Recently I was at a friend’s house playing my favorite game, Cards Against Humanity, with a group of friends and acquaintances. (I know, I know. I violated #1 from my own rules.) During one of the rounds, one player (an acquaintance) was upset by another player’s answer. He went on to pontificate about why the card played was so offensive and then chastised the other player for playing that card.
Most of the rest of us looked around at each other with confused expressions. I didn’t know the guy well enough to say anything, and I’m generally slow to process such responses. Eventually that guy calmed down, and the game moved on.
But here’s the thing: there’s no getting offended during Cards Against Humanity.
It’s Cards Against Humanity. It’s a party game for horrible people. For fuck’s sake, it says so RIGHT ON THE BOX.
If humanity is the quality of being humane (i.e., showing kindness and benevolence), then by definition, all of the game revolves around the opposite of those things. The cards are going to be appalling. This is Cards Against Humanity, not Cards Blowing Rainbows Up the Ass of Humanity. You don’t get to be surprised and upset when the cards end up being … well, offensive.
For example, if you are irrationally angered by dieting or body parts, this will likely be a winning hand during the game.
If poking fun at religion or the atrocities of the world is abhorrent to you, this combination will reign supreme.
If sex talk is off of the table, BOOM. This bit of terrible fabulousness WILL happen.
So you know what? Don’t play the game if you’re going to get your panties in a wad. Seriously. Go find something else to do. Like Apples to Apples. Or badminton. Or better yet, go play solitaire so that nothing that anybody says ever in the history of any game offends you.
You might have guessed that I’m not just writing this post to show you all of my winning CAH hands (although I was pretty fucking proud of those). There’s a bigger message here.
There is so much to be offended by in this world: hunger, violence, inequality. Go be outraged by those things. Go scream and wail and protest about all of that. Go make a big scene. PLEASE.
But don’t go around to places of entertainment you know you’re going to hate and then piss and moan that the world is all kinds of wrong. (I’m talking about the Internet here, folks.) Stay away from the sites that have too-edgy-for-you humor or contrary views. Stay away from the places that upset you. Stay in your own little corner of happiness.
Or, if you find something that ruffles your delicate feathers, just walk away. Just close the browser window and WALK AWAY. There’s no need to start a big fight. No need to cause a commotion. No need to look like a complete jack-ass.
Because this jack-ass over here is still trying to figure out what this card means.
28 Responses
HAHHAHAAH….maybe he needs the chronic?
The more offensive the better is what I say..or at least I do when it comes to cards against humanity.
That’s the whole point of the game, right? Heck, maybe *I* need the chronic.
I still have yet to get this game. Looks like playing it anywhere near my MIL is out though (from what you’ve described). 🙂
Yeah, i won’t be playing with my MIL either. She’s much too polite for this type of game.
MY mother-in-law, however, would probably #own everyone at this game! She’s a polite Southern lady until it comes to a little “friendly” competition. Also, when Pinot Grigio is involved.
Awesome post, as always. The only piece I take issue with is your claim you don’t know what “The Chronic” is. Girl please, stop frontin’. Are at least go look in your grandma’s freezer (wink wink)
I seriously had no clue what it was. I also had to google “420” when people were wishing others a Happy 420 Day.
Best. Game. Ever!
Who could possibly be offended by a diet of foreskin?
No one. NO ONE, I TELL YOU.
Wow. You’re right. Basic rule. Hope he lost.
Ok, I’ll admit I googled the chronic.
However, I also had to google queefing. I thought I knew everything.
I silent laugh so much while playing CAH people look at me like they’re contemplating performing the heimlich manoeuvre.
I’m pretty sure I know which card offended him. Likely it was the “2 midgets shitting into a bucket”. That one and “pacman uncontrollably guzzling cum” put a few people over the top when we played. And there were way worse ones!
This is my all-time favorite game. Except when my 20 year old makes us play with her. That just skeeves me out.
No way would I play CAH with my mom or my kids. Nope! I would play the game with my sisters because they’re ALMOST as twisted as I am, plus I’d OWN them! <3 this game!
Will you be my offensive spirit animal? Well said. Now I’m gonna go fire a rifle into the air while, wait, I don’t even have the rifle.
Love the article and the Eddie Murray reference. Showing our age and twisted humor.
Correction…..
Eddie Murphy
I love this game, and you are absolutely right: there’s no getting offended in Cards Against Humanity, and nothing is off-limits. Hilarious!
I love unfiltered humour and swear like a well-educated sailor, so it was a surprise when CAH challenged my boundaries on a couple of hands. Of course, I played the offensive cards anyway and won the round. It was truly liberating!
BEST GAME EVER INVENTED!! Played it this past Xmas with my family…which included my 70 y.o. parents. THEY were the ones who played some of the most offensive cards and shocked my two teenage boys! It was a riot!
“there’s no getting offended during Cards Against Humanity.” Yes! I had a Cards Against Humanity party a couple of months ago (because yours sounded so fun) and I made it very clear on the invites that this was a game for horrible people and if they were easily offended or unable to be un-PC for the night that they should not come. Apparently I scared away people with my warnings – only about three people showed up that night. (But we had fun).
Played this incessantly in Churchill this past winter. A lot of the fun is watching a newbie. “50,000 volts straight to the nipples” was one of my favs. We also had the Canadian version and the Australian version – some explanations were in order. We all learned things. It’s as much about the person choosing the winning card as it is the cards you play.
Every time I’ve played this game, it ends in tears… Tears of LAUGHTER because the way we play, the more offensure the answer, the better.
We play every Thursday in my garage. Sometimes over 20 people fill up 2 long tables. My 18 yr old daughter was so happy she could join in the fun!
I absolutely LOVE your blatant honesty! You tell it like it is without a filter…you are real and basically take what I’m thinking (and so many others are) and put it on paper. The world has become pussified!
There is actually a cards for when you have to Google a card to know what it means…it’s the “swooping” card.
“My sex dungeon”… will never be the same after…. “Child Protective Services”
This game is a weekend staple at out house… along with Fireball and the children playing Minecraft for an unreasonable amount of time until the late hours of the evening. Like calling out “CAAAAR” during road hockey when I was a kid, we call out “Kiiid!” when we see one of our spawn come around the side of the house asking for yet another snack.
When my mom was in town she was disgusted by this game and stormed into the house… which made us laugh even more. Good times. And don’t forget to make your own cards; friend’s names almost always trump. Hahaha