, or serious. You have a great gift. (What is the good stuff to watch on Netflix?)
So sorry you’re having this hard time. Thanks for posting about it. Helps us all. Good luck on the quest!
#depressioncanbiteme
So sorry you’re dealing with this!!!! I took Pristiq when I was suffering from post partum depression/anxiety. Maybe an option??
I’m not a big TV watcher but my hub says to try “Narcos”.
Hope you find your new normal soon!!
foxy, take care of yourself. i’m so sorry to hear you have to go through this, again. i wish there were a cure for people like us. hang in there please.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. Sounds like you have a good support system and a good plan of action. Here are my favorite things I’ve watched in a while (and I hate most TV) Catastrophe (I think it’s from Amazon) and Man Seeking Woman (from FX Network) Both funny. All my best.
Oh Foxy, take care of yourself. We’ll be here waiting when you are ready. And thank you for being so honest about something that so many of us struggle with. You are my hero!
And check out The Vicar of Dibly. 30 minute episodes, BBC British humor, hysterically funny, I love it.
Xoxoxo
Praying for you!
Funny enough i went from zoloft to lexapro. Zoloft helped for a while but then it stopped and when we tried to up the dose i went cray cray.
Lexapro seems to be working right now- does not take all symptoms away but seems to be helping for now
I hope you can find the medicine that help!
I love you. Thank you for sharing. Depression hits me now and again. I’m thankful for running because sometimes it’s all I have. My hubby is overwhelmed by it too, but he’s on meds so that helps him! I often times fight to hide my depression because I don’t want the kidlets to see me in that state. Hugs to you from afar! Xoxo
You had me in tears Foxy…this is EXACTLY how I am feeling. You expressed in words what I was having trouble saying to my friends and family. Thank you so much. I hope you feel better soon…your funny is the best…it never fails to make me smile….grandma…clowns…open houses violated.
As for Netflix…check out The Defenders…kind of a short run but it was really good.
xxoo
Not sure if it’s on Netflix, but it’s on Comedy Central. Watch Drunk History. You will laugh your fool head off! Also, John Oliver. His bit on horny space geckos is great medicine 🙂 Hang in there, Foxy.
Better days are coming my friends. Starting an anti depressant literally changed my life & I have been through it all. One word of advice, if you don’t click with your psychiatrist or clinician look for another. They are also only human, but don’t just stop seeing them! I started seeing someone who I ended up giving advice to, wrong person for me to see.
For what it is worth exercise can help reduce symptoms by 40%. That ALWAYS cracked me up because I didn’t want to move! Seriously though please eat properly & have your vitamins & minerals checked when you have blood work. Example, Iron to rule out anemia, magnesium is also very important. AFTER you feel a little better look at holistic nutrition & juicing. You would be surprised how extremely helpful just drinking the right amount of water each day will help! I got a Berkey table top water filter & our children stopped drinking soda & juice paks( on their own!). I also had chronic fatigue, vitamins & smoothies helped tremendously. For anyone reading this please check with a Dr. or nutritionist because everyone is different & our bodies are beautiful complex machines.
BTW it is ocd awareness month. Mental illness is no different from heart disease or diabetes or other chronic illness. We need to educate everyone this is nothing to be ashamed of. There are many options to help lead a happier stable life & you are not alone. It is a beautiful world & life ahead of us all. Better days are coming, keep the faith.
Reign, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk empire, Turn some of my favorite netflix because they had large number of episodes or were a bit historical – i know I can be a nerd.
Lastly, be kind to yourself, we are always too critical of ourselves. Remember you are loved for who you are.
I felt for you reading this as I know all these parts of depression. Keep your sense of humor and try to have good hair ( I always felt that I could get through anything with good hair)….That and all the support and all the tools you already use will get you through! Thinking of you….
So sorry you’re feeling down. You always bring a smile to me when I read your posts. Hope that you and your doctor find the right balance soon. Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt and arrested development are hilarious on netflix! Drunk history is on Hulu and is awesome – loved watergate! Hopefully they will bring you some laughs.
Lots of love to you!
I’ve been dealing with depression for going on 20 years now, finally went on meds 3 years ago and it’s like day and night. Good luck with the med trials/transitions and keep us in the loop. If you need a sounding board or a “shoulder” we’re here for you.
Big hugs to Mr. foxy too!! A good support system is vital.
As you can see from a lot of the comments, you are not alone. So many of us with mental illness feel alone all of the time, even when surrounded with those we love. Thank you for this post, you are helping many people. Try Arrow on Netflix, good story, and sexy star. Keep us posted when you can, funny or not.
I have been where you are, in fact, still am. I feel for you as it’s a hard struggle. Thoughts & Prayers being sent your way.
As for a Netflix….I started Supernaturals…..10 seasons there. Balance that with a walk…even a short one…and don’t go on that alone…too much time in your own brain is never good. Have someone nearby…Mr Foxy perhaps?
All the best.
I have met you once, and enjoy following your spot on and say what everyone else might be thinking style posts!
Sorry to hear of your pain, and I HEAR you! I hope things start looking up for you very soon, well, not literally, cuz I am pretty sure that bedroom light fixture guy is not as interesting as the rest of your life.
I LOVED Sons of Anarchy, didn’t think I would, as I am not your typical biker chick or motorcycle enthusiast, nor do I even think about any of that sort of thing, ever…
However, if you just watch it to see Charlie Hunnan…I am not “saying” that is why I watch it. 🙂
Take care of yourself.
Dammit! That’s shitty news and I’m sad to hear it, though I appreciate your checking in and letting us know what’s going on.
You do an excellent job of describing depression, Foxy. (Is there anything you’re not good at?) I’ve battled it my entire adult life, so I get what’s happening with you now. Trying out the different anti-depressants is such a sucky process, especially if you are super sensitive to medications. I’m very impressed that you fought your way to the surface to write this post—way to stay as connected as you can right now! I’m always in awe of you and am fighting my girl crush on you even as I write this.
I’ll be thinking of you and praying that the interventions you’ve taken begin working quickly. I think that watching Netflix is an excellent way to keep your mind engaged.
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My recommendations:
Bloodline
Bojack Horseman
Narcos (if you’re up for subtitles)
Peaky Binders
Worth watching again:
Friday Night Lights
Six Feet Under
On Amazon:
Transparent (you’ve probably managed to see this given your own experience, but great a second time)
Flight of the Conchords
Catastrophe
Family Tree
This American Life
Shameless (UK version)
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You rock, girl. Don’t let depression make you forget it. I look forward to whatever you write next, no matter the subject. xoxo
Thank you. I too am once again suffering and was just debating whether to call my doctor and go back on Lexapro. All of those symptoms you are describing are similar to mine and since I believe I am in menopause (10 months no period), the hot flashes are all over the place. Never thought to connect them to this anxiety I’m feeling. I’m going to go back to yoga tonight and see if it helps. If I can continue with it as I was, I will defer the medication but your post was so eye opening that if I feel like this anxiety is continuing, I’m calling my doctor. I just can’t believe reading your post, which I do all the time, would have something that I needed exactly right now.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have anxiety and panic disorder, and it has been in high gear lately. I’m not on meds, other than ativan as needed. Lexapro made my anxiety WORSE and Buspar only worked for a while. So, I’m not sure what to do. I’m glad you are making progress.
DO NOT watch Sons of Anarchy. I had to stop.
My friend only someone who walks the same road truly knows and have been holding you in prayers for some time now….I had to get my husband into the hospital for his and on meds now doing better, but it has kicked my butt as well for too many months to count not on meds myself. It sucks, just no easy way to say it, it sucks! I don’t wish it on my worst enemy…know I am always here an email of phone call away. Much love! xoxo
Thank you for sharing this. Depression and anxiety are so common but either swept under the rug or looked down upon as a sign of weakness.
Those of us who live with depression and anxiety are often the strongest.
Foxy,
I am so sorry you’re going through this, but thank you so so much for sharing it with us. I’m struggling with the same issues right now and just met with a new doc about upping my doses (citalopram). I hope you find the right meds for you fast and get back to feeling like you. Hugs!
Thank you for being so open and honest about depression. I know that you are helping so many people who are going through depression, too. Just wanted you to know that you are admired by family and friends and we love you for who you are. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Keep moving forward……there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
As someone whose family is rife with mental illness, I wanted to say thank you for being open about the issues you are facing. Yes, you are WORTH it.
a tale of Uncle Cloyce ( a paranoid schizophrenic) who worked for an unnamed city. Naturally after he forgot to put brake fluid in the mayors car, they were reluctant to have him working on his regular maintenance job. So they put him on school maintenance. there was this one school where he had to go out and replace windows daily, and several of them. Uncle Cloyce did something many people would never have thought of, he went around picking up stones in the area for 2 blocks in every direction. The window breakage rate plummeted. Uncle Cloyce won an award from the city. Mind you they were still upset when he took off his clothes and walked down a 5 lane hwy, but that’s another story.
Hugs to you Foxy!
I find myself relating to your stories with laughter and honesty! I hope that u can find a place were the cycle of depression and anxiety no longer rules your mind and body! For me mindfulness is a must! Also watch the Fosters on Netflixs and the movie Cloud Burst! U will love it! Be well, lady with great stories!
Foxy Love,
I am damn sorry that you are not feeling up to your usual hyjinx and shenanigans. I have no advice or recommendations other than stay plugged into your doctor and hopefully soon the two of you will find the solution that gets you back to your usual fun and fun loving person. I am thinking of you though and sending you all of my best wishes, but none of my fucks. I just don’t have that many left to give. (See what I did there?)
XoXoXo
P.S. Netflix? I live for that shit The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is ridicules. It’s only one season (so far) And yes you should watch Sons of Anarchy. It would be like hometown story for you.
OMG is it in the water?!?! I have been an over achieving, ass kickin’, more than full time civil engineering BD marketer, mom of 2 (3 if you count my man child) and BSA volunteer for so long and then something happened!!! All the sudden I had a fucking Michael Douglas falling down moment that turned into severe depression followed by tyrant rages…. I’m finally starting to feel better and I hope you do too — I eliminated things from my diet and started working out again, even when I absolutely DID NOT WANT TO! YOU CAN do this… do t just hang in there – do a pull up ?❤️❤️❤️
This couldn’t be more timely for me. I am going thru this as you are. I could have written this. Knowing we are not alone helps. Thank you for sharing…I feel like you reached out to hold my hand.
Kellie
P.S. I showered today….my greatest accomplishment in 3 days!
So sorry you’re having this struggle. I’ve been on Zoloft for more years than I can remember. I hope it helps you too. Please know you are not alone!
Your description is spot on, so don’t give up on the writing bit quite yet! I have bipolar disorder so anxiety, depression, and (bonus!)mania are always lurking in the shadows even on my best days. If the day is too good I have to watch out for that manic switch. I am so sorry you’re going through this right now, but thank you so much for sharing. It gets better, you just have to always remember that, because it’s true, it always does if you’re patient with yourself. ?
Hey you – you’re brave and wonderful. It’s tough to be vulnerable and honest, and so many people aren’t. I love you and am here for you. SO many people feel the same way about you that I do. What does that say? That you’re special but also that you’ve given us so much of yourself that we want to give back to you. (And more than just Netflix recommendations). 🙂 But since you asked, I will give you some. I am going through an escapist phase right now on Netflix, maybe you’ll like it too. 1) Being Human (four seasons with tons of episodes and 2) The Originals (there are 2 seasons)
Next time my husband sees me hanging out in bed and asks me what is wrong now….. I can just hand him my iPad to read your post. Your description is spot on. My favorite question from family “what have you got to be depressed about?” I misplaced my magic wand, again!
Take care of yourself Foxy.
As someone who has mental illness in my family and suffered from postnatal anxiety, I really appreciate your honesty and your support for people that might need help. Going to the doctor is a big achievement. I’ve encouraged friends & family to go after they have put it off for years and they all said they wished they went sooner! I hope Zoloft works for you and your back to your happy & energetic self very soon.
u r loved and appreciated . One breath at a time . Cry n yell n be sad n angry n frustrated n have bed days ! But please please don’t give up . Netflix = olive kittridge … Ur brave for speaking up . Please please don’t give up . Xxxx
I love you!
Netflix:
The Office (it’s better the second time around and binge watched)
Scandal
Bloodline
The IT Crowd
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Jane the Virgin
When I am down, I don’t find funny Netflix shows help. I need a quieter gentler universe which I can deep dive into. So I recommend Midsomer Murders (endless seasons). An oldfashioned police detective show set in a fake very white rich England of now. Or Poirot (of Agatha Christie fame) set in the 1930s. Neither is very demanding or gory. Both are universes far enough away from my world to be escapist.
But you wrote something today! I managed to crawl out of bed today at 2:30pm, in time to shower and put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before my child walked in the door from school. I did the smile and high five when he told me about a good test grade. In otherwords, I act like everything is okay. Today was not a great day, but that’s the thing about depression. It grabs on to you like a horny spouse just as you enter a peaceful sleep.
Keep writing. I’m trying to get back in the game.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will be seeing my doctor in a few weeks and requesting Wellbutrin again. This must sucks, until one day it doesn’t anymore.
Went through this myself a few years ago. Still suffer from some anxiety, but Celexa has been great for my depression. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you come out the other side soon.
Miss reading your posts. I have 3 bottles of each ic my medicines for anxiety and depression but scared to scared taking them again. I was on them for a long time until insurance ran out. Now I have to pay over the counter and I managed to get new scripts but all I managed to do was fill them and stash them in the medicine cabinet.
So glad you have the courage to reach out and get help. Good luck to you.
That sucks so bad and I’m sorry for you. In addition to the medication I also hope counseling is part of your plan. Counseling is really amazing, it has helped me with personal crises, another layoff, and just dealing with modern life in these crazy times. I highly recommend it, especially to someone who thinks “I don’t need counseling”. God bless you and your recovery 🙂
I do not personally know the struggle you face, however I have watched/supported/agonised/beamed with admiration as my Mum faces the same struggle. I totally agree it is not taboo and we all need to talk about it. Not be afraid to speak out, well done and good luck xx
You’ve probably already binge-watched all of these, but…
United States of Tara
Dexter
Breaking Bad
The Following
The Killing
The Riches
Orange is the New Black
xoxo Love you, Foxy
You are right on it in describing how depression feels….the worst time of my life! Weaning off medication at this point after five years, so far, so good…..thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to get it all out there.
Check out Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries! Best wishes with finding the right medication. I was lucky, Welbutrin worked for my dad so that’s what my doctor and I tried first, and it worked. Except that after a while, it didn’t work so well. So now I’m on the same dose of Welbutrin and a small dose of Prozac, and that combo seems to work well. Good for you for trying!! You deserve the best!!
Love your candid transparency — and as always, your humor.
Much love and hugs to you!
I echo all the comments above. We love you and are happy to know you’re taking care of yourself. I watched a shit ton of Walking Dead the last time I went through a dark period. I also watched Sister Wives and that made it waaaayyyyy worse, so I don’t recommend it.
Thank you for sharing. Been there, in the Target parking big lot the day before thanksgiving. Hating everyone including my children. I realized the common denominator was me. Thank the Lord Jesus for Wellbutrin(check it out if you don’t like Lexapro). Your alright, sister. ?
Y’all are absolutely amazing, and I’m incredibly grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for all of the kind and supportive words–and for the great Netflix recommendations. xoxo
Thinking of you. I hope the Zoloft does the trick. My mom’s been on Zoloft for 20 years now and it changed her life (wish she had found it about 30 years earlier… but of course it didn’t exist then). Hope it helps you as much as it has helped her.
And you totally need to watch some lighthearted Netflix. No Dexter for you right now.
Arrested Development
Archer
Terriers
The first couple seasons of Louie
Early South Park
Parks and Recreation
Hang in there.
All I can say is I am so feeling you sister! And after having been feeling the same way for months now your post has finally given me the kick in the pants to get going on scheduling myself a Dr’s appointment. I need my life back and my kids need their mother back. I’m tired of being eaten up with guilt knowing I’m not being the best mom I can be. And darn it- I did used to be fun! Thank you!
me too.
I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. Good that you’re taking action to feel better! We’ll all be patiently looking forward to your return.
I recommend you watch Stranger Things, Outlander, Jessica Jones.
I have such a love-hate relationship with modern medicine. It’s the *fine print* that gets me every time and after ten years on and off of anti-anxiety meds, I finally took myself off last month. So far, so good and I am going through some pretty heavy shit right now. I wish you lived closer, Fox. We could commiserate together and watch bad television. I love you. xoxo
Are you serious and here you did this beautiful thing for ME?! You know I know this journey intimately and I am so proud of you for sharing the story for others sake. I was terrified to do so, almost lost my kids because of it, but I believed, as you do, it could help another AND HELP ME as it WILL help YOU. Keep on keeping on, you know I am ALWAYS here any hour…I am ususally awake at night too for FBchat/text if not wanting to call. Oh and Prozac Weekly is one I have had success at as it’s a time release….so much love my friend! xoxoxo
Celexa AKA Citalopram. Works great for me for anxiety and depression. In case your current plan doesn’t do the trick. Hugs my friend.
I’m with you sister. Tip: Avoid Bupropion aka Wellbutrin, gave me a two minute major seizure.
Netflix recomendations:
Stranger things
Walking dead
Lie to me
Sense8
4400
Hey I just wanted to say thank you for writing this! I really needed to hear it. I have been on Zoloft for quite a few years and recently I feel like it’s not working anymore. It’s hard when you don’t have any energy and are feeling depressed a lot of the time. Then anxiety cones in too! I hope this change in medication will be helpful to you. I think I need to get into a doc and do the same thing. I am just worried about weening off of one medication and about the side effects of a new one.