This past weekend, my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends) and I were sitting around a fire pit, drinking wine, and shooting the shit. We told stories of past parties, neighbors we have violated, and other ridiculous shenanigans.
The exact sequence of events is a little fuzzy (did I mention the wine?), but as often happens when I’m around, the conversation turned to sex. Somehow (I’m certain it wasn’t me though) we started playing “Slutty, Nerdy, or Normal.” You know, the game where you self-select one of those words to describe your sexual history and try to guess (without judgment—this is all in good fun) which your friends will pick? That one.
When I declared myself “normal,” my freighbors didn’t believe me. They suggested I was lying and/or hiding something. Fortunately, for my good name (meaning I wasn’t lying), I have proof.
I have a Kiss List.
See, sometime in my youth I started keeping track of all of the boys I had kissed and, well, did other stuff with. In fact, there was an elaborate set of symbols I used to keep track of bases. A “-“ meant we got to first base (you know, good old fashioned kissing). A “+” was used for second base. And “o” was used for third. I think you get my meaning here, and I don’t need to go any further.
My freighbors thought this list was hilarious. One freighbor pointed to her head and said, “My list will always stay right here. I can’t believe you have a list on paper.”
Actually, I’m super glad I wrote it all down—my memory is crap, and I have evidence to back my claim in the “Slutty, Nerdy, or Normal” game.
Another freighbor questioned my sanity, “Has Mr. Foxy seen this list? He knows your number?! You’re crazy to discuss that with him.”
Yep, Mr. Foxy is well aware of the list—and everything on it. While he didn’t keep a list himself, I could (and probably will now) recreate his. We’re very open with each other about our romantic histories.
The next day I pulled the Kiss List out of my memory box for funsies. I’m not going to put it on here because I don’t kiss and tell. Okay, that’s total bullshit, but I really do have some boundaries. And it’s possible that many some of those men are embarrassed to ever have been associated with me—so I won’t “out” them.
But I will tell you a few things:
- All things considered, there really aren’t that many names on my list. Or symbols.
- My first kiss was in 7th grade. As my own daughter starts 7th grade in the Fall, this is completely horrifying to me.
- At least two of the people on the list are now dead. This makes me very sad, but their deaths were in no way a result of me kissing them.
- I’m Facebook friends with several of the guys on the list. A few other guys used to be my Facebook friends, but then they left Facebook altogether. Also, not a result of me kissing them.
- I Facebook stalk a few of the folks on the list. Natch.
- There is no rating system of the quality of said kisses. This is my only regret.
- There are a few names on there twice. Apparently, they were either overly-generous with second chances, or they didn’t learn their lessons very well.
- One guy I, uhhh, “kissed” while on a “break” from a boyfriend was conspicuously missing from the list. I added his name. And the appropriate symbol.
Sadly, Mr. Foxy was missing from the list as well. So I added his name, along with some pretty hearts. And gave him a brand new symbol.
*winks not at all subtly*
I am fortunate enough to smile when I think about each individual on the Kiss List. Even if the relationship ended in heartbreak (like when that one guy cheated on me because I wouldn’t add the special home-run symbol by his name), I was better off for knowing them all. They helped me become the person I am today, and I learned valuable lessons from each one of them …
Like don’t eat pepperoni pizza right before you kiss someone.
Photo Credit: konstantynov / 123RF Stock Photo
17 Responses
Or doritos..don’t eat them just before you kiss someone. Unless your goal is to gross them out.
Also sound advice.
I think of what’s on my (in my memory) ‘kiss’ list and think about my oldest starting high school in the fall and yes, I’m terrified! But it seems my kids are more aware than I was at their ages and we’re more open about such discussions in our house so maybe it will all be okay.
I hoping the very same things you are.
Alright, I don’t want to over-analyze here, but a written list, with a specially developed symbol system, may in fact make you, by definition, Nerdy. Said with love, by someone you could definitely out as Slutty. 😉
HAHAHAHAHAHA! You might be right.
PLEASE will you show us Mr. Foxy’s new symbol?
You are too funny you nerdy slut! Haha, can I say that to you? Too late.
My kiss list is in my head, and it has far less names on it than people would think. It’s actually pretty nerdy.
I’m glad. I get to have all the sordid glory associated with being slutty without having exposed myself to all those STDs.
This reply + the title of your most recent blog post = pure unadulterated out-of-context awesome.
I can’t decide if I’d fall under Slutty or Nerdy so I’m just going to stake my claim in the middle and call myself Normal, even though we all know that couldn’t be further from the truth.
My best friend and I frequently recreate our lists, but ours are definitely not called “kiss” lists. Hers is really funny, a couple of the names on it are “jeep guy” and “guy with hat.” I can, at least, come up with a first name. Honestly we weren’t whores, both of us can still count our list on our fingers and some toes. We laugh and call each other sluts every time we try to recreate our lists. We wrote them down once but had to destroy the evidence. You never know when one of us might run for office.
My first kiss was the stuff of nightmares and the uncool parts of John Hughes movies. 9th grade, Jeff Berkus, on the band bus. He took his retainer out first. Yup. Bringing sexy back. Like totally.
OMG. I thought I was seriously the only person who did this!!! I kept my list up-to-date until I met my husband (he is also missing from the list…guess I need to add him!). My system was nearly the exact same (except I just used A,B,C,D,E,F,N to symbolize various “bases”). As I was reading this, my stomach flipped and I had a “Fight Club” moment where I started double-checking sleep patterns and making sure I hadn’t created a blog during a black out or something. lol.
Hmmm. I think I’ve horrified my other half enough over the course of our two-and-a-half year relationship without giving him my Number. I’m not actually sure I could create an accurate list and I’d have to invent some pretty elaborate symbols myself.
What symbol would you use for elastic bands?…
My FIRST kiss guy is a facebook friend, neighbor…in that we both still live in our hometown. He’s an awesome guy. My very first kiss was a “birthday gift” when I was in 9th grade. He asked me to come to his locker…locker number 1 because his last name starts with “A”. He said he had a gift for me…As he opened the top part of the locker, he very chastely gave me my very first kiss. This act of romanticism wasn’t lost on my newly turned 14 year old self…and still etched into my memory to this day almost 40 years later. It was THE BEST first kiss in the history of first kisses.
I think I smell a real blog post here. And btw, I’ll put myself down as normal too.
Great post
“This makes me very sad, but their deaths were in no way a result of me kissing them.”
LOL! This make me choke/chuckle. 🙂