When I was growing up, we celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by wearing green, pinching people who weren’t (and some who were because, HELLO CUTE BOY!), and running home only to be assaulted by the disappointing stench of steaming cabbage and Leprechaun tears emanating from the kitchen.
Simple pleasures, people.
So what do I think these days when I see overzealous Pinterest Moms making elaborate, eco-friendly, St. Patrick’s-themed crafts and baking organic, naturally-green-colored, shamrock-shaped snacks and then showcasing their accomplishments all over social media?
AWWW, HELL NO.
I mean, I love the Irish as much as the next person. Heck, I even married an Irishman. But this holiday has gotten completely out of control. So if you’ve memorized “1,000 St. Patrick’s Day Traditions, Crafts, and Treats” or are currently cutting bell peppers in preparation for shamrock stamp making, then this post is not for you. Besides—and I ask this with all sincerity—who has time for that crap?
Not this mom. No, this mom is a very lazy busy mom, and I’ve perfected celebrating this non-holiday holiday by making the day just special enough for my children but not going insane in the process. Because, on top of all the other chores I have to do this week, I just don’t have the energy for anything more.
Here are the supplies you’ll need. Most of them you have already. The others you can grab at the grocery store when you curse loudly because you realize you’re out of milk.
- Green food coloring
- Green markers (if those are dried out, grab blue and yellow)
- Paper
- Lucky Charms cereal
- Any Irish beer or liquor
And here’s how you “celebrate” the holiday:
- Gather all of the supplies in a secret location. Make sure your children can’t find the items otherwise the surprise will be ruined.
- Forget where you put them (the supplies, not the kids) and desperately search the entire house.
- Find the holiday goodies, your missing sunglasses, and enough loose change to buy a cup of coffee tomorrow.
- Wait until the kids are in bed so they don’t witness the shenanigans.
- Yell for the umpteenth time, “GO TO SLEEP!” and then fall asleep on the couch watching Netflix.
- Wake up after midnight in a wet spot of drool and frantically try to remember where you are.
- Breathe a sigh of relief and collect your supplies.
- Put the box of Lucky Charms on the breakfast table. BOOM! Breakfast is ready.
- Put some green food coloring in the milk. Shake to mix. (Remember to secure the lid tightly first.)
- Put some green food coloring in the toilet. (Leprechauns pee green, you know.)
- Flush accidentally. Curse and repeat step 10.
- Hide the food coloring in a very safe place. You don’t want your kids to discover your secret, nor do you ever want to arm them with that weapon of mass destruction.
- Go to sleep knowing that you are the greatest mom ever.
- Wake up because you have to go to the bathroom around 3 a.m. Curse when you realize you’ve flushed away the Leprechaun pee once again.
- Try to remember where you hid the food coloring. Locate and repeat step 10.
- The next morning, take immense pleasure in waking up the grumpy kids by screaming, “HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!” At the top of your lungs.
- Marvel with your offspring over the green pee in the toilet.
- Serve Lucky Charms cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (Bonus points for Mint Chip ice cream for snacks and desserts.)
- If you have enough energy, go outside to hunt for shamrocks and four-leafed clovers. Fall asleep on the lawn because you were up too late the night before.
- Throw some markers and paper on the table and show your progeny how to make shamrocks. Or Leprechauns. Or rainbows. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. IT’S A HOLIDAY-THEMED CRAFT. Post that shit on Facebook and proceed immediately to the final step.
- Make yourself a drink and celebrate being a
lazyfabulous mom.
Me? I’ll be having a Guinness (or four). What about you?
Photo Credit: amarosy / 123RF Stock Photo
28 Responses
Down with leprechaun trap-making – fruit rainbow-arranging – pot of gold coin-hiding overachievers! Set the bar low, man. That’s pretty much my parenting motto.
This is awesome! I am totally doing this! And you are hilarious btw:)
You’re like the Martha Stewart of drunken holidays.
Green milk, leprechaun pee and Lucky Charms for all 3 meals?
Holy crap, I have to visit this blog more often. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
This is frigging hilarious, I wish I had my daughter tonight I would so do this.
HA HA! I love the green pee one! These are awesome!
My life has progressed to having to fight my 15 yr old teengirl to get back my “Not irish but kiss me anyway” tshirt, b/c hell no she ain’t wearing that school!
Color me impressed, Foxy. My kids have outgrown this kind of celebration, but even when they were younger I pretty much left it up to the school to do everything. You’ve struck a perfect balance of fun for them and very little for you to do.
I think you just described my entire parenting philosophy.
You had me at hello (or at least the intro) on this one. LOVED IT. I’m a busy (read LAZY) mom too. You hit the nail on the head!!! I quit Pinterest bc I felt like a complete
douche-moron-inadequate woman whenever I looked at that site.
Whatev! You happen to have raised the bar for me bc (as I don’t care) I was going to be happy if we remembered green shirts in the morning! Slap some green shirts on the kids, to ward off pinching, and I thought I was good until I read all the cool nifty stuff you do with your kids.
BTW… We’re having Cheerios bc that’s what’s in the pantry and wearing green shirts to celebrate…hopefully.
I was planning to do NOTHING special tomorrow until I came upon your brilliance…for my 5yo boy, green in the toilet is going to blow his mind! There is nothing on Pinterest that can beat this. Thanks for making me the coolest mom in the preschool demographic, all for mere seconds of effort expended! Now, back to my wine.
This is the lazy mom’s guide? I’m ashamed to admit I forgot all about the holiday tomorrow until I read this piece! I’m SO screwed because I have no green good coloring left and I’m long out of lucky charms. Excuse me while I go scramble now to find all the green things I can find in this house.
Thanks for reminding me to find a green shirt for her to wear to school tomorrow! Haha. And I’m half Irish too.
Ha I am famous for losing the supplies after I buy them. If someone went through my closets they would find all these crafts and treats that an awesome mom might buy but my kid never actually benefits from.
Lucky Charms and Mint Chip? I’m on board. 🙂
This is exactly the height I like to set my bar at. Nice and low … and reasonable! Over achieving on even one holiday would undo my whole facade with the kids. They have no idea that I aim for average since it’s all they know, hehe.
fall asleep on the lawn! lol
Funny and oh so true. We all might as well just skip to the best part: the Guinness.
Irish is one of the FEW things I’m sure we don’t have in our combined heritage, so St. Patrick’s day isn’t a thing for us. Plus, Bazinga the Wonder Dog would TOTALLY drink the green toilet water. Try explaining that one away.
You can also swing by McDonalds and get shamrock shakes! You can go by after school so you don’t waste a trip. Plus, they have drive-thru, no getting out of the car!!
On a side note, I saw someone recently wearing your cat leggings in public! I immediately thought of you!
Thanks for your writing!!
You are my holiday-craft-making-breakfast-for-dinner mom hero! My kids will be lucky (get it, lucky?!) if they manage to find a pair of greenish underwear to mark St. Patrick’s Day. Guess I’ll have to pinch them.
Amen, Foxy AMEN. Haven’t we had enough cutesy Pinterest bullshit with that red felted bastard, Elf on the Shelf?!
I will at least go pull out a semi-clean green shirt for my kids to wear tomorrow. DONE.
Love this. Perfect idea: green water in the toilet! I think we even have a box of Lucky Charms laying around. Winning!
Soooo, I think I fucked things up. I drank the Guiness…ok a lot of it. Got crafty, now MY pee is green. Dunno, calling Martha for advice.
I don’t know, that all seems like a lot of work. My approach is just to pinch them when they come downstairs and aren’t wearing green. That works, right?
Now THIS I can do.
I celebrate by telling my kids that the leprechaun never visited MY house when I was a kid, so I’m pretty sure that he’s not going to visit theirs.
I’m super fun.
Cheers to green beer ?
My friend puts green light bulbs in the kids bathroom. Boom happy St Patrick’s day ♻️