Don’t worry—this is not a parody song. I can’t be bothered redoing that song. It goes on and on forever and ever and gets really annoying by like the first fifth verse. No, this here is a list of twelve actual lies that I tell myself and others over the Christmas season.
This is way better.
- “I’m going to get the shopping done early this year.” I have the best of intentions every Christmas, but the road to hell is paved with bubble wrap, packing peanuts, and overnight shipping labels.
- “I don’t want anything. I already have everything I need.” I tell my husband this constantly, and for the most part it’s true. But you know I’m secretly harboring wishes for something sparkly. Or bubbly. Or wine. Just get me wine.
- “Sure, honey, I’d LOVE to go to the mall to pick up that present for your mom.” I really want to say, “Your family, your problem.” Also, I hate the mall. HATE. IT.
- “No, there’s no booze in my eggnog.” Spoiler Alert: There’s ALWAYS booze in my eggnog.
- “We can’t get an elf on the shelf. Your little brother would be too scared.” That little white lie is so much easier than moving that creepy fucking elf every night.
- “I’ll just have ONE Christmas cookie.” Then I eat the entire platter. And some fudge too.
- “Nope. I didn’t eat the fudge. That must have been your son. You know how much he loves it.” I think we’ve already established that it’s always better to blame the offspring.
- “Oh, I’m sorry, the store was all out of that toy you wanted. We can try again for your birthday.” Let’s face it: it’s a super annoying toy. I don’t want it in my house. Not even for one second. And I’m not going to try and find it during birthday season either.
- “That’s just want I’ve always wanted.” No robe. No festive cheese knife. No oven mitts. Nope, nope, and nope.
- “I don’t know what happened. Santa must have drunk all of the wine.” I can’t even say this one with a straight face.
- “This year I’m going to put away the decorations in an organized fashion.” Then I shove that crap into random, unlabeled boxes just to get it out of my face and into the garage.
- “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Merry Christmas!” It’s the most hectic, guilt-inducing, put-on-five-more-pounds-I-didn’t-need time of year. But, yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas!
Okay, I may have exaggerated here a little. It is with utmost sincerity, however, that I wish all of you the merriest of holiday seasons. Thank you for reading my blog and spending time with me. I’m so grateful for all of you.
Cheers!
Foxy xoxo
P.S. Sorry. That ending was uncharacteristically mushy. How about this? Tell me your favorite holiday lie(s).
Photo Credit: “Gingerbread Eggnog” by Reese Lloyd is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.
44 Responses
You always brighten my day! Keep them coming! 🙂
Thanks for getting me, Chris! xoxo
I love you, but I think you know that already. Merry fucking Christmas to you, too!!!
Merry Fucking Everyday to you, Michelle! xoxo
Well Merry Fucking Christmas to you!!! Being honest , I would love to get a new robe … I LOVE my robe , but I wear it to death. It’s fucking cold in NY state most of the year. My hubby calls me “Hugh Heffner” because I love my robe THAT much. 😉
Yeah, I love my robe too. But I’m a bit picky about robes so I don’t think anyone could select the right one. Stay warm!
Favorite holiday lie: anything that forces me to say something nice about my mother-in-law. “of course they can stay with us!”, “your mother’s christmas traditions are so endearing (in a creepy oddly inappropriate way)”, “I LOOOOVE how your mother calls you “Pauly-wog” even though you are 6’4″ and 48 years old”…
Thanks for always making me laugh! Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!
I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about and can’t relate at all to those lies. 😉 Thank you so much for getting me, Tove! xoxo
I’ve told at least half of these lies. Wait that’s a lie – more like 3/4 of these lies.
And I didn’t have Christmas cookies for breakfast.
My favorite lie: “I would love to spend four days with your mom over Christmas. Sounds fantastic!”
That’s a WHOPPER.
“No, I can’t think of any way I’d rather spend yet another Christmas Eve than listening to your mother and sister speak over each other in progressively faster, louder, more repetitive, and more manic voices (in direct proportion to the number of empty wine bottles) while simultaneously having your father tell me that he doesn’t like any of the 15 types of effing cookies I spent hours upon hours baking because apparently he only eats one rare type baked somewhere on the plains in Africa. Love you lots! Merry Christmas…and God Help Us, Everyone!”
WAIT. Are you coming to my family’s Christmas gathering?! It sure sounded like it. Good luck this year! xo
There is ALWAYS booze in my eggnog too. SO. MUCH.
I need to send the husband out for more, now that I think of it.
Otherwise it’s just coffee creamer, right?
“I need to stop using the holidays as an excuse to eat hundreds of extra calories of sugar. I’m going to eat smarter this year and not overindulge,” I say as I tear the film off the second tin of chocolate-covered holiday biscuits.
It’s the thought that counts, right? At least, that’s what I keep trying to tell the bathroom scale.
It is the thought that counts. *wipes breakfast cookie crumbs from mouth*
Love it!!! I only wish I hadn’t started the stupid elf 🙂
Call me if you need someone to stage an “accident.”
#8 – If someone else gets it for your kid and it ends up in your house anyway? Make sure there are never batteries for it. Those talking toys that start chattering the minute it senses your presence in the room and never shut up? Those are more than fair game.
I don’t know what it is, but those kinds of toys always break in our house. ALWAYS.
All the wine lies.
All the cookie lies.
Fuck that creepy-ass elf.
We don’t do family. Only friends. Because friends are like wine; I like them.
Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too. Much love Friend.
Cookies. Wine. Friends. That’s all you need, right? xoxo
“I will shop early so I can ship all these gifts to East Coast relatives WITHOUT using Federal Express Overnight Shipping.”
Hahahahahaha SOB
I’ve been known to send electronic gift cards. But not on Christmas Day. Noooooo. No way.
It HAS TO be Christmas Day that the electronic gift cards are sent. Otherwise, the surprise will be ruined!
My favorite lie: “It really sucks that I have to be back at work. I wish I could spend the entire week to 15 days with your parents, sweetie. This sucks BEAN BAGS!”
In December I need ALL the wine. My lie is for all the people I used to send Christmas cookies when I was young and had no (or later, one) child. “We never got around to making cookies this year!” (we did, but just enough to scarf down ourselves.
With ALL the wine.
That’s brilliant. *steals lie for future*
The eggnog comment was my favorite. My lie is usually saying “perfect” to whatever gift I open if it isn’t cold hard cash or a gift card.
My classic lie is ALWAYS the answer to the question: “How are you feeling?” Fine! Great! Amazing. No one wants to hear the real answer. If they did, they would hand me a drink that was 85% vodka and ask me by looking deep into my eyes with an I’m-not-going-anywhere-for-the-answer tone, instead of as they briskly walk past me on the way to someplace else. Cheers, Foxy!
Bah fucking humbug. Just pass me the wine and I’ll be a happy girl.
I’m looking for ways to avoid another Christmas dinner with the in-laws this year and doing so without looking like a total ass. I love my MIL but holy crap that woman bitches about EVERYTHING and none of it is funny or interesting. I need to be drunk just to deal with her.
Biggest lie….the smile on my face during the holiday season when I don’t have alcohol in my system. I do love my family and friends. ..tremendously, but Christmas is all about get, get, buy, buy. Can’t stand the hustle bustle rudeness and crowds, ungrateful shots (I do love my kids..i promise) when unwrapping gifts and it’s not that $500 game system when they have one they don’t use already. So totally done with it. Heck, even the parents of the kids on my bus know what I want most….nice big cases of Miller Lite. Oh and cookies are good too!
Merry F’ing Christmas right back at ya! Now bring on a great holiday like St. Patrick’s Day! 🙂
Ungrateful *shits. Autocorrect didn’t like me calling my kids that I guess. Lol 😛
Haha just saw this now. My lie is certainly different:
“Yes, Mom, my mother-in-law is a heinous demon from hell. I hate every second of being in her presence. Of course I like you better.” (There is mucho jealousy over my inlaws….)
That’s my real name by the way….
I’ve never used this lie, but I’ve heard it… “I’m too sick *cough* to come to work. I hope *sniffle* you didn’t have plans for Christmas, and don’t mind working a 15 hour day.”
Just get your ass to work!
Been there, friend. People need to nut up!! Why go into a profession where you work holidays; if you’re going to call off and lie like a Republican? Those types need to do find work next to my son at the fast food place.rant complete
I am just frigging dying here of laughter. Oh I can admit my Christmas lie here as the Hubs will never see this….. Of course the MIL can stay over, i love it when she does that and helps in the kitchen (Can’t fucking cook to save her life) Oh and my favorite, No I got this I can clean up everything, you guys go play with what you got for Christmas (actually, get your fucking asses in here and you fucking do it, I do it every other fucking day of the year) Merry Effing Christmas….. I love Christmas 🙂
Mom, I would love(hate) for you to come over so we(I) can make 50 dozen cookies for our family gathering of 6 ppl. And of course I won’t mind when your back starts hurting on the car ride to my house, so you’ll need to sit down all day, EVERY YEAR.
I can always depend on you for a good laugh!
I agree with all of these things, but especially #11. I get all these ideas about being organized but then I’m so sick of Christmas by the time I put it away that I just throw it all in a huge container and shove it into storage.
And I’m grateful for you too. 🙂
Well said, Foxy. #2 x 12 sums it up at my house!
My favorite lie wears a red suit and takes credit for all my Christmas presents.
Sure, I’d love to draw names for Christmas about as much as I want to put lemon juice in my eye.
Ps, love your blog. You crack me up, darling!