Parenting was a lot easier before you had kids, right? We understand. We were once perfect parents without children too. There were so many things our offspring would never do: act like a child, behave in a developmentally-appropriate-but-undesirable manner, and willfully disregard our wise parental counsel.
If you’re like us, you probably muttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” a few too many times. Now that you have erratic little shit-disturbers of your own, it’s biting you in the ass. (Don’t worry. Our asses hurt too.) Well, saddle up at the crow-eating table with the rest of us. We’re enjoying a variety of dishes.
- Bacon-Wrapped Crow Thighs: We know you swore you’d only eat whole, non-processed foods during your pregnancy. And that you’d be a regular at pre-natal Pilates. These deep-fried thighs are served with a triple-cheese-and-irony dipping sauce and delivered straight to your couch. Dig in and be thankful you can keep this food down. Wipe the grease on your yoga pants and let your gym membership collect dust on the bookcase.
- Crow à l’orange: The perfect meal for your birthing suite! Slow-roasted and paired with a delicate orange-and-self-righteousness sauce and your personal selection of music. At least that’s the plan. Reality is, we’ll serve you whatever the fuck we feel like in the labor and delivery room—you’ll just throw it back up into the water-birth pool anyway. Sit back and watch the menu and your birthing plan explode. Just be happy your baby is here.
- Sautéed Crow Breast: These bite-sized succulent morsels are pan-fried with mushrooms, rosemary, and despair, and served bedside, ensuring you only need one hand to eat your meal. The other hand is free to cradle your new bed companion. WHOM YOU SWORE WOULD BE SLEEPING IN HER OWN CRIB.
- Crow Bisque: Were you bound and determined to breastfeed your baby for at least a year? Did you silently (or not-so-silently) judge all of those formula feeders—and now you’re one of them? This velvety, creamy soup seasoned with thyme and resignation will soothe and comfort you as you adjust to your new reality. Don’t worry about the source of the dairy—all that matters is that you (and your child) are eating.
- Crow Nuggets: Thought your child would be eating organic free-range crow by now? Served with gourmet seasonal sauces and well-rounded side dishes? NOPE. We’ve machine-formed and breaded crow meat into microwavable nuggets. Heat them up and serve with ketchup and desperation. And just be happy that your child is eating something. Anything. As an extra bonus—you get to eat the leftovers.
- Crow Candy: These sugary delicacies are straight-up bribes to avoid tantrums and ensure good behavior in public places. Give them to your little hellion, who is not quite the cherub of your dreams. Save the chocolate-and-acquiescence-covered crow for yourself. The tryptophan will elevate your serotonin levels.
- Crow Pizza: The random toppings on this messy pie are thrown about in a haphazard and disorganized fashion—not unlike the toys and supplies in your home. That you vowed would never reach a state of chaos. That you vowed would remain immaculate. Enjoy this one-dish meal not worrying if the sauce drips on the floor.
- Computer-generated Crow: This crow is not edible. It’s a game. On an electronic device. Don’t question it. Just give it to your offspring for more hours than you ever intended so you can get a little peace and quiet. Or maybe enjoy your microwaveable crow dinner … while it’s still hot.
We hope you find these crow dishes to your liking. We find ours quite delicious.
Photo Credit: myshumi / 123RF Stock Photo
16 Responses
HAHAHA….yes..
I will NEVER yell at my child like THAT in public.
Yes. You. Will.
You will, and I may chuckle a bit. (Okay, I’m going to laugh pretty hard. Because crow tastes better with friends.)
This is why I’m just going to go ahead and make the assumption that I’ll be the Mom screaming at her kid in the Walmart parking lot. “YOU WILL EAT THOSE CHICKEN NUGGETS AND YOU WILL LIKE THEM.”
I don’t need no stinking epidural. All natural childbirth is the way to go. That whole ideal went out the window with my first real contraction. And oh yes, my kids will eat non-processed foods the majority of the time. I was informed their lunch yesterday consisted of powdered donuts, bacon and chips. Oh yeah, I got this parenting thing nailed! Hahahaha!
Totally nailed!! I didn’t have to do any Crow Shots–because I always knew I couldn’t handle the pain of natural childbirth. Rather, I didn’t want to. But I’ll mix some up for you because I did ALL OF THE OTHERS.
Our cherubs will eat what we eat and not dictate dinner. Hold the onions, broccoli, garlic, anything green, anything breaded (that kid can’t be mine!), and don’t even bring mushrooms in the house! CAW CAW
It’s delicious, isn’t it?
Ahhh — I remember those days. Now I get to watch my children eat crow as they raise their own children. I don’t miss the taste.
Yes, I’m going to enjoy watching my children eat crow someday. It’s a rite of passage.
Computer generated crow is being wolfed down daily over here! *sigh* Despite my best efforts….oh, who am I kidding? 😉
Just embrace the crow. 😉
I swore I’d never be one of those parents who threatens something more than once–you must follow through the first time or they’ll just learn to test you every time, after all. This was until I learned that turning the TV off until they stopped the offensive behavior meant no more sanity saving break for me. Move over and make some room for me on that perch.
YEP. There is plenty of room for all of us! 🙂
Eleven years later (well, 20 if you count the first kid, but she’s not a sugar fiend), I’m STILL eating crow candy. With a side of computer generated crow.
This post was not at all about what I thought it was.
I’m assuming that ‘crow’ is like eating humble pie, or eating your own words?…
Where I come from, which is Manchester in England, eating crow would be eating your own snot, boogers, nose nuggets.
Imagine my relief.
HAHAHA! Relief indeed!