What Have You Done for California Lately?

Are you sick of hearing about the drought in California? Want all of the whining to end? Just wish we would stop flushing and let the yellow mellow so it would be over?

Yeah, me too. Sadly, it ain’t over until the fat lady sings. Or at least until she cries enough frozen tears to replenish our snow packs and reservoirs.

Whether you love California or hate it or you live here or not, our drought is your problem too. Why, you ask? Because we feed you. California produces about half of the fruits, veggies, and nuts (hehehe, I said nuts) grown in the United States. We also provide about a quarter of the country’s cream and milk. And we need water to produce those things for you.

You like to eat and drink fancy coffee beverages, right?

We Californians are all facing mandatory 25% water consumption cut-backs. (This is serious shit, people.) In an effort to help conservation efforts across the entire country, I have come up with my own list of helpful water-saving tips.

You can ridicule me thank me later.

• Take fewer showers. This should probably go without saying. Every other day should be fine. Heck, once or twice a week if you really want to help. This does mean that you’ll have to stop exercising daily—because you don’t want to offend anyone with your incredible stink. But these are the sacrifices we make for the greater good.
• Take shorter showers. When you do take your infrequent showers, be quick and efficient. That means no extras: no facial scrubs, no deep conditioning, and absolutely no shaving. Your excessive body hair can be a daily reminder of the growing need for more water.
• Shower with your husband. Hi, Mr. Foxy here. Just hacked into Foxy’s Wordpress account to make sure this one was added. (Nice try, dear husband.)
• Let your lawn die and use reclaimed water for your plants. Water just a couple of times during the week and only in the morning. Or better yet, you can do what I do: just let all of the plants die from not watering them at all. It’s amazingly easy to incorporate this tip into your daily routine.
• Don’t wash the car. Washing your car wastes an incredible amount of water that could otherwise be used to water our state’s crops. Besides, I’m tired of the dichotomy of a clean exterior and a filthy interior. Why not have the outside match the inside of the car? Your squalid trashcan on wheels is helping the planet.
• Do less laundry. Washing machines—even efficient ones—use a lot of water. You should wear clothes until they look or smell dirty. Don’t forget to turn them inside out for another couple of wears. In fact, I’m going to go one step further and buy at least two new wardrobes for myself. That way, I won’t have to waste water doing laundry until the drought is over.
• Stop cooking so much. All that food preparation requires water. And all of those dirty dishes need to be washed… WITH WATER. For criminy sake, stop with all of that homemade, healthy eating and just order pizza and Chinese for the next few years or so.
• Stop cleaning. Think about it. Mopping your floors means you use an entire bucket of water. That is precious water that could be used to hydrate the earth. Every time you scrub the toilet, you flush cloud tears down the drain. What a waste. Just stop cleaning altogether. Your MIL comes over and makes a snide remark about the state of your house? Tell her that her excessive cleaning and water consumption is exacerbating global warming and hurting orphans in third-world countries. Throw in a disgusted look while you’re at it.
• Stop eating so much beef and almonds. The manufacturing of these products requires an excessive amount of water. So slow it down. We should all be eating crickets. Apparently.

And, finally, my most important tip?

• Drink more wine. Enough said.

(Seriously though, folks, we’re all in this together. Do your fucking part. Please?)