I’ve been good to my female parts all of my life. I go to the doctor regularly and keep a tidy house. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years, and my lady garden has not received many visitors—either foreign or domestic. And because of my mother’s nightmare-inducing warnings about Toxic Shock Syndrome, I fastidiously clean “down there” and obsessively change all of my feminine hygiene products.
Recently, however, my vulva betrayed me. She allowed passage to a very unwelcome guest.
The uninvited jerk is a Bartholin’s cyst. If you dare, you can read about this type of cyst (and see a very NSFW picture), or you can just trust me when I tell you that it’s caused by a generally harmless blockage in the duct of the Bartholin’s gland. (We like this gland; it’s the one that provides some natural lubrication. Cue the sexy music…) Because of the location of this wondrous gland and the not-so-wondrous blockage, however, the cyst is on my labia.
ON. MY. FUCKING. LABIA.
Naturally, I named my cyst Bart.
The first time Bart showed up, I told a friend about him. She assumed Mr. Foxy had had an affair and had given me a sexually transmitted disease. (She’s not my friend anymore.)
Bart is not sexually transmitted. He is just another piece of fabulous female bullshit that we women have to deal with. Some Internet sites will tell you that Bart is common; some will tell you that he’s rare. (I’m confused—isn’t everything on the Internet true?) But even if it’s a rare medical condition, it seems to be more likely than not that I will get it. Along with my anosmia, my MTHFR mutation, and other random, “rare” maladies and reactions, I’ve heard, “Boy, I’ve NEVER seen this before,” from a doctor more times than Gwyneth Paltrow has attempted to convince us that she’s a common woman.
And much like Gwyneth loves her steamed vagina, Bart, it seems, loves my vulva. His initial visit was on my labia majora (the outer lips). This time, he’s having a party on my labia minora (the inner ones). (You didn’t know you were going to get an anatomy lesson today, did you?)
Since he is my constant companion, I find myself frequently talking to him:
Me: “Pssst. You’re an asshole.”
Me: “Hey, dickwad, when are you going to leave?”
Me: “You know what they say about seafood and houseguests, don’t cha, you little fucker?”
Don’t worry. He doesn’t talk back to me. That would just be weird.
Let me be explicit (because this story wasn’t enough already): Bart SUCKS. And clearly not in the good way. He is annoying, uncomfortable, and a little painful. Kind of like Roseanne’s rendition of the National Anthem.
My doctor suggested sitz baths to help ease the discomfort. You know, where you sit in a warm bath several times a day for four to five days. Seriously? I’m lucky if I shower a few times A WEEK. I don’t have time to soak my bare ass in the tub like a batch of rehydrating kidney beans.
Mr. Foxy has generously offered to help massage Bart and administer warm compresses. Uh huh. I’m certain my vaginal health is the top thing on his mind. And Bart needs to be nuked, not pampered.
Have I made it clear how much I hate Bart?
I realize that there are far worse ailments than Bart. You might even try to convince me that an episiotomy is more painful and more annoying. Having had my perineum slashed twice myself, I’d argue that Bart is 98237498375498745 times worse. I mean, with an episiotomy, you’re all messed up down there anyway—just spray, pat, and let it chill for a week or so. You’re recuperating from having a baby anyway, and you’re not even remotely interested in sex.
That there is the big rub. I’m not recuperating. I’m not post-partum. And I’m very interested in having sex. But Bart is a giant pain in my ass. Well, my labia. (You know what I mean.) With Bart hanging around, there will be no sex. NONE AT ALL.
Sorry about that, Mr. Foxy. Never mind the discomfort. I just don’t do threesomes.
Photo Credit: barabasa / 123RF Stock Photo
48 Responses
Well, I would say Fuck Bart but…
Anywhoo…hope your hoo-ha gets better soon.
P.S. NEVER thought I’d EVER post a get well hoo-ha message to ANYONE. Here’s to Firsts!!
Ole’!! 😉
Yeah, I can’t say that either–otherwise Mr. Foxy gets too many ideas. 😉
Thank you for your well-wishes. And for being brave enough to comment on a hoo-ha post. Ole’!!
Well Brian if you don’t want to say it then goddammit I will! FUCK BART!! Haha! Well wishes to you and your’s and to your hoo-ha!
WHY, OH WHY did I have to click on the link to see what a Bartholin cyst is? I’m now cringing in pain just IMAGINING what that must feel like. UGH…..I hope Bart gets tired of your vulva and decides to make his exit. By the way, do you imagine that the cyst is named after the Dr. who discovered” it? What a legacy, huh, “Look, Babe, I found a new kind of cyst that grows on women’s vaginas, and they are going to name it after me! Isn’t that WONDERFUL!” Meanwhile, generations down the line, the last name disappears or is spelled completely different because, after all, who wants a last name that brings to mind a cyst growing on girly parts?
I can’t not click either. And, I can imagine that there are several (creepy) folks who would love to have their names on female parts. But now I have to go research who named the gland. (This is why I never get anything done.)
Here we go! “Bartholin’s glands are named after Thomas Bartholin, the doctor who first described them in the 18th century.”
From: http://www.patient.co.uk/health/bartholins-cyst-and-abscess
And there’s a diagram, but no photograph. 😉
Ok, I’m a midwife, on call, up at 430 in the morning, reading this and peeing my pants. Not at you or Bart but at your exact and wonderful description!
BART BE GONE!
Sitz baths and warm compresses and your vulva will be Bartless!
I LOVE that you are peeing your pants with laughter. That and spitting out your drink are my favorites.
And, yes, I’ve resigned myself to the baths and compresses. Damn Bart!
Can’t that asshole be removed from your vulva? The doctors can’t scrape him off or anything?? You have my sympathy, Foxy. 🙁
They can be, if they get infected or cause significant problems. Come to think of it, I’d love to say I had my labia scooped someday… 😉
Oh my, that image is burned into my head now. Sympathies to you and especially Mr. Foxy (poor guy), tell Bart to go screw himself and I hope you get to feeling “girly” again sooner than later!
Yeah, sorry about that. But I feel it’s my duty to inform the world of the extent of my pain. 😉
Mr. Foxy and I are both appreciative of your sympathies. And I’m immensely grateful that you were willing to comment on this story.
Sorry to hear about your friend, i hope you can get him to leave soon.
There must be something about spring that makes us want to blog about the Gina. I’ve got a draft about steaming going right now, and weight lifting to make Gina strong.
Springina? Is that a new season?
I actually called it, “cleaning out the wiener garage.” 🙂
My condolenses!
Get yourself one of the toilet sits bath things. Bonus is you get some peace and quiet and the iPad can go with you. Win/win/win. #FuckOffBart
I had no idea those existed. So much more convenient. #FuckOffBart is my new favorite hashtag! xoxo
Oh my, Foxy…ouch! I love this line in the Wikipedia link: “Most Bartholin’s cysts do not cause any symptoms, although some may cause pain during walking, sitting,[2] or sexual intercourse.” How is that no symptoms?!
I second what Kristine suggests about the toilet sitz bath. I used one all the time after giving birth and it helped a lot. It’s kind of a pain to set the thing up, but it’s way easier and less time consuming than running a bath and taking off all of your clothes. The only drawback is that, for me anyway, the warm water made *everything* relax sometimes, and that’s some water you don’t want to sit in. I do hope Bart is on the smaller end of the “size of a pea to a golf ball” range.
Poor, poor Foxy. Maybe if we can get #FuckOffBart to trend today he’ll go away.
A man must have written that article.
You ladies are so helpful. My toilet sitz bath will arrive in 2 days. (Thanks, Amazon Prime!) Pea-sized Bart and I will be careful not to relax too much. 😉
#FuckOffBart
That is very unfortunate, and as I read it I realized that I had unconsciously crossed my legs. Positive note: Tell your husband that the doctor prescribed warm baths. Then you can hide from your family four times a day!
Maybe if I take each cup of coffee in with me it won’t seem like such a disruption. Come afternoon, I can switch to another beverage.
I’m so sorry to hear of your labia struggles, girl. I hope Bart gets the message and steps the fuck off soon.
*fist bump*
#TheStruggleIsReal #FuckOffBart
Someone should invent a cure called Bartbegone.
I crossed my legs reading this, it sounds atrocious. Mr Foxy will just have to pull up his big boy pants and suffer with you (though obviously not in quite the same way). Hope you get better soon Foxy
I feel your pain – I’ve had two of these before. Lots of hot compresses and ibuprofen.
When I was 19 or so I had a fun weekend away with hot tub sex. Came home and a day or so later had a very painful cyst on my labia majora.. Yes I had fun creating the MF but I could’ve done without it. Warm, wet compresses were my friend for a few days and it went away. Good luck!!
Dayum. Aside from the fact that I’m truly sorry for your vaginissue, I’m stunned at how much you enjoy talking about your vagine. I feel like I’ve met another of my long lost sisters (my current sister does not enjoy a good vag convo), like there was the original Vagina Evangelist, not unlike a Duggar out there, just spitting babies out, and putting them up for adoption, and all of us are reuniting as bloggers who love a good vagina post. Any way, chin up, steam the shit outta that fucker because I’m pretty sure it’s a cure-all for vagina issues and know that your vagina sisters are praying real hard and holy-like for you. If it makes you feel any better, I had a varicose vein in my snatch when I was prego. Not pretty. Not at all.
Yowtch. Why are there oh so many ways that it sucks to be a woman? So not fair.
Oh sister, I know that pain. I’ve had one myself and had the damn thing lanced in the doc’s office. Poor old guy tried to insist on giving me Lidacaine to numb it, but that crap does nothing for me. So then he came back in wearing hazmat gear and poked a gigantic needle in it. Best medical procedure ever, right after my partial hysterectomy.
Good luck.
Go away Bart. I’ll pray for your vulva, Kate.
Wow, Bart must die, ugh. I hope his death throws come soon. Maybe you just need to, you know, go back to those 1,000 year old cures and really kill him off, heh (http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-32117815 ).
And sorry to hear about the MTHFR mutation – that one sucks, too. I have met a few dozen people who have this in the last few years, when I’d never even heard of it a few years ago.
The internet, the go-to source for new and horrifying physical problems. >_<
I think this may be the first time I’ve left you a comment and WHAT A POST I CHOSE!
I enjoy reading about all things vaginal. That, and midget porn.
You were right about the picture. It was hard on the eyes.
Hope your smush mitten is all better soon.
xxo
I’m kind of laughing and cringing at the same time! I’m shocked, but I love your honesty 🙂
I looked at the pic. WHY did I look at the pic??
Foxy!
At last another person has experienced the dreaded Bartholin Cyst, I am NOT Barts friend he has visited me 15 times in two years, hospitalised 10 times, I’ve been hooked up to antibiotics, male doctors investigating Bart having a good poke around! I even had to call an ambulance once to take me in because I was in that much pain! Bart you are an evil creature and I hope your not around lurking in too many hoo-has because you are vile!
Hope your feeling better and he doesn’t return for more!
Foxy, I am actually a gynecologist IRL so I know what you are talking about. You should know that there is a surgery called marsupialization (turning that Bartholin duct cyst into a pouch like a kangaroo) that will cure the problem. You wouldn’t want to do it unless this was a recurrent problem. It can be done in the gyn’s office, or (my preference) in the operating room as an outpatient surgery. I say have general anesthesia for a few minutes while I work on your labia.
WHHHYYY!!!!!!
I had a visit from Bart. Also had him surgically removed cause he kept growing and growing, he was 2cm wide and 3cm long, which fortunately for me 2 of those 3cm was inside, if it was outside I would have thought I was growing a penis. I swear someone was putting Miracle Grow on my lady bits while I slept. Since surgery I have had more show up, what I mean by more, last count was 9. They are still smallish yet, but I can feel them bastards…. and if you ever have to get him removed don’t believe the doctor when he says hurricane spray doesn’t hurt a bit, cause he’s lying.
Never use lotion or fragrance toilet paper!
Lordy. I had one that got an abscess. I didn’t even know I had it until the abscess formed and oh. My. God. I was in so much pain. I drove myself to the gyn, though I don’t remember the drive because THE PAIN! I was convinced I had sudden onset hoo-ha cancer. Did I mention THE PAIN!!?! And getting it fixed was no fun, either, but DAMN if I didn’t want to kiss every woman in the exam room once they got it taken care of, shall we say.
That Wiki article had to be written by a man or it would say it hurts like a b!tch. Sympathies, Foxy…all my sympathies.
You know…I’m thinking next time you should leave out the link for those of us curious enough to click. Because GAHHHHHH.
Anyways, here’s hoping Bart is gone by now.
Does this mean Mr fox should get your juices flowing more regularly so no blockages can form?
I have had a Bartholin cyst, not once, but twice. The first time in college and I was convinced it was cancer. The second time in my early 30’s while I was pregnant. Both times, it popped like a humongous, disgusting pimple (sorry, gross I know) before I could get to the doctor. Mine were both VERY painful. Couldn’t sit down painful. But after they burst, the relief was immense and immediate. With the second one, I went to the doctor the very next morning (because of the pregnancy) and he said he couldn’t even tell it had been there. He didn’t believe me. But I knew what it was because I’d had it before.
Holy mother of all inflamed foo-foos *please* warn us before opening that link! Actually, perhaps I could use that excuse to get some rest from my amorous other half…
Hope your Lady Bits return to normal very soon and Bart pisses off for good.
Lmaoooo. I think I love you!
Just started blogging myself and I only follow a few other people, but you’re definitely going on my list. Hilarious.
I’ve had the unfortunate Bart visits as well and I also have the MTHFR gene mutation. …well, only half mutated, but still! Wonder if there’s a connection? Does anyone research the labias of mutants these days?
I’ve had one of these and it was the most miserable week from hell. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t google because I was scared pictures of things I couldn’t unsee would pop up. It’s definitely way worse than episiotomy recovery. On that I will agree!