So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don’t despair—it happens to all of us eventually. Whether you’re fifty, have a family history of something crappy, or have another ailment that requires you to have a colonoscopy earlier, it’s gonna happen.
As luck would have it, I just had one. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to the procedure, I approached it with the same attitude I do everything: “Crap. Do I HAVE to?!” “I’m going to rock this shit.”
And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a marvelous list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies, too.
- Stock up on the most expensive toilet paper available. Tissue made from crushed velvet, saffron sprinkles, and unicorn breath? BUY IT. Don’t even think about skimping and buying the cheap stuff. Those flushable, pre-moistened wipes are a really good idea too.
- Give detailed instructions to your spouse/significant other/caretaker about what needs to be done while you are incapacitated. For example, I sent an email to my husband so he could plan his day accordingly: “My ass will be pouring liquids out all morning so you’ll need to do school drop-off.“
- Adequately prepare the children. Describe the procedure and how you will be feeling during the preparation and on the day itself. I told my kids, “The doctors are going to stick a snakelike camera up my butt and wiggle it around to get a good look inside. The day before I’m going to drink REALLY GROSS STUFF WORSE THAN ANYTHING YOU EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT and then live in the bathroom so I can poop everything out. EVERYTHING. After the procedure, I’m going to be groggy and eating ALL OF THE ICE CREAM in my room. Please don’t bother me. Unless you’re bringing me more ice cream.” They were envious. Natch.
- Plan your last meal carefully. Make it delicious, but be forewarned that it may be ruined forever for you. And eat enough that you get as far through the fasting phase as possible. I ate all the sushi in San Jose. And a little bit of candy.
I'm fasting tomorrow because of a medical procedure on Monday. So naturally I need to eat ALL OF THE LEFTOVER HALLOWEEN CANDY RIGHT NOW.
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) December 7, 2014
- Make crappy puns all day with your husband (while you’re still talking to him).
- Him: “Sorry your day is going to be shitty.”
- Me: “I’m going to read a good book. To get my juices flowing.”
- Him: “Wishing you ‘smooth’ sailing!”
- Me: “Sorry you have to deal with my crap.”
- Him: “Don’t worry. It will all come out okay.”
- Sequester yourself as necessary. You need to go on a liquid diet 24 hours prior to the procedure. If you’re like me, you may get a bit hangry. Lock yourself in your bedroom as not to verbally assault your family with venom and vitriol.
- When it’s time to drink the bowel prep solution, share your joy. Make people around you jealous.
http://instagram.com/p/wUry2kjdPa/
- That magical cleansing juice? It’s nasty. It’s worse than swallowing … you know. Just chug it. Seriously. I know it tastes like salty, bitter, rancid cough syrup. But let’s be honest, you drank worse stuff in college. CHUG IT!
- Set up a command station in the bathroom. Bring necessary supplies and things to keep yourself occupied and hydrated. Ensure all electronic devices are charged. If you have a padded toilet seat cover, now is the time to install it.
- Wear elastic waistband pants. Do not, under any circumstances, wear sweatpants with a drawstring. Trust me on this one. At times, you will have milliseconds to get to the toilet. Every second counts.
- Don’t wear good underwear, white underwear, or a thong throughout this process. Also, be prepared to burn the underwear.
- Refrain from live-tweeting your colon cleanse, but be sure to take selfies and send them to your Poop Club. Because THIS IS THE ULTIMATE IN POOP. (Dammit. I broke the first rule of Poop Club again.)
- In between rounds on the toilet, lay down on your bed. Or walk around the house. That toilet is your ankle bracelet—stay within a safe radius. But for goodness sake don’t do anything that involves squatting or bending over. JUST DON’T DO IT.
- Take a shower the morning prior to your procedure, but be ready to make an emergency exit to the toilet.
- Be super polite and friendly to the medical staff. Even when they blow three veins in your hand before getting the IV in. Remember that they are going to see the inside of your colon.
- Make awkward jokes with the doctors. Watch them courtesy laugh and pretend they’ve never heard “that one” before. Then relax, because this is the easiest part of the whole thing.
- Be sure to let people know how you’re doing afterward.
Thanks for the well wishes for my colonoscopy. Bottom line: it all came out ok in the end. Butt I sure am glad to have that behind me. xoxo
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) December 9, 2014
- Finally, if you plan it correctly, you can include pictures of your colon in your holiday cards.
P.S., Mr. Foxy? This procedure just confirmed why I don’t do butt stuff. Sorry.
Photo Credit: bialasiewicz / 123RF Stock Photo
31 Responses
priceless.
OMG I was laughing so hard at this- because I had to do bowel prep once for a surgery to remove endometriosis. So I got a lovely preview of the colonoscopy prep. Ugh. It was the most horrific Sunday of my life doing that prep. And because I am a masochist, I scheduled my procedure the day after my birthday, so guess what? I was doing bowel prep ON MY BIRTHDAY. I must have been out of my mind. Not looking forward to doing this again, although I know its a necessary evil, along with the annual booby squoosh known as mammography.
The joys of being a woman, I tell you! We are definitely the stronger sex.
I have had this procedure twice and holy hell…the prep is way worse than the camera. I don’t have to have another one until I’m sixty. So yay.
OMG, that is the best holiday card ever! What a clever way to use those lovely pics they take of your colon with the ass cam. Yours look very pink and healthy, btw. 😉
My favorite part of the bowel prep instructions: keep emptying your bowel until the liquid becomes clear. WTF? Great advice on the adult butt wipes, although it should be known that once you start using those you can go back.
*never* go back!
Oh damn, girl. That’s epic! I’ve never had a colonoscopy, but now I’ll be prepared when I do. And thank God for poop puns, right? 😉
This is the third colonoscopy story I’ve heard in the last two weeks- I shit you not! (See what I did there?) One was over Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll stop to let you imagine that and let all the questions seep out. (Like “Whaaaa?” And “What was the sequeway to that being a remotely appropriate topic?” And “Seriously Molly- you kept eating and didn’t miss a bite?” Yes it’s TRUE! It was pie! Two kinds! With real whipped cream!)
So now I think these ass doctors must have a quota they are trying to fill before the end of 2015 or maybe they were trained by The Gap School of Medicine- you go in for a normal physical and they upsell you “socks” up your tooshie. I call conspiracy. Or something.
My hubby had his colonoscopy yesterday, just like you. Clean as a whistle. You could eat off that thing it’s so clean. If, you know, that’s what you’re into.
You stole his idea for our Christmas card though. Thanks.
Santa Colon? Amazeballs. As a GI nurse, I can safely say I have never seen anything like that in my 10 year career. You.win.
That would be the best Christmas card ever. And I totally agree…drinking that stuff IS worse than drinking ‘you know.’ It would be, like, the dark underbelly of the poop club that not even people in the poop club talk about!
“why I don’t do butt stuff”… bahahaha!
Can’t WAIT. Hat tip to your colon for making it out intact.
I have had THREE of them, and YES to all of this. I think the stuff tastes like a crotch flavored grape lolly pop, but I like your description, too.
Holy sh*t! I was doing fine with chuckles and a few laughs until I hit the Santa Colon and lost it from there. Absolutely best card I’ve ever seen! And one more tip for the prep…start using diaper rash cream before even drinking the stuff and keep reapplying it throughout. Isn’t it just amazing how much acid there is up there???
Awesome. Esp the Xmas card. May the joy of the holiday season be coming out all our butts!
Had to have the dreaded colonoscopy once. The name of the bowel prep? Go Lytely. Girls, let me tell you there was NOTHING LYTE about how I was going. And in my everlasting lack of wisdom, I had scheduled my procedure for the day after Super Bowl Sunday. So during the Super Bowl, I was ON the Super Bowl!! UGH!!
After mine i could not eat anything cherry flavored for over 2 years. Nothing like a stream of water the size of a dime shooting our your rear every 10 minutes for hours. The santa colon pic is epic!
My doctor smiled patiently when I told him I usually get dinner and drinks first. He’s heard it all before!
Had mine yesterday. Chugged the awful stuff…has anyone considered using this as an EIT? When I was asleep….I really sleep soundly…my husband put magic marker arrows on my two cheecks pointing to the hole…just in case the doctor got confused with the others located in the same vicinity. I did wonder why people were laughing before I went to lala land. They give great stuff.
Yup. Been there, done that twice. The prep is the WORST. Go ahead and knock me out and stick the hose where the sun doesn’t shine, but keep that prep shit away from me, people. Plus now I can’t even smell apple juice without flashbacks *shudders*
I just had my first colonoscopy a few months ago. Luckily, everything looked beautiful (as beautiful as a colon can look) and I don’t have to do it again for ten years. I did a little happy dance right there in the recovery room. PS – I work at a clinic and the doctors here told me that they never drink that horrible concoction. Instead, they drink Gatorade with a bunch of Miralax in it – no briny rancid lemon flavor to deal with! I think it’s a secret that only doctor’s know – because they secretly love to make the rest of us suffer a little bit.
I was just yelled at for Laughing Out Loud…. Seriously, how the hell was I supposed to get through this post without LOLing….. Jeez, so I had to read it out loud, and I nearly peed myself and could not finish it. Sides now hurt form laughing so hard.
All I have to say to this entire post is:
BAHAHAHAKJHAKJSdhksjhksjhdkashdkdhasd
*wipes tear*
*wipes runny nose*
*dies*
(“Tissue made from crushed velvet, saffron sprinkles, and unicorn breath? BUY IT.” = best.)
P.S. I am only slightly sad that The Big Book of Parenting Tweets isn’t the poop room. 😉
Umm, shit. I’m scared now. I thought all those days after bad Mexican were terrifying but spending my night on the shitter and then having a camera up my ass does not sound like fun. Totally shitty in fact.
Glad you were able to see the humor in it and I’m glad it’s now all behind you.
Oh my, this was very, um…descriptive?? Lol.
I had it done once. Surely there’s a way to make that crap taste better than ocean water with shit particles floating in it, no?
Anyway, you and the mister are goofballs. Lol. Glad it all came out okay in the end though.
Only you can make a colonoscopy hilarious. If I ever have to have one, I’m taking you with me.
An FB friend shared one of your posts, and for the last 3 hours I have been reading your blog. LOVE IT! I must share my own butt inspection horrors! A few years ago, after a tragic exterior Christmas light installation, (the ladder tipped, I landed on big rocks! [I must do it all myself!]) I ended up with MRSA, and then c-diff (fucking horrible stuff!) After 2 months of suffering at home, I was “awarded” a one week hospital stay. After spending more of that time in the bathroom than in bed, my crazy doctor decided I needed a colonoscopy, complete with the prep! I point blank asked my nurse, “why do I need to drink a GALLON of this disgusting crap when I’ve been shitting my brains out? What could possibly be left??!!” I spent that last night in the hospital choking down Metamucil mixed with Gatorade, and catching naps on the toilet! Naturally, the doc found nothing but a squeaky clean colon. My consolation prize was the nice high I was on from the meds, AND a 26 lb weight loss. Thank you, dehydration!
wow! I thought I’d done pretty well at posting the ‘most disturbing hospital procedure picture on a blog 2014’
But you just won, hands down.
Congrats! (And thanks for making me laugh heartily!)
I’m pretty sure somebody already mentioned this in the comments, but it cannot be mentioned enough – BUTT CREAM! You’ll eventually feel like your ass is a flamethrower so use it!
Love your blog! Had my first BI last year, and it was all you said it is. Didn’t have to drink the nasty stuff. My doc had me drink the Miralax in a gallon of Gatorade, which wasn’t all that great since I hate Gatorade. My hubs had one of his the day after his birthday one year, so yeah, no birthday cake for him! I saved a piece for him, though.
I made myself a temporary tattoo. All bright red, green and pink. Biohazard! Exit Only Do Not Enter! And placed it at the top of my butt crack!. Staff told me to roll on my side and they couldn’t stop laughing for about 10 minutes.first 15-20 pictures are of my tattoo!!