I want “Poop Hero” added to my tombstone. Here’s why.
I was drinking coffee and perusing Twitter the other morning in my breakfast room. (“Breakfast room” sounds way more fancy than it really is—it’s a tiny breakfast nook off of the kitchen. I also call my teeny-tiny backyard a “courtyard” for the very same reason—fancy.) Anyhow, I like hanging out in the breakfast room because I can see all of the comings and goings in front of my house. I’m nosey like that.
So I was drinking my coffee when I saw two ladies walking a beautiful Golden Retriever down the street. Sure, the women both looked very cute and perky with their bottle-blonde pony tails and in their matching tennis outfits that will likely never see a tennis court, but what I focused in on is the dog. I LOVE dogs so of course I stopped what I was doing to admire this gorgeous canine whose coat had that fresh-from-the-groomers shine (no way in hell those ladies groom their own dogs). Then the very pretty puppy proceeded to take a crap right on my neighbor’s lawn.
Now I’ve got a dog and have lived with dogs my entire life. They crap. No big deal. You pick it up and move along. Except these ladies didn’t bother to pick it up. They even had a bag tied to the leash, but they didn’t use it. The lady holding the leash bent down slightly to examine the poop, then stood straight up and just kept walking.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked no one in particular. (That might be one of my favorite expressions.)
I jumped out of my chair, grabbed a poop bag from our stash, and ran out the front door to confront them. But I couldn’t be mean—I had to give them a way out of the awkward situation.
Me (holding up the bag): “Oh hey. Did you need a bag to pick up after your dog?”
Poop Leaver (walking by my house): “Oh no. It was so small. You could barely see it.”
Me: “Uhhh…”
Poop Walker-Awayer (still walking…): “Yeah, and it was in sticks and everything.”
Me: “Uh, you need to pick it up so someone else doesn’t step in it.”
Poop Bitch (completely passing my house): “You could barely see it.”
So I went over to pick up the poop because my dog and I walk by there all of the time. I didn’t want either of us stepping in it, and it wasn’t very nice to my neighbor. I looked at the poop, and it was not small. (Big dog = big poop) Yes, it was in some tiny twigs, but I just picked those up with the poop.
I was even more pissed. I proceeded to jog down the street—still in my pajamas—after the ladies, and I started hollering and waving their dog’s poop at them, “That was not small! You need to pick up after your dog!”
Only they ignored me and just kept walking down the street. My big, scary neighbor across the street must have figured out what was happening (probably not too hard since I was yelling about dog poop and waving a steaming bag of shit in the air). Then he screamed at the top of his lungs, “YOU! NEED! TO! PICK! UP! YOUR! DOG’S! SHIT!!!”
But they kept right on walking.
I looked at my big scary neighbor and shrugged my arms dramatically so he could see I was pissed too. (I didn’t need him directing his big scary hate towards me.) We both shook our heads and walked back to our houses.
So, yeah, the poop bitches totally ignored me. And I ended up picking up after their dog. But I bet they won’t do that again. I showed them. FOR SURE.
Or at least they’ll avoid my house next time.
Photo Credit: “Poop Scoop Bags” by Danie van der Merwe is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.
44 Responses
I can totally picture this! Love that you chased them holding dog shit – now this is my kinda story!!
Thanks! Mr. Foxy could totally picture it as well–the security camera caught a good portion of the exchange.
Awesome!
Thank you. 🙂
OMG I love you. The visual is priceless. I caught a poop and run on our security camera a couple of weeks ago. I meant to make a humiliation sign, complete with photos. But I ran out of time. I’m inspired again. Maybe I’ll put one up!
I’m hoping that me + big scary neighbor is deterrent enough, but we do have most of the incident on the security footage. 🙂 P.S., I love you too.
A woman in her pajamas running with a bag of dogshit swinging over her head and yelling ” pick up your dog’s shit”….first thought for me….pyscho chick….I love you ,but if you cased me like that…definitely a 911 call would be made. 😉
“Chased”….. Damn small keyboards
Someone else called me their Poop Hero. So I’m going to go with that one.
This is when you follow them to their house and drop the poop in THEIR yard. Their dog, their poop, their yard. They aren’t gonna pick it up, then they’re gonna run the risk of stepping in it with their pretty pretty shoes later.
Amanda beat me to it. I was going to say that same thing. If they were walking the dog, they have to lived close by. I’d leave that shit on her porch.
Also, are you fucking kidding me is my favorite thing to say. EVER.
Yeah, I still haven’t figured out where they live. I’ve narrowed it down a bit tho. 😉
We had to invest in a hidden camera after the sign we posted, complete with bags attached, didn’t work. I swear there was a large retriever-size poop every morning. My plan was to take the picture, post it around the neighbourhood with ‘Have you seen this man? He is the notorious Poop Man. He is wanted for not taking care of his dog’s business. If you see him, give him a stink-eye, call him Poop Man and give him one of these bags. You will be saving humanity.’ I am going to add, ‘and save me from running down the street in my jammies, cuz no one wants to see that.’ Thanks for the idea.
We’ve got a good portion of the incident on our security camera footage. It’s pretty funny. And I’m happy to provide you with more menacing wording for your sign. 😉
A former neighbor of mine watched his little dog shit in my drive way. RIGHT IN MY DRIVEWAY. I asked him if he was going to pick it up and he laughed at me and walked back in his house.
I would not have been able to resist putting that on his porch.
You put that bag on her front porch then light it on fire.
But you didn’t hear that from me.
Light that shit on fire. On her front porch. Then be like, “These flames are so small and in sticks in stuff–you totally can’t see them!”
P.S. I thought I already commented, so if you have double crazy from me, I apologize 😉
*Adds “Find poop bitch’s house” to To-Do list*
I like your double crazy. xo
I would have totally left that shit on their porch and lit it on fire. My mom’s neighbor used to let their dogs shit in her yard until we poked the turds with sticks and threw them back in their yard. My sister got several on one stick and yelled “Poop kabob” and thew it back in their yard. We almost peed ourselves laughing over that one.
Totally my favorite phrase too! And we have a neighbor that let’s his dog poop in the street. Drives me INSANE! I unfortunately am never able to catch him “in the act”. I love that you had no issues in attempting to confront them and chasing them down..in jammies no less. 🙂
I feel it’s my duty, really. Especially now that someone crowned me “Poop Hero.” 😉
Oh. No. They. Didn’t. We have a Chihuahua. His poops are small–you have to watch him go or it will be impossible to find the tiny turd, but guess what? We still pick up his poop, even if it has sticks in it. Sometimes our lab mix gets the walky poops and we don’t really want to pick them up, but they’re gross and no one should have the misfortune of stepping in that shit (literally), so we pick them up. The moral of the story is–pick up the poop, tennis ladies. P.S. I love that you ran after them with a steaming bag of poop! They’re totally going to stub their toes, because karma.
Those people make me so mad! In my neighborhood there are a couple of houses who let their large dogs out very early in the morning, unattended, to roam the neighborhood and shit on everything. I have a large dog (who I clean up after every.damn.time.no.matter.what.) while my immediate neighbors have no dogs or tiny dogs.
Last Summer I noticed the neighbors giving me the Stink Eye and glaring at my dog. I had no idea why but it made me uncomfortable – we try to be polite to everyone and I couldn’t think what the offense might have been.
Then one morning, unable to sleep, I got up, took the dog out and saw the neighbor’s big dog shitting where everyone walks. No sign of a person and when it saw me it beat feet back home. Aha! They all thought it was MY dog leaving early morning presents for them. Mystery solved.
I spread the word as to the real culprit and they stopped glaring at me and my dog. I made sure the offending neighbors got an earful from the Cranky Neighborhood Bitch (interestingly enough it’s not me – yay!) and the poop magically quit appearing every morning.
Your solution might have been quicker, though…
I would have just thrown it at them…just saying.
Let me start by saying this is my first comment buy I’ve been faithfully reading you for over 6 months now and I love your grandma stories… BUT, I started keeping the hose out for people like that. When they don’t pick up their poop and it’s reach of my hose, I walk out, turn the hose on, and spray it off the area and in their direction. Some have gotten me so mad I aim high enough to get them and their shoes and dog wet-shitty
Here’s a trend I don’t get. People around here will go to the trouble of picking up and bagging their dogs’ crap, but then they just tie off the bags and leave them there! I’ve never caught anyone in the act, but I keep seeing bagged poop nuggets lying around everywhere on sidewalks and lawns. On some of the local trails people will even tie them to tree branches like some kind of scatological ode to the Blair Witch. WTF, people, WTF.
Why are people such a-holes? Leaving your dogs crap on my lawn isn’t ok. Not one bit! I, being the crazy bitch my husbands claims I am. Put a homemade sign on my lawn (made sure print was large and clear) which read; don’t be a jerk, pick up after your dog or, I will follow you to your home and leave my kids diaper full of crap on your lawn. It worked. So I took it down. Found another pile of poop a few days ago. Guess they’re new neighbors who don’t know the rule. Time to break out the old sign.
i would have swung that bag around and thwacked (fun word) that bitch right in the middle of her back! It’s only a small spot, you can’t even see it.
They would have to be very brave…or very stupid…to return to your street. While they might ignore one crazy person, two of them – especially when one is massive and scary – should be enough to dissuade them.
Here’s a dog shit story for you:
A long time ago, and very far away, we lived in this really small (like 6 houses) development out in the country. I’m talking the boonies here. The first house built was occupied by an older retired couple who had never had children, and who were alternately friendly or completely batshit crazy, especially her. Our neighbors at the top of the hill had a couple of BIG dogs, a golden retriever and a giant schnauzer. Well, one of them apparently left a nice big pile of steaming dog shit in the old couple’s yard. We knew it was one of them, because nobody else had a dog yet.
Well, the old lady had her husband make a BIG sign…we’re talking billboard size here…that said in very large letters: IS THIS YOUR DOG’S SHIT??? with an arrow pointing down to a big bag of, you guessed it, dog shit that was nailed to the billboard. I had to pass that monstrosity atrocity every freakin’ time I drove into the neighborhood. They left it there for an entire month. I have no idea if there was ever a conversation between the two affected parties, but it left a lasting impression on me, I can tell you.
I would have yelled at the two bitches, too. That’s just rude.
ha! They’re lucky you didn’t launch it at them and their dog. Well said!
I’ve told all my neighbors: “If your dog poops on my lawn, I’ll send my kids to poop on yours.”
Omg. I wish you were my neighbor. I too have a mystery dog shit leaver, and am the neighborhood poo shamer. I use sidewalk chalk, and outline it, accompanied with notes in nice big capital letters that you could probably read from space. Then I take pics and post them on FB. I’ve seen the woman who leaves it, but have yet to figure out where she lives. I would bag up a weeks worth of cat litter cleanings, and leave it in her driveway/sidewalk. Only after I loudly confronted her about leaving this poop. To add insult to injury, we live next to an empty lot that is unbuildable. So the entire neighborhood walks their dog to the lot, lets their dog do their biz, and leaves it. It’s especially pleasant in summer when the poop bakes in the sun allllll day and the odor wafts on over. But I digress. Neighborhood poo shamers unite!
Ha! You are my husband! He would totally do that. He likes to put hand-written signs in our yard next to the dog poop: “Thanks for your dog shit!”
Man, I’m with you! I teach elementary PE & find dog poop, HUGE ones, on the field. I mean, who takes their dog to an elementary school and says, “Oh, kids play here…. let me just let my dog crap here.” It’s no joke either. I had a student fall chest first into a pile of dog poop. There’s got to be a special place in hell for these people.”
P. S. When you scream at people, throw in some weird hand gestures and mumbling. It makes people think you’re crazy and cursing them and freaks them out….he he. 🙂
Ha! I love that you chased them down the street. I suffer from a chronic case of being-too-blunt-itis, so I think I’d have opened the window and shouted something like ‘If you don’t pick that up, I will and then I’ll throw it at you’
I have trouble making friends.
I always pick up after my dog, but I got so pissed once when he stopped to pee at the very edge of someone’s grass, and the owner berated me for letting him poop in his yard. I wish I hadn’t gotten so flustered and had a snappy comeback. Or I at least wish I had flung the bag of poop that I was already carrying (because he pooped like 3 blocks away! And I picked it up!) at him. But mainly I walked away wondering why people have to be such jerks.
Bahahahahaha! You are HILARIOUS! I can’t believe you chased them down with a bag of poop! I’ve confronted people about not cleaning up after their dogs, but never chased them with a bag of feces. Excellent work!
This is absolutely hilarious! I love that you chased them down the street and the neighbor loudly chimed in to assist. Now let’s hope they don’t do that again. And if you see any poop in your yard, you know who’s ass to kick!
You are badass! That was so rude of them. Where we used to live was off a corner and people put their dog’s poop in our garbage all the time. The worst was the person who scooped it in there with a piece of cardboard. AYFKM, indeed.
You are my hero. My neighborhood has been disgusting lately. Unfortunately, I never catch anyone in the act. But one day, revenge will be mine!
You got it sistah. My case, it’s a retired neighbor who lets his dog pee on my lawn where my driveway meets the road. I think they guy figures that 1 yard strip of lawn at the foot of our front yards is municipal property (it is), and he can thus let his dog pee there.
Here’s the thing: we are all responsible for those “strips”. You don’t see the city come by with a lawnmower and cut the grass on that strip, or weed it, or fertilize it. We have to maintain it. So if we have to maintain it, don’t we have the right to govern what goes on, on it? Like asking people not to let the dogs pee there?
Especially in winter?
You can always do what my mother once did. Very large neighbor with a very tiny dog used to let it crap in everyone else’s yard just after dark each day. We had 3 dogs and my mom made us be diligent about scooping because nothing is worse than running over it with the lawn mower. She had enough and proceeded to collect his dog’s mess over the course of the next week. She snuck up there after her 2nd shift nursing job one night and proceeded to strew the contents of the bucket all around his front lawn. The whole neighborhood knew when they found it because you could hear screaming about it being on shoes. Needless to say, he wasn’t a problem any more.