There’s nothing quite so orgasmic as inserting a freshly-baked homemade cookie into my mouth. My tongue delicately caresses the firm exterior. My teeth gently penetrate the crispy butter-and-brown-sugar magic shell until the confection yields to the pressure and releases its warm, oozing delights inside of me. I moan and lick my lips with intense satisfaction.
But the moment you introduce a raisin into that delectable treat? Well, you might as well have served the cookie in a used maxi pad sandwich. Because you just turned it into crap.
Raisins have no place in baked goods. NONE. I don’t want them in my cookies or my breads or my sticky buns. (Or my non-sticky buns, for that matter.)
You can’t mask raisins with sugar and cinnamon either. They are foul and mushy—like tiny assholes in the middle of your treat. They add a distracting sweetness—like a horrible infection. As my talented, smart, beautiful friend Brooke once told me, they are “dried fruit testicles.”
YEP. AND THEY DON’T BELONG IN BAKED GOODS.
“But Foxy,” you say, “what about other dried fruits? Dried cranberries are delicious in scones.”
NO. No, they are not. Fresh blueberries are delicious in scones. But cranberries? Well cranberries aren’t delicious … anywhere. In fact, unless you have a raging urinary tract infection or vodka and a lime, I don’t know why you’re consuming anything cranberry-related—especially when shriveled up like a miniature ball sac.
Don’t get me wrong; I do like raisins and other dried fruit. Just not in my baked goods. I sprinkle them on my morning cottage cheese and fresh fruit. They add a lovely sweetness and chewiness to my chopped veggie salads. I delight in their contrasting flavor in a delicate curry dish.
But, dear god, please don’t bake with them.
Exception: My friend PJ makes the most delicious dried-cherry-white-chocolate-chip-oatmeal cookies. They are especially yummy during Cards Against Humanity. (Don’t toss them like Bobbie did though.)
As long as I’m throwing down the gauntlet on food faux pas, let’s talk about nuts. I love nuts. (That’s what she said.) I eat a handful every day. (That’s also what she said.) I slather them with hot bacon juice and serve them as appetizers.
But they don’t belong in baked goods either. Not in my cookies. Not in my sweet loaf breads. (Does anyone else think of horrible things when they hear the word loaf?) Not in my brownies. Or bread puddings. Or scones. Or doughnuts. Or fudge.
FINE. Technically fudge is a candy, but it comes on the Christmas cookie tray so I’m including it in my rant. Nothing foreign belongs in fudge. It’s fudge. Leave it be. But especially don’t fuck it up with walnuts.
In fact, walnuts are very much like cranberries. That is to say, they’re shitty. But, unlike cranberries, I can’t find one good application for them. And they have an unpleasant texture. And the skin gets all stuck in your teeth like an irritating mouth wedgy. WHY DO YOU EVEN EXIST, WALNUTS?
Here are acceptable additions to baked goods: chocolate chips (mmmm, hot chocolately slurry), toffee, caramel, peanut butter, oatmeal, fresh fruit (and only in certain recipes), and bacon (DON’T ARGUE WITH ME).
Exception: I do enjoy a smattering of sliced almonds on top of my double-baked almond croissants. But only if they’re from a real French bakery. None of these grocery store croissants.
And, although Nutella is made from nuts, it’s smooth and creamy and tastes exactly like angel jism. (Or so I imagine.) So it’s allowed on every single baked good you can name.
Of course, all this being said, after a few glasses of wine, I’ll eat anything. And that is most definitely what she said.
Photo Credit: kozzi / 123RF Stock Photo
25 Responses
No horror imaginable can compete with thinking you are biting into a chocolate chip cookie and it’s a raisin cookie. I stand with you on the raisin issue.
I just shuddered imagining that scenario. And cried a thousand tears at the tragedy.
I think as long as you know what you’re biting into, then it’s okay. Like if I KNOW it’s oatmeal raisin, I’d expect the raisins, ya known? This makes me think of all the (IMHO) ridiculous flavors of ice cream that exist today. I’m a plain vanilla kind of gal; give me a high quality vanilla over all the weird flavors anyday.
NOPE. Not even then. But that’s okay: you can have my oatmeal raisin cookies, and I’ll eat all of the chocolate chip ones.
If I could like this post a thousand times over, I would. I DETEST raisins in my baked goods and found myself nodding my head in approval with every paragraph.
I knew I loved you for good reason. xoxo
Writer Dorothy Parker referred to things that are beyond horrible to be “not just bad, bad with raisins in it.” So raisins are not only bad, they are their own distinctive level of bad.
Very funny post. And totally true.
Dorothy Parker is now my hero. Thank you. Thank you soooo much.
Given your recent posts on women’s preferences – am a little surprised at your opinion on nuts.
I LOVE me some nuts. Just not in my delicious, crumbly, moist baked goods.
I read somewhere that raisins are failed wine (something like that). And failed wine is sad. I don’t like dark raisins at all, but will eat the golden ones.
Failed wine IS sad. I’ll eat the golden ones too, but not in my baked goods. NEVER in my baked goods.
I’m here to defend my friends, The California Raisins. On their behalf, I’d like to take all of the baked goods that you have been given, chock full of raisins, cranberries, and nuts…And then. I will eat them all. Unless they’re hazelnuts. Because gross.
And you can keep the Nutella.
You and I can share a platter of assorted baked goods together and sing Ebony & Ivory. Deal?
Deal.
Raisins conjure up all sorts of awful memories. One of my kids used to eat them in mass quantities until she’d get diarrhea. When I’d change her diaper she’d try to have a second serving. Stop the madness! Never have been able to stomach those little buggers since.
HEY! I LIKE USED MAXIPAD SANDWICHES I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW.
Amen. There are few disappointments in this world greater than spying the perfect, thick slab of carrot cake slathered in cream cheese icing in a bakery display case…only to be informed that they ruined it with raisins.
I’ve been saying this for years. I love bread pudding. I’m over the moon when I find it at a restaurant — especially if it comes with whiskey sauce. But what the hell are they thinking when they put raisins in bread pudding??? The worst is when I ASK if the bread pudding comes with raisins and the waiter assures me it doesn’t — and it comes, all warm and gooey and I take a big bite and…it DOES. People have been killed for less (I should clarify — they’ve not been killed by me — but only because I’m a semi-law abiding citizen). Raisins are the scourge of the baking industry.
Truer words have not been spoken. We should start a petition.
“I slather (nuts) with hot bacon juice and serve them as appetizers.”
Um, yeah, that’s what she said, too.
These are excellent tips. I would like to add that walnuts are good in protein shakes with chocolate.Probably the only walnut exception.
Raisins are also horrible in meat. I know this because my grandmother insists on putting them in her meatballs. Bringing shame to our family.
#TeamKeepRaisinsOutOfCookies
My sister found a recipe for Black Walnut Liqueur. That could be the good use for walnuts but I would need to try before saying for sure.
I am not a raisin or nut fan in baked goods either. The texture they take on makes my teeth itch! I like nuts by themselves and will eat dried cranberries on occasion, again by themselves.