About eighteen years ago, my husband ate my sandwich.
*pauses for effect*
HE ATE MY FUCKING SANDWICH. And an epic argument ensued. A. REALLY. BIG. ONE. I mean, we’ve had our fair share of spats and arguments, but The Great Sandwich Tragedy of 1997 is one that has really stuck with me throughout the years. So, naturally, I wrote all about it in a book.
My story, I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich, is part of a hilarious book called Clash of the Couples, a new anthology featuring a collection of absurd lovers’ quarrels and relationship spats from some of my very favorite writers. I have been cry-laughing through the entire book, which includes dozens of short stories running the gamut—from disagreements over furniture, to who gets the last beer, to where to store the placenta (yes, you read that right). You will love laughing at our fights too.
The book has been endorsed by a number of humor and publishing heavyweights, including Josh Blue, comedian and winner of NBC’s Last Comic Standing, and Abby Heugel, popular humorist and blogger at Abby Has Issues. Here’s what they had to say:
“If you’re looking for a fun read, check out Clash of the Couples. I could relate to the couples in this honest and hilarious collection of modern relationship tales. Clash of the Couples bursts with the real stuff that couples fight about and will make you laugh while shaking your head at the ridiculousness of it!” said Blue.
Heugel shares his sentiments. “Married, single, destined for spinsterhood—it doesn’t matter what angle you come at this book from, you will find something that you can relate to. And you will laugh, because even if you can’t relate to that particular situation, you’ll just be glad that it happened to somebody else.”
You should really buy this book. Seriously. Right now. I’ll wait. Buy one for yourself. Buy one for your friend who just got engaged. Purchase enough for everyone on your holiday shopping list. (That’s what I’m doing.)
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Naturally, as part of this epic launch, I’m giving away a copy of this hysterical book to one lucky reader. Here’s the deal. In thirty words or less, tell me about one of your “favorite” spats with your spouse/partner/not-so-better half in the comments below. I’ll put all of your names into a hat and pick a winner on November 15th to receive a signed copy of the book. Good luck and happy reading!
46 Responses
Driving. Fighting about McDonald’s or burger King. I got pissed and threw a $20 bill at him. Which promptly flew out his open window. I am a dumbass.
Oops. More than 20 words lol.
It’s okay, you had up to 30 🙂
I said something snippy to him and he asked if it was my time of the month…. And that’s when the fight started.
Pregnancy hormones to blame. He cooked the hamburger wrong. I kicked him out, then made the taco salad and ate while crying. Luckily, he still loves me! Whew!
One time in NYC, hubs and I got into a fight over where our hotel was and I pulled over on a street in Brooklyn in the snow and told him that we might as well get out and lay down on the sidewalk and DIE BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT, WE WOULD NEVER FIND OUR HOTEL.
My exwife asked if I had taken out the trash…I said not yet and she proceeded to pick up and throw the trashcan over my head and said “I moved it closer to the fucking door for you..”
*probably more than 30 words but funny in hindsight 🙂
***Btw Foxy you are very photogenic and take a sexy pose on the cover of that book! 😉
him: don’t put the dishes with food on them in the sink with the disposal- I can’t rinse the food off my dishes down the disposal. me: if I don’t put them on the side with the disposal how can I rinse the food down the disposal? wash, rinse, repeat (year 5).
Standards of cleaning. I watched my husband dry a spoon with his armpit. All hell broke loose.
I do not wake up to an alarm. But, all he has to do is touch me and I wake up. He “accidentally” touched/mashed/karate chopped my full bladder. The End! of him 🙂 !
Asked my husband to buy a particular brand of mayo and was very specific before he left. It happens to more expensive than the others. He came home with a completely different brand that was cheaper and said the old woman in the aisle with him told him it was just as good…He went back to the store to buy the right one.
Short on money, he could buy baby food or beer. Guess which he chooses. Grrrrr….He makes an excellent ex-husband though. 🙂
When I was pregnant with our first child, husband laughed at my pregnancy gas. He didn’t realize I wasn’t laughing along with him until I cried so hard I threw up.
Ha!!!
Not so much a dumb argument as it is a continuing source of annoyance/laughter —
Me: Why don’t you EVER put the butter * back in the fridge?
Him: I ALWAYS put the butter back!
Me: it’s sitting out right this minute!
Him: Well I forgot this time, but I USUALLY put it back.
Me: I put the butter away every single morning!
Him: I always MEAN to put it back, but sometimes I forget.
Me: You NEVER put anything back
Him: That’s character assassination
* You can substitute the complaint of your choice here – ‘throw the junk mail away’ ‘leave your shoes in the middle of the hall where I will fall over them’ ‘put dirty dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher’ are all favorites at my house.
So I’m about 7 months pregnant with our first child, and we are deciding what to name him. We agreed to go through the baby name book and pick our favorites, noting my choices with a star and his with a circle. I went first, starring all of my favorite names. Then hubby went through the book and chose his. Evidently he realized quickly that I had a LOT more names than he did, so he added in some additional choices to balance things out. Then we each made a list of the names we had chosen, exchanged our list, and began eliminating unacceptable choices. Imagine my dismay to find that I was having to remove Abdul, Cedric, Beauregard, Mohammed, Thurston and Damian in exchange for nice boy names Joshua, Justin, Tyler, etc. He thought it was hysterical. I am still mad about it. FYI, our son RYAN is almost twenty and has his father’s sense of humor. I feel for his future bride…
I left him a lovely dinner when I had an evening meeting, but he told me he wasn’t hungry, so he saved the dinner for lunch. but he ordered Outback instead I found the Outback bag in the trashcan. busted.
I’d tell you about the “Horrific Mailbox Incident of 2001” but he doesn’t wish me to ever speak of it. So don’t tell him I told you that he got me a mailbox for Christmas. Shhhhh.
The title of your piece alone cracks me the hell up. Great piece! So glad to be between the covers with you lady! Uh…that didn’t come out right….I meant front and back cover…of the book…
New dress was hung in a bag on the back door for the cleaners. Weeks later, it wasn’t back. He said, “It was on the back door? where I put trash?”
The fiance and I argued about the paper that is on top of the butter, I told him to take it off he didn’t listen, in the end turned out we both hated it being left on.
shortly after we were married (her first marriage, not mine) she asked my opinion on something. i told her my opinion didnt matter…big mistake. we laugh about it now.
We fought Sunday over me leaving the butter out. He got so mad, he left yelling “I may or may not be back!” Three hours later…he’s back, acting normal.
So excited for you! There are a great group of writers in that book so I’m sure it will be hi-larious.
In the meantime, if my husband even took a bite out of my sandwich, we would have a problem. No kidding. I know you know, because you and I are soul sisters.
My boyfriend and I had just gotten back together and he bought me a very expensive stereo that cost over $400 (or some ungodly amount that I didn’t have and would never have spent on myself if I had it). This was before ipods and MP3 players. We had a fight over something stupid, probably him not calling me for a day, and I returned the stereo and gave him his money back. So stupid. I still wish I had that nice stereo.
Toilet paper fairy… Huge fight about him continuously not refilling the toilet paper roll; screaming, I told him there was no Magic f*cking toilet paper fairy that refills it every night. He apologized by buying me a small porcelain fairy…… What an asshole
One night after a party hubs and I got into a fight as he wanted sex and I didn’t. He went into his usual rant about “deadly sperm build up” and how he was at critical levels (it had been 7 days). Unbeknownst to me he “ran away from home”. I’d gone to bed and he left, in his dress shoes and “going out attire” with a rum and coke in hand. He didn’t make it too far and ended up sleeping under a pine tree. Woke up next morning frozen and covered in pine needles needing a chiropractor adjustment. He came in to me and our daughters laughing and playing on our king size bed and was pissed that I had no idea he was even gone.
Foxy, you are SO FUNNY! Too cool to be hanging out in this book with you! Congrats!
CONGRATS on the book! Can’t wait to snag my copy! My spat in 30 words or less: I talk, he falls asleep, I lose my shit thereby waking him, wash, rinse, repeat.
Seriously, am I THAT boring?!
My boyfriend is weird about sheets, as well as pillow positioning, and he is convinced I drag “sand” into the bed. Now I do it on purpose.
Whether or not the silverware should point up or down in the dishwasher.
husband buys 2 tix instead of 3 for idlewild. Y only 2? “I don’t kno”. Ok it’s cheaper to buy in advance. Did u wanna give them more money? “No” did u forget we were taking our child? “No”. Then y buy 2? “I’m not sure” don’t u save $15 by buying in advance? “Yes” we’re u feeling generous?? Smh
I have been married since 1997, getting married at 21, no I wasn’t pregnant. We didn’t have kids till I was 30. Our hilarious fight was actually about our 2nd pregnancy! I was SURE I had the flu and he “knew” I was pregnant! We fought about it for 5 days before I finally broke down and peed on the stick! It was awesome—-see I told you I have the flu it says not pregnant—as I danced around only to see him holding the instructions. Wha wha!! #2 was born 8 months later!
My husband let the car run out of gas in my first Mother’s Day. He blamed me, because it’s my car. I blame him because, dude, your driving the vehicle!!! Check the gauges!
I can’t remember what we were fighting over, probably something stupid. But my husband was SO mad he was screaming at the top of his lungs. As he went to make his dramatic exit to prove just how mad he was, he stomped up the stairs and faceplanted. Hard. TWICE! Unintentionally. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I went upstairs to find him face first laughing his butt of into a pillow.
I don’t remember the fight, but I threw a watermelon at him and then left for the beach for a week. He even cleaned it up while I was gone!
I was feeling silly while making hubs lunch. I decided to replace the creme from the inside of the oreo with toothpaste..not realizing it wasn’t toothpaste rather diaper creme. Needless to say one hell of fight ensued!
He ticked me off over buying the wrong Easter candy. I picked up the giant 3 lb Reese peanut butter egg I had bought for him and threw it..it him right in the temple and actually knocked him out cold! I felt awful and he wasn’t too pleased. We argue most Easters now
Hubby flipped out when he thought I’d left a used tissue on his side of the bed. So disgusting! Had to remind him that it was his post-coitus tissue that he’d used to clean up his uh, man-seed. It was soo satisfying to be right…
A huge argument over my fiancées insistence that when our dog farts, it means she has to poop! I was like, do You poop every time you fart? The argument still happens because his obsession with our Boxer’s bowel habits is rooted deeply and has no limits! PS. He is still mad at me because I refuse to let the dog be a part of our wedding in 2 weeks! Weddings and dog poop don’t mix in my world!
Pregnancy hormones at fault. Husband cooked hamburger “wrong.” I kicked him out (really!), then finished making taco salad and ate. All forgiven. Salad was awesome! Still giggle when cooking hamburger…
And I typo’d my own name. It’s Kadie. Oops.
WhIle camping, we were all eating vegetables that I had lovingly cut by hand, while carving jack-o-lanterns with the kids. My husband grabbed a handful, shoved it all in his mouth and turned around, inadvertantly knocking over the huge tupperware full of vegetables. I quietly knelt down to pick clean up the now filty, dirt-covered inedible cucumbers, carrots and peppers. My friend saw me, gasped at the mess and asked if one of her kids had spilled them. Little did I know that replying “no, the kids didn’t spill them, Larry did it by accident” would start World War III. He started yelling, “I spilled the vegetables?!”, over and over and over, all while trying to finish chewing his mouthful of crudite. “I spilled the vegetables?”, is apparently a hypothetical question, kind of like, “I shot the clerk?”, in the movie My Cousin Vinny, to which an answer is not needed or wanted Fun times.
I NEVER EVER get a card for my birthday or mothers day! I actually never get anything for either one. ALL I WANT IS A DAMN CARD WITH MY KIDS SCRIBBLES IN IT! I don’t want a present, just a simple card. Hubby knows this but has failed for the past 4 years.
Just yesterday about tiny houses. I thought a tiny house could be 700 sq ft. He said it couldn’t. I want a tiny house. He can’t live in a tiny house (he’s thinking 300 sq ft). I want a work shed he said that defeats the purpose of a tiny house. I ended the convo with: Can you just quit crushing my dreams? We aren’t even really any time soon going to be in the market to move from our already small house to a tiny house. Why are we arguing about a damn tiny house?! Lol.
About Twenty five years ago, I hung the toilet paper wrong! Huge argument… He banned me from ever hanging the toilet paper again. I have not once replaced toilet paper in any house we have lived in since.
Until that time I did not realize what a touchy subject toilet paper hanging was/is with people. (At least I hung it up