My Dearest Husband,
Welcome home! I hope you had a wonderful day at work. I know, I know, I look like hell (again) this evening. Honest to goodness, I had every intention of showering today and making myself more presentable, but it just didn’t happen.
There are endless reasons why I didn’t shower today, but here are the first dozen off the top of my head…
- Your snoring and the baby kept me up last night so I pressed snooze a couple of times to get a little more sleep. Okay, fine. I hit snooze five times, and I completely missed my window of opportunity to shower before the kids woke up.
- Then everyone was cranky and screaming for needed breakfast. And I am the only one in the house who knows where to find the cereal and how to pour milk. Apparently.
- After I dropped off the kids at school, I had to go to the grocery store. Did you know I’m in charge of snacks for the class party tomorrow? Me neither. Until our daughter handed me a note this morning that she received over a week ago.
- Once I got home, I realized that I didn’t have a clean pair of yoga pants, and it seemed gross to put my freshly showered body back into my less-than-fresh clothes. So I started some laundry instead.
- Then I was going to shower during naptime, but guess what? The baby had other plans. Those plans did not include sleep or quiet alone time.
- So I decided to exercise while the baby played, and there’s no point in showering until after I exercise. Because, sweat.
- Unfortunately the dog puked before I even got my yoga mat in place, and I had to clean that up. That task involved a make-shift hazmat suit, a steam cleaner, and a lot bit of profanity. (She got into the art supplies again.)
- Even though I really wanted a shower at that point, Common Core Math (and a hysterical kid) took up the rest of my afternoon.
- And then I needed to make dinner. Because we all need to eat to stay healthy—and not attack each other. Didn’t I just do this yesterday?
- But here’s the thing: there’s a major drought going on all over the Western United States. So, really, I’m saving water. And money.
- And the messy bun look is popular, right? Tell me I look sexy. TELL! ME! NOW!
- Besides, I used some baby wipes on all of my smelly parts so I’m clean and sweet-smelling—just like a newborn.
Instead of looking at me in horror, why don’t you take charge of the kids and let me go have that shower now? Which I probably won’t do because a glass of wine and some mindless television sound way more appealing.
Sincerely,
Your Beautiful-If-Slightly-Disheveled Wife
P.S. I’ll try again tomorrow. I promise.
© 2014 Kathryn Leehane, as first published on Scary Mommy. (And I don’t have a baby anymore so you didn’t miss any important announcements.)
Photo Credit: dirkkoebernik / 123RF Stock Photo (You didn’t think I was going to include an unshowered picture of myself, did you?)
10 Responses
Baby wipes on your smelly parts…HAHAHAHAHAHAAH
God, I love you.
They work really well, I swear. xoxo
To quote the Bangles, these are the days when you wish your bed was already made. I daydream often about having all the wealth I could ever need. Not sure how I get this wealth but I’d like nannies (yes multiple) for my two kids, my own personal stylist, my own personal trainer, chef, etc etc. I don’t think that’s too much to expect out of life. Right?
Sounds completely reasonable to me. Why hasn’t it happened yet?
Makes you wonder why women sign up for this mothering job in the first place sometimes, doesn’t it? No salary, no vacation or sick time, glowing job reviews that are too few and far between….I’d extol all the great things about having kids, but mine are in high school so I’m going to go take that shower now.
Excellent and extremely clever post as usual, Foxy!
High school? Is that when the regular showering comes back?
Yes, but only if the will to look presentable hasn’t been beaten out of you by then.
Now the imaginative (not a lot, but enough) husband says “Get ’em off! In the shower now! With ME!”
Hmmm, I think Mr. Foxy wishes I’d respond to that. But shower time is solo time in my house.
If there is a woman who hasn’t had those days, I don’t want to know her.