When my daughter was approaching age two, everyone (read: my mother and mother-in-law) kept telling me that it was time to get her out of diapers and start teaching her to use the toilet. They gave me all sorts of “helpful” advice on potty training and (probably) silently judged me for not initiating the process sooner.
The problem was my daughter wasn’t even remotely interested in using the toilet (other than as a swimming pool for her dolls) so I left the issue alone, because lazy thinking “She’s Ready When She’s Ready.”
As she approached two and a half, the peer pressure started (from my peers, not hers). Smug bitches Well-intentioned moms would inquire about my daughter’s potty-training status and (probably) silently judged me for not initiating the process sooner.
My daughter was still not interested in the toilet. At that point, however, I started to think that maybe I was behind (pun intended, always), and so I researched and purchased all of the necessary (read: over-priced and absolutely unnecessary) supplies:
- Ergonomic, neutral-to-match-the-bathroom-decor potty chairs
- A fold-up travel potty seat for out of the house excursions
*
- A potty training handbook for me
- A potty training book for her, which promised to gently encourage her into her new life stage
- Wine
I nonchalantly placed the potty chairs around the house and made a point of reading her potty book every day. All casual-like. I put her stuffed animals and dolls on the potty chairs. We sang potty songs. We had potty picnics.
She could not have cared less.
With preschool looming, I started to worry a little. She HAD to be out of diapers by preschool or I would miss out on quiet time they wouldn’t let her in. And she would miss out on a year of valuable education.
I resolved to work harder on the potty training. I liked the idea of positive reinforcement so I designed an elaborate sticker chart so my daughter could earn stickers each time she sat on the toilet. Honestly, she was still not interested, but she was an easy-going kid (and she liked stickers). She’d sit on the potty to humor me (and collect stickers).
But she didn’t want to use the toilet. I started to get really nervous. Because everyone (read: my MIL, mother, and close friends) was telling me to panic and were not-so-silently judging me.
So I panicked.
I compromised my decor convictions and purchased a horribly-ugly, cartoon-themed, cushioned potty seat
Eventually too much pressure lead to holding it in. Which lead to constipation. Which lead to Miralax. Which lead to The Great Jackson Pollock Poop Explosion of 2006. (I’m saving that story for another day.)
Eventually, she finally did learn to use the toilet. But the road to the throne was paved with millions of unnecessary tears and anxiety. And that was just from me.
So when my son was born, I vowed not to repeat the same mistakes. I vowed to wait until he was ready and not to force him to use the toilet. And to tell all the naysayers that they could naysay all they wanted.
I dutifully changed his diapers. When he turned two, I casually gauged his interest in the toilet (non-existent). So I kept my mouth shut.
Then he turned two and a half and still had no interest in the toilet. I continued to change his diapers. And only occasionally asked him about his friends who might be using the potty.
Then he turned three and still had no interest in the toilet. I continued to change his diapers. And every once in a while mentioned how his best friend started using the potty after he turned three.
Then he turned three and a half and, you guessed it, had no interest in the toilet. But I STILL continued to change his diapers. And only casually mentioned to him that he was big enough to sit on the potty if he wanted to try.
I was being so patient. But dammit if those diapers weren’t getting expensive. And those poops man-sized.
Finally, the day before his fourth birthday, I had a flash of brilliance. I told my very logical and compliant child, “Son, there’s a rule. See, four-year-olds aren’t allowed to wear diapers during the day. Tomorrow you’re going to be four. So, no more diapers during the day.
The very next day he used the toilet with not so much as a peep. And never looked back.
Why the hell didn’t I think of that sooner?
*I found this product, unused and still in it’s original packaging, about two years ago when cleaning out the coat closet. It would have been more efficient to flush that money down the toilet.
Photo Credit: Potty Training Chair by Joe Shlabotnik is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.
21 Responses
WHY are other people so interested in when our kids are potty trained. I did not potty train either of my boys..I just assumed that they wouldn’t be shitting in their pants when they were 21 and it would be FINE.
My younger son held out until 3.5 and, like you, my biggest concern was continuing to pay for diapers.
Yeah, I think only the person changing the diapers gets to have any opinion at all.
I needed this so much!!!! Only we tried the while 4 yr olds don’t wear diapers it didn’t work and now my son will be 5 in 3 months bd starting school in 6 months and he still doesn’t care or have interest in the potty.
My daughter wasn’t trained until the week after her 4th birthday. She just wasn’t interested until I told her that I wasn’t going to change her anymore and if she was going to wear diapers should would have to be in charge of them. It only took two days (and one really messy poop that she had to clean off herself in the bathroom) to get her trained. The boys were much easier! So easy, in fact, that I don’t remember doing it at all!
After a 30 minute wait in the school hall at pick up yesterday I loaded up my little guy on Miralax this morning and now I’m a little nervous about a Jackson Pollock poop explosion. 🙂
I had a similar experience getting my son to potty train. We started “trying” when he was 2, he started preschool at 2.5, and they also did potty training. He was really good about not peeing in pants, but WOULD NOT poop in a potty, or a toilet until he was almost 4. It took a lot of patience to get there, especially since I had my mom and MIL also not silently judging, etc. But he eventually did it when he wanted to. I think people are pushed into training kids before they are truly ready. Some train sooner, some later, but they all eventually do it.
My potty training track record:
Kid #1 – Boy – Beg, plead, bargin…explain (loudly) that he couldn’t go to Pre-K if he wasn’t potty trained – wasn’t fully potty trained until after he turned 4. Still has potty aversions and is almost 7. Feel like the biggest loser mom ever.
Kid #2 – Girl – Offer treats, tv, etc. Fully potty trained in a week…at 2.5 with only 2 BAD public accidents. On cloud 9. Now 5, daughter claims she has been potty trained her whole life.
Kid #3 – Boy – 3.5 and we are currently making attempt #3 to potty train. Basically we are sitting on the little potty watching tv and eating and drinking everything in sight so that there is almost always an urge to go. It is Day 2 and he pee’d on a banana peel this morning and blamed his underware.
Is it too early to drink? I’m totally going to do that 4yo thing if this doesn’t work!
I don’t get why people around you are so up your ass (pun intended..) about getting kids to go on the potty so early. My mother swears that I started learning at 1 which is completely ridiculous. I was able to get my oldest out of diapers at 2 1/2 and I was pregnant with my youngest because I didn’t want two kids in diapers. He did ok. My youngest on the other hand, didn’t do it until right before preschool at almost 4. I knew what my mother thought and didn’t give a shit.
My best friend’s daughter was pee-potty trained early but absolutely REFUSED to poop on the potty. When my BFF would ask her WHEN she was going to poop on the potty she told her “WHEN I’M 4”. Guess what! DURING her 4th birthday party, she disappeared to the bathroom, spend 15 minutes in there and PROUDLY came out and announced that since she was 4, she had just pooped on the potty.
I was so, so lucky that our Montessori preschool trained both of my kids. No muss, no fuss, no tears, no accidents, and no negative after-effects. Miraculous, really.
My oldest was like that with his bottle. One night when he was about 13 months old, he took the top off his bottle and poured it out on the bed. I said, “Fine.. if you aren’t going to drink it, I’m not going to make you anymore.” And he never asked for one again.
I waited until my oldest (daughter) was ready. She was 4 (now 17). Went from diapers to underwear in one night and only had a pee pee accident once. My son was a totally different story. He’s autistic and was terrified of the potty. My father pushed and pushed me to potty train him. The stress got to both of us and he started holding it in. I backed off and finally got him potty trained (during the day) when he was 5 (he’s 15 now) during Spring Break. Trained overnight when he was 7. Now, I have a 2yr old. She’s a little delayed. I will do the same with her that I did with the my oldest: wait until she is ready.
I have potty trained 3, and all 3 were different. 1st was almost 3 when I brought #2 home from the hospital. She had used the potty when she felt like it. I looked at her and said,” I won’t have 2 in diapers, you are a big girl now, no more diapers.” 2nd was 3 1/2 and was not too interested in the potty. I caught him in the backyard, with his shorts and pull up down, peeing on a dead bird. That was the last time he wore a diaper. 3rd was almost 3, and wanted to go to preschool. I let her run around bare butt for 2 days, and cleaned up a couple of puddles. Yeah all are house broken now.
Love this! My kid is no where near using the potty and he’s three. The other was virtually 4 when he did it. I’m super chilled about it and like Michelle, I’m confident that he won’t be shitting his pants in his 30s….unless he is totally shit faced drunk that is! And that would be an issue for his wife….NOT ME!! x
I had almost an identical experience except that my son was first and my daughter trained herself (but she was only 2 … Little Miss Independent wanted to do it all herself, which included taking care of business).
This is what I pay daycare the big bucks for, second only to child care while I work. Then if she’s not trained by a certain acceptable age, I have something to blame.
Kidding aside, the haters on late-potty-training can kiss my daughters soggy butt. When she’s ready, she’s ready. No sense in giving her a complex, and myself an ulcer.
This mashed me feel so much better! My 3 year old also has no interest and it’s frustrating when all my friends’ kids are ditching their diapers.
Oops, makes, not mashed
Thank you so much. I really needed this and all the comments. I have a 3.5 year old girl who is so not interested in the toilet and I am tired of getting the comments from everyone about how she is going to be in high school and I will still be changing her diapers. I am just like leave me alone.
You know, I got same thing from mother/mother-in-law, but I ignored it. After all, one is an extremist and the other is a complex mess. My kids eventually potty trained on their own time. But my confession is that although the kids were not supposed to have pull ups in preschool, I sent mine in pull ups. They would occasionally go pee in them, no big deal. Thank God they never pooped in them (my deception would be have been revealed). I think, though, having them around the other kids who were using the toilet helped get them there.
The most common cause of enuresis (night and day wetting)? Constipation. As in, 90% plus according to the paed urologists. And the most common cause of constipation in kids by a country mile (barring diagnosable medical causes such as Hirschsprung’s)? Pushing kids to ‘potty train’ before they’re ready. If they feel pressured, as some posters have noted, they get stressed about the whole thing, and hold it.
Kids will do it when they’re ready, both psychologically and neurologically. And even the neurological side of that varies hugely between children, and can’t be pinned down by age. A major problem is the insistence from a lot of pre-schools that kids be toilet trained before they can attend. For a lot of parents, they need to be able to return to work etc, so day care has to be planned, booked/enrolled etc. Trained early childhood educators are supposed to learn about child development; but there seems to be gross ignorance on this one. And all the outside pressure (often from the preceding generation) makes the whole thing mad! Basically, most kids will be mostly trained by the time they start school – and infant class teachers are used to ‘accidents’ because they’re common and normal! (And sensible schools have spare underwear and clothes in case kids don’t have a change.)
The most sensible way to look at it is as several posters have commented: they’re not going to still be in nappies when they go to university! Well, barring those party costumes that seem to be mainly the purview of college-aged males…..perhaps they were potty trained too soon 😉
So just tell all the doom and gloom merchants that the paediatrician said they need to butt out or risk psychological trauma and years of expensive therapy, so they sure as he’ll better be coughing up to pay for it!
(I’m a registrar in child psychiatry right now – I’ll be the one doing/referring them for the therapy!)
Thank you Foxy for your blog that makes me chortle (and occasionally choke!); and all the lovely posters who keep me giggling down the page. You rock!