Exercise. It’s a dirty word. I hate it with the fiery passion of a hangry Jillian Michaels. I have no choice though: I have to exercise. Mostly so I don’t end up killing anyone. Also because I can’t afford new (larger) pants.
But I do have a choice on where I exercise.
I was talking to a friend the other day about working out at a gym versus working out at home. I was brutally honest about my anti-gym stance.
Me: Fuck the gym. I’ll never go there.
Friend: Really? I’d never work out if I didn’t go to the gym. I don’t have the discipline to work out at home, and I have no equipment. Besides, it’s one of the few “me times” I get during the week.
Me: I have the exact opposite problem. I would never exercise if I had to go to a gym…
Then I proceeded to explain all of my reasons.
- Money: Gyms require that you hand over buckets of money. Not only can I not afford them, if I could, I’d spend that money on wine. And bacon. Yes, it is possible to consume even more wine and bacon than I already do. Of course, then, I’d need to work out even more. I feel a vicious cycle starting, and I don’t need that in my life. (Or monthly payments that take an act of Congress to cancel.)
- Motivation: I hate working out. HATE. IT. I need to make it as easy and as accessible as possible. I sleep in my workout clothes. (So sexy, I know.) I lay out my shoes and socks and other gear the night before. I can’t have any obstacles to provide me with any excuses to not work out. Even a 10-minute drive to a gym is enough for me to say, “Fuck that shit” and hit snooze five more times.
- Gas: No, not the kind you put in your car. You know what I’m talking about. I expel gas when I work out. Yes, I said it: I fart. Especially during yoga. And then I start cracking up because I think farts are funny. By staying home, I’m just trying to help the rest of the world stay focused on their workouts. You’re welcome, random gym dweller.
- People: There are PEOPLE at the gym. I don’t do people. (Except Mr. Foxy. If he’s lucky.)
- Locker rooms: I am not a naked person. Hell, I don’t even look at myself naked in the mirror. I sure the heck don’t do naked in public. I don’t want to see other people’s naked parts, and I don’t need any professional work-out girl looking at my jiggly bare bits either. (You would never see me in one of these places.)
- Dis-grace: I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I am completely uncoordinated. I constantly tip over during yoga tree pose. I lose my balance doing the simplest of stretches. I look like a complete idiot during any cardio that is even remotely dancey. Basically, I am the Elaine Benes of the workout floor. Nobody needs to see that ridiculousness.
The moral of the story? If a gym is your thing, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just stay true to yourself and workout where you feel comfortable. (And can fart freely.) And most importantly? Do what you need to do so we can all go back to consuming wine and bacon.
15 Responses
First I want to say I think you are hysterical. Thanks for making me laugh. I am with you on the big gym atmosphere at some places. You might enjoy a smaller gym setting with a personal trainer. I recently became a trainer in a small gym with one on one quick 30 min workouts as many times a week as you would like. I don’t care what my client wears, what they look like, or if they fart during yoga poses ( believe me that is a common problem). Memberships are for small periods of time and clients are successful with weight loss, strength training and overall healthy life style changes. Not all gyms are like the big ones!!!! By the way, I love wine and bacon too!!! And the money you spend on the right gym membership would be priceless. Your health is the most important thing you can invest in. As moms we think nothing of spending $1000 to sign up a child for a travel sport for a season, but we question a $500 gym membership for ourselves. Stupid!!! Sorry so preachy. Just passionate about what I do now.
Oh my goodness,you are my twin.
It’s like we’re sisters..
I spend most of my time at yoga holding in gas. I feel like there is some muscle involved in that so I justify that I have just doubled my workout; therefore wine and bacon. #genius
That Mr. Foxy is one lucky, lucky man!!
SPOT ON! This is so funny, and I SO relate!
LMAO!! You make some valid points..lol!
You and me both sistah!! #gymsarethedevil #couchpotatoworkout
My understanding is that people don’t go to the gym to work out–they go to the gym to be seen working out. SO MUCH can be done at home cheaply and effectively. Like procrastinating. I kid. I don’t work out because I belong to a religious sect that believes it is an insult to try to improve on God’s work. We worship pizza. And donuts represent the Unending Circle of the Infinite Wisdom. So we eat them. We also don’t really exist.
I’m like your friend. If I try to work out at home, it doesn’t happen. So I do the gym thing. Money is a motivator for me. Knowing I’m paying to be at a gym makes me damn sure that I don’t half-ass my workout. All the locker room nekkid doesn’t bother me, and I’m usually too busy laughing at the obligatory meatheads grunting and dropping weights on the floor to worry about what I look like when I’m exercising. Best of all, my neighborhood gym has a whirlpool and sauna so afterwards I can relax and pretend I didn’t just spend the last hour kicking my own ass.
And the bonus of the whirlpool is with all those bubbles, you can gas it up all you want and nobody will be the wiser. Is that a friendly smile, or an “I just farted” smirk? I’ll never tell. 😉
If I could wake up before the crack of dawn, I might go to the gym – but I tend to sleep until I have 45 minutes to shower, dress, get pretty, and get to work. If I wasn’t exhausted by my work, I might go to the gym – but by the time 5pm rolls around, I’m exhausted and starving and just want to plop myself on the couch at home and not move until it’s time to sleep. So, I’m taking a rather unconventional approach – I’m working out…at work. Instead of eating lunch in the break room like a civilized individual, I spend my lunch hour walking – and then I’ll scarf down my food at my desk – hunched over the plate like I’m in prison and afraid that the guy with all the tattoos is going to try to take it from me. So far, it’s working OK – I even clean up a bit in the bathroom afterwards and reapply my deodorant – because I care about my fellow human beings.
AMEN, Sister!
I would go to the gym, but … Teenagers only get up early if Mom has someplace to be. Then, by some huge cosmic joke, they arise at the butt-crack of dawn, overflowing with a deeply-held secret they’ve been holding in like a constipated 2yo who’s afraid of the toilet, for weeks, that I just can’t miss out on as they’re FINALLY ready to let it go and unburden. Then, of course, our secret-sharing bonding moment must be augmented by eggs. And you can’t have eggs without bacon. And toast. And mimosas. (virgin for the teen).
And who the hell can work out with a full breakfast sloshing around in her belly, on top of the secret of why Janey broke up with Billy and how it affects the equilibrium of my teen’s universe??
Nope, no gym for me. I get my exercise cooking, cleaning, typing, and playing Mom Taxi. And, once in a while, if Billy and Janey’s drama is in abeyance for the moment, and the teens slumber on, I might sneak in a few minutes on the treadmill. If I can find it under the boxes of Christmas stuff that never got put away…
Ah, the single-mom life.
Gotta love it.
I would like to say ‘Amen’ to every one of those reasons.
Incidentally, I started on a ‘Slimming World’-ish food plan 3 weeks ago and have already lost 10 lbs! It hasn’t cost me any money and I’ve done no more exercise than I normally would… best of all, YOU’RE ALLOWED TO EAT F*CKING BACON!! Best. Diet. Ever.
I’ll never ever have to briefly consider thinking about going to the gym again.
Oh god, yes! Memberships and people are the top two reasons I will NEVER go to the gym. Working out is awful enough already!
Bahaha on the gas (not the car kind.) I have a friend who is a personal trainer and she has all kinds of stories about how people fart during her torture sessions…err…I mean exercising. People might say “oh, it’s a natural bodily function…it happens.” But yeah…they are making fun of you behind your back.