I readily admit to hating all of the artificially-flavored pumpkin crap that assaults my senses before, during, and after Thanksgiving. I also roll my eyes at some of the “I’m thankful for…” posts on Facebook (not yours, of course). But, honestly, I love the Thanksgiving holiday itself. LOVE. IT. It is—by far—my favorite holiday. I get to sit around with people that I adore (and some other people too), eat delicious food, and drink too much wine. (And then drink some more wine.) All of this while being thankful for loved ones, food, and wine. I mean, really, what’s not to love about this holiday?
Unfortunately, most retailers across America would like to bypass the Thanksgiving holiday altogether and go straight to Christmas. As if Black Friday wasn’t bad enough (what happened to a day of rest after being so gluttonous drunk gassy thankful?), far, FAR too many stores are now opening on Thanksgiving itself. Really?! Can’t we all agree to not shop for just one day so everyone can take a day, or at least a moment, off to be thankful? Joining the retailers, my kids hate the Thanksgiving holiday as well. I suspect it’s because they’re picky-as-shit eaters, and they don’t get any presents like the “good” holidays.
Well, fuck ‘em. Fuck ’em all. I’m taking back Thanksgiving. I’m taking it by the balls, and we’re going to celebrate it ferociously. In order to do this, I have come up with a three-part strategy. It includes:
- Fabulous Thanksgiving Decorations
- A Special Thanksgiving Menu
- Beautiful Thanksgiving Carols
The Decorations
I find Thanksgiving decorations so incredibly ugly. (That really means that I couldn’t find any because Target doesn’t sell them anymore.) My favorite decorations are the cute art projects my kids have made in school over the years. So I plaster those all over my kitchen. Here’s one of my favorites from my daughter:
I also have some special decorations that I’ve made myself, and I’d like to share them with you for inspiration. Since cranberries are so special for the holiday, I keep this beauty out all month long.
I mean, how much better can this get? I’ve put the kids’ art projects to good use, and this particular art installation is interactive. INTERACTIVE, folks!
Next, we celebrate the turkey—the delicious, delicious turkey.
Unfortunately, I have to take down that particular decoration when I actually start cooking, but then I just wear the turkey on my head. BAM! A mobile art installation. I’m an artistic genius!
The Menu
Speaking of turkey, that brings me to my special Thanksgiving menu. Food is, after all, one of the focal points of this holiday. How do I make Thanksgiving dinner even better? Include the magical pig, of course. I pride myself that every single dish I make—every one of them—includes a pork product. Here’s a list of what I’ll be serving. I’ve even included links to the recipes (where applicable):
- Roasted Turkey with Bacon-Cider Gravy (Bonus: Once you complete the bacon-roasting-over-the-top-of-the-bird part of the recipe, you have Bacon Appetizers!)
- Ciabatta Stuffing with Chestnuts, Mushrooms and Pancetta (I use pecans instead of chestnuts, even though the word “chest – nut” makes me giggle. Every. Time.)
- Baked Mashed Potatoes with Pancetta, Parmesan Cheese, and Breadcrumbs (The beauty of this dish is that I don’t have to mash and whip potatoes when
I’m too drunk to do it without getting potatoes all over the walls and cabinetsit’s time to carve the turkey.) - Green Beans with Bacon Vinaigrette (Ain’t no reason for the veggies to miss out on the pork paradise.)
- Caesar Salad with Pancetta Flakes (or any meat sprinkle, really)
I don’t actually eat dessert (I drink it, natch), but I offer a bacon-bourbon caramel sauce to slather over the desserts I serve. I use a very simple recipe and put in meat sprinkles at the end. It’s versatile and delicious.
The Songs
Finally, I used my extraordinarily bad poetry skills to create some very special Thanksgiving carols to enjoy throughout the entire Thanksgiving season. I even got Mr. Foxy and the kids to sing them in a special Thanksgiving medley. (Okay, I totally had to pay the kids to do this so I’m out $20 bucks.)
Have a listen. (Lyrics are at the end of the article.)
However you decorate (or don’t), whatever you cook (or eat), whatever you sing (or listen to), do join me in taking the time to actually celebrate Thanksgiving. Pause for a moment and be thankful for all of your blessings—whatever they are. I know I am.
Joy to the World Joy to the World! The turkey's done! Let all the eaters eat! Let every mouth receive it’s food. And tummies and tastebuds sing. And tummies and tastebuds sing. And tummies and tummies and tastebuds sing.
Eat All Night Well the weather outside is frightful, But the stuffing’s so delightful. Even though our pants will be tight, Eat all night, eat all night, eat all night!
Oh Turkey Leg Oh turkey leg, oh turkey leg, You have a built-in handle. Oh turkey leg, oh turkey leg, You have a built-in handle. Your meat is dark and juicy. Your skin so light and crispy. Oh turkey leg, oh turkey leg, You have a built-in handle.
Dinner Bells Dinner bells, turkey smells, Stuffing looks so great. I drank too much while cooking So dinner will be late! Dinner bells, turkey smells, Stuffing looks so great. I drank too much while cooking So dinner will be late!
Oh Pumpkin Pie Oh pumpkin pie Your taste is so delightful. It is the best of Thanksgiving time. Long last the whipping cream and caramel topping. I need some more to cover all the pie. The thrill of dessert all my peeps rejoicing, When pie is gone then we are so sad.
Bonus Track Mashed Potatoes Mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes, Mashed potatoes on my plate. Topped with butter and with gravy, I just love you; you’re so great.
34 Responses
I can’t tell you how thankful you are as big of a dork as I am!! I totally loved the songs and can’t believe you only had to pay $20. You got off easy. But I must say I hollered out loud with your cranberry and vodka decorations. I might have to do that on the table this year. Friggin’ hilarious!!!!
We need a party–complete with cranberry and vodka decorations–to celebrate our dorkiness. BTW, did you hear Colin “singing” in the songs? Do you still want him to marry your youngest?
I love this!!!
I am also not a fan of ‘pumpkin spice everything’ GAH.
I love Thanksgiving in theory…but I always just end up really tired. There will be 22 people here this year. I’m a masochist.
Thanks! And 22 is a lot of people. I hope you’ve got plenty of wine. And vodka. Wishing you the best!
I LOVE the poem your daughter wrote. I think you all should recite it every Thanksgiving before the meal. Also heart the interactive art installation. And where can I get that turkey in the pot? That.Is.Awesome. I’m pinning all this shit.
I love the turkey leg handle bit, but how come I didn’t hear you singing on your CD? Or maybe you sound like a kid? And is your husband a DJ or TV personality?
Thank you! And thank you! I got the turkey hat at Target–you know, when they used to sell Thanksgiving decorations. Since I can’t wear it everyday (not because I care about my appearance; it just gets too hot), I put it in my red pot. BAM!
I’m singing, but Dan turned my track WAY down low. He wanted to make sure people would still listen. And you just made his year–he’s not a DJ or TV personality, but he is a musician. And a bit of a cheese-ball.
I LOVE Thanksgiving and everything that goes along with it…although, on the actual day, I’m usually too tired to enjoy it.
I decorated for Thanksgiving once, brown and yellow and orange streamers everywhere. There was a torn corner of a streamer that stayed attached to my wall for well over a year. In case you were wondering about my house cleaning skills.
I’ve got a pretty good system so I don’t get tired on the actual day. But I had a piece of blue painter’s tape on my ceiling for close to two years.
Can you add this one to your celebration? Tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. We finished ours a month ago and I wish we had had these songs then.
(As soon as I figure out how, I will pin your decorations. Are you sure you are not Martha Stewart?).
Hark the turkey is a cooking
Come and drink the kitchen wine
Put the stuffing in a pot now
Cook it ’till it’s most Devine
Bring the cranberry and the vodka
Bring the wine and the port too
Think of all that makes you thankful
Join us, we will wait for you
Give us back out joyous holiday
Give us back our day of rest
Stop the shopping madness really
It can wait ’till we digest
Open up those pants for room now
Turn the lights down low for me
I drank just a little much so
Gravy up that dry turkey
I’m gonna see if Mr. Foxy has time to record this song for you. It’s pretty awesome.
LOVE that your serving platter is a pig, because I always make a hog of myself on Thanksgiving. You holiday decorations are wonderful. A decorated vodka bottle is GENIUS!! Now, I can keep mine on the counter all year and just change out the kids art work. Thanks for the idea!! Finally, pork in every dish …so glad that I have begun to follow a blogger. You speak my language.
*** I am not a Halloween “fan”, so our decorations are fall themed. Lots of pumpkins, owls and leaves at our house.
Too much food, vodka, and pork — I wish more people spoke our language. 😉 xoxo
I thought Thanksgiving always included pork … are you suggesting there are people out there that don’t use it in every recipe?? I’m almost positive (ok I was 5) there was a pork chop in the thanksgiving play. I myself was a blonde haired Indian but that is a whole other story….
I’m downright shocked that more people don’t use pork in everything they cook. And I thinking I’m dressing up as a pork chop next year…
I’m with you, baby! I’ve long tried to convince my friends and family that the Thanksgiving decoration market is an untapped gold mine! Let’s hire some graphic designers, create some killer decorations, and make MILLIONS — MILLIONS, I TELL YA!
Seriously — Christmas and Hannukah are split between the religions; Halloween is mostly celebrated by families with kids — but EVERYONE celebrates Thanksgiving! (Well, Americans, anyway) If you’re in, just send me $50K seed money and I’ll get our Thanksgiving decor business up and running!!
HAHAHAHA!! And “seed” money made me snicker too.
This is the perfect post about the perfect holiday. The Fox Family and the Bitter Family are on the same page with Thanksgiving. I hope that you and yours have a wonderful month preparing for the best holiday of the year. After Turn-The-Clocks-Back Day, I mean.
Thank you! And Cheers to the Bitter Family! xoxo
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T EAT DESSERT?!
I know, right? It’s my anosmia. It made it so desserts just aren’t all that appealing anymore. Unless is a molten chocolate cake with salted caramel.
The Thanksgiving song I teach my first graders go like this…
(to the tune of Did You Ever See a Lassie)
Gobble, gobble, gobble…fat turkey fat turkey
Gobble, gobble, gobble…fat turkey am I.
I’m not here for living, I’m here for Thanksgiving.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, fat turkey am I.
LOL! I think my daughter would refuse to sing that song.
I am SO doing those cranberry vodka decorations. Loved the songs! Okay, villagers, get your torches – we’re taking back Thanksgiving! We start with the big box stores and work our way to the Christmas aisle at Target.
YES! I’ll meet you in the parking lot with torches and vodka. I’m sure no police will be called.
My thing is I plan for Christmas starting in August (like, what to get for gifts, etc) so Thanksgiving is my day of not having to do anything about Christmas and getting to drink a bunch of wine break before Christmas starts in full force (when I drink a bunch more wine because I’m all festive ‘n’ shit).
I did find myself wondering what a Pumpkin-Bacon Pie would taste like–just adding crumbled bacon to my usual pumpkin pie recipe (can of pumpkin + sweetened condensed milk + 2 eggs + pumpkin pie spice poured into a frozen crust and baked for 15 mins at 425, then 40 mins at 350). I bet it would be pretty tasty with some cooked bacon in it.
Well, bacon DOES make everything better. I’ll forgive you for the Christmas craziness–because of the wine.
“Killing is what hunters do.”
I love children.
Nice, right?! And me too.
Love the songs and love the decor!!! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday too, but I should admit that I do start listening to Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. I hope you still like me! Lol!
It’s okay. I still love you. Just tell me you listened to my Thanksgiving carols…
“You have a built-in handle.” Love this line. And the menu sounds delicious. Thanksgiving’s my least favorite holiday but maybe that’s because I was neglecting bacon. Thanks for pointing the way!
That line was all Mr. Foxy. He’s pretty clever–I think I’ll keep him around. And, yes, bacon makes everything magical and delicious.
As a maker of songs for the bus, this post warms the cockles of my black heart.
And bacon!!
I love the carols! Especially the one with the built-in handle. Passover songs, like “There’s no seder like our seder, like no seder I know” have caught on. I’m going to try to make yours go viral, too. Oh turkey leg, oh turkey leg …