Do not gloat on social media. Seriously. It’s unbecoming and unflattering. It makes people hate you, and it makes Murphy tap his evil fingers together while plotting revenge.
I’m not saying you can’t be proud of your accomplishments. You absolutely can and should be. But there is a difference between sharing good news and being a complete and total asshole.
Believe me, I know. I’ve been that asshole. And I suffered severely.
See, when my son finally started preschool, I was going to be alone in my house for the first time in several years. So I took my joy to Facebook. (I gloated.)
Somebody starts preschool today! (And he just read this status update to me.)
I probably should have just left it at that. My son was happy; I was happy; and people were happy for us. But I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Later that day, I went out to a celebratory breakfast with some friends, and like a complete jerk, I posted this picture and caption to my timeline:
By the end of the day, I was so full of myself, I posted a complete Daily Report.
Preschool Day 1 Report: Went to Bill’s Cafe for breakfast with some girlfriends. The mimosa was delicious, but the hash browns were the real star of the show. Had a wonderful, long, *uninterrupted* grown-up conversation. Didn’t have to pick up any crayons or cut up anyone else’s food… Wait. What’s that? Oh, you mean how was *Colin’s* day at school? He had “a great day” too. Thanks for asking.
(I’m still shaking my head in shame about that one.)
My son was only going to preschool two days a week, but I relished my six hours of “free” time. I had to make sure the entire world (or at least my couple hundred Facebook friends) “shared in” my happiness. During his second day of school, I had the audacity to post the following picture and caption:
What that caption should have read: I am a complete and total asshole. Who has ridiculous California tan lines on my feet.
At the end of that second day of school, I AGAIN posted a full report:
Preschool Day 2 Report: Discovered that 3 hours is the perfect amount of time to have coffee on The Avenue, get a pedicure, and do a little bit of shopping. Good data for next week.
Do you know what’s coming next? I bet you do, because people who gloat (should) always get a pie in the face. In my case, it was even better. I got puke in my lap.
Just got woken up and puked on. Awesome. I swear you’d think I’d learn to stop gloating when a kid starts school. Murphy was especially vicious this time.
But Murphy wasn’t content with a single pile of vomit on my pajamas and sheets. No, he delivered a multi-species, multi-symptom sickness in the ultimate gloating smack down. He wanted to put me in my place. And he did.
Suddenly, I had two kids puking and pooping all over the place. I was puking and pooping all over the place. And my dog—not to be excluded—started puking and pooping all over the place. It was literally (I used that word correctly) the House of Puke and Poop.
This week is shaping up to be one of those weeks where I’m glad I can’t smell a damn thing. And that’s all anyone probably wants me to say on the matter.
(Aren’t you glad I didn’t post a photo with that status update?)
The sicknesses dragged out over a two-week period. School was missed. No free time was had. We all suffered.
Bitter pill swallowed (and then puked back up repeatedly), on the day my son finally went back to school, I posted once again on Facebook:
Colin was *ecstatic* to be going back to school today. I will no longer be posting my feelings on the matter.
Photo Credit: peggyblume / 123RF Stock Photo
27 Responses
Guilty as charged 😉
Kevin and I may have high-fived each other as the bus pulled away and then gone to breakfast. I probably took pictures.
Karma’s a bitch. At least when you were bending over holding a small child’s head (or your own head) out of the toilet, your toes looked fabulous.
Facebooknwasnt born when my kids were in preschool, but my job didn’t permit my wife and I to have a “normal” marriage. I was in bed before my kids because I had to be Ip for work @ 1 am. The afternoons were “our time”…. Time to get things done like groceries and other mundane tasks. It was also the time when we could do the “horizontal bop” night time just didn’t work. It never failed the one time that both of us were horny and planned to get down and dirty….one of them got sick. Even thou this story doest relate to karma on Facebook it ends up being just karma.
As long as you’ve learned your message…
Lesson learned. Hope everyone is back to full health (but your toes DO look fab!!)
Thanks for the warning. I’ll keep it in mind in 50 years when I get children out of the house again. 🙂
Yeah… you have to watch that Murphy, he’s a total bastard.
Last time I gloated on facebook about starting my own blog, facebook then stopped me from posting any link to it on there at all, ever.
Hope you and yours are feeling better!
Murphy is a full on prick.
YES! Exactly what I was going to say! lol
I refuse to confirm or deny having done this because the consequences were swift and severe. Oy, bad memories. 🙂
Regarding Murphy, my usual thought is “I hate that little Irish bastard”. I feel your pain regarding the poop. Once when my son was a toddler he had crawled into our bed during the night (a common occurrence). The only problem was that he had gotten sick during the night and had a massive diarrhea explosion under the covers. It was like that scene with the horse’s head in the “Godfather”. I woke up, smelled something wrong, pulled back the covers and screamed. I was tempted to throw away all the sheets, comforter and mattress, it was so vile.
Yeah, I’m not a gloater, I do the exact opposite. I obsess over the “negative” things in life and pounce all over those. For example, I’m on vacation next week and all three of the kids are off for spring break, so they’ll all be with me. All day. Every day of the week. I will hate it when I’m not enjoying it. I would love some free time to myself, so I understand why you were giddy, still, karma.
You do realize Murphy resides at the school? He only comes home to visit at the worst possible times. He is always in attendance at the parent teacher conferences without fail. He is always the first to shove your foot in your mouth when you are meeting the new mothers you will have to deal with for the next 8 years. What’s worse he is always there when you child tells the teacher how much you couldn’t stand her class as your brother already ad her…..Seriously I feel your pain. I know it can’t get any worse when the dog even starts puking. That always indicates a second round of puking is going to visit each and every person in your home! If it is of any help there is a supplement ( vitamin section called Sam- e) when taking this you can smugly smile as every other family in school has the horrendous stomach flu & you & Mr Foxy will never get ill. ( I have no affiliation with said supplement) . We were 8 years free of colds, flu, stomach bugs etc, UNTIL we stopped taking it! ! !
Feel free to edit if it is against rules to name a product.
We now have a grandson (code name typhoid Marty) & have started taking it again! LOL
*Whines* But your Facebook status updates are so funny! I think you should give it another try — maybe the first retribution was a fluke! And if it wasn’t, and Murphy strikes again — well, look on the bright side. All of us will have been very entertained 😉
bahahahaha!!! This was amazing. LOL. Remind me never to post updates again of my child-free days. I don’t want a vomit, poo filled home. baha!
HAAAAA! So funny! Sorry about all the puking and pooping — but at least your toes looked nice! 🙂
Excellent post. At least you had nice toes while you puked. The worst. First week at preschool = getting sick. Always happens. First week back to school EVERY FREAKING FALL. I brace myself now.
Oh man then I’m that asshole too. Luckily I wasn’t on FB by the time my now 10yo started daycare because I LITERALLY ran out of the place shrieking with delight, speedily got myself to the swankiest coffee establishment and sat in the sun. Oh and didn’t once do the grief-stricken sobbing mother thing thinking about her baby with those total strangers. Would I have posted about it if I was on FB then? Er…yep. Do I think that would have been gloating. Er…nope. You earned the right to ‘share your happiness’ in my humble unasked for opinion 🙂 Mothering is hard and tiring and you earned it and other parents understand that.
Ok, second post possibly warranted a pie in the face but damn it, if I had feet like that I’d take out a full page ad in the newspaper to show them off.
I like my soapbox.
Murphy doesn’t exist. But people in your neighborhood do, and they will smack you down like crabs in a bucket if they see you rising above them. So, yeah, don’t fuck with the tribe. Next time, invite all the Moms to go with you, or they will be showing up at snack time and “helping” Colin with his food…
Been there and done that myself. And trust me won’t be doing it again either – enough said!
It took me 16 years — yes — 16 years to get all of my four kids out of here and off to school so I TOTALLY get the thrill of mimosas and pedicures sans buckling anyone into a car seat. I guess I should just be glad there wasn’t Facebook back then. Glad you all are on the mend … 😉
Thanks for living to tell the tale about maybe not telling the tale so much. I think. Haha.
Yup, pretty sure the universe was trying to say you were maybe full of a little too much shit. But I have to say, I thought those status updates were F-U-N-N-Y! Minus the hash browns part. That detail was indeed rather indulgent.
I read your posts in the middle of the night when I’m up with the baby. It’s safe to say she’s had more than a few milkshakes from my body shaking with laughter. Love all of your stuff, Foxy!
You should have gloated! It’s amazing when you actually get time to yourself! Sorry about the puke though…ick.
the sick. Worst part of starting school. It’s been eight months now…still with the snot. Uggghhh..