Who Will Hold My Nuts Now? The Song (And a Contest!)

The Foxy Pockets latest single, "Who Will Hold My Nuts Now?" #PowerBallad #HorribleParody #WhatDidIJustListenTo

What do you do for downtime after the kids go to bed? Read a book? Pass out in front of the Watch television? Check out Facebook? Have a glass of wine? Or a martini? Those are all great ways to unwind. However, that’s not what we do at all. Well, we still drink wine and martinis, but we do other things.

In my house, we write ridiculous songs. Completely fabulous and ridiculous songs. See, my husband is a musician, and I am a writer so we like to put those two great tastes together and create one delicious piece of ear candy. Okay, it’s possible that the songs only amuse us, but we have so much fun doing it. (Hehe, not that kind of “it.” Although we do have fun with that too.)

But that’s what we’ve been doing this week. Writing music. Remember my missing nut bowl? My heartbreak over the loss of that bowl inspired me to write some lyrics for a song. (Of course it did.)

So I asked my husband to turn it into a song. He absolutely loves this kind of challenge. After all, he made me a gay country song, Thanksgiving carols, and a punk rock song before. He loves this shit.

He asked me what kind of song I wanted for my missing nut bowl. I didn’t have to think long about that. Do you remember that feeling of loss and longing in your teenage years? Or your 80s self that was pining for the man (boy) who walked away? That’s what I was going for with this song. So I asked for an 80S POWER BALLAD for my nut bowl.

Truly, the only way I could truly express how sad I am about my missing nut bowl is through an 80s power ballad. I had to have one.

Fortunately for me, my husband Dan plays along with me (seriously, I am so lucky). We finalized the lyrics together, and then he asked for a reference song to provide inspiration. Again, it didn’t take me long to think of that one either.

First, here are the lyrics:

Who Will Hold My Nuts Now?

You were a thing of beauty.
You held my nuts so well.
Salty, sweet, or spicy.
I fell under your nutty spell.

Chorus:
You left me here without you.
I’m not sure why or how.
I wonder if you think about me.
Who will hold my nuts now?

I miss you, my dear nut bowl.
I can’t believe you’re gone.
Parties aren’t the same without you.
My cashews look all wrong.

Chorus

It was a hell of a party
But I’d throw it all away
For one more day with you.
If someone hurt you, they will pay.

I’ve tried in vain to replace you.
But no other bowl will do.
My chips they have their chip bowl.
But my almonds feel so blue.

Chorus

I know. Nothing short of amazing.

And here’s the actual song he created from those lyrics. Listen to it. Because I’m having a contest. Try to figure out exactly which 80s power ballad was the inspiration for this one (it’s not that hard…it’s a pretty blatant rip-off parody). Leave it in the comments here on the blog. I will put all of folks who answer correctly into a hat and then draw a winner.* And I will send that winner a Starbucks gift card. Because who doesn’t need more coffee after staying up way too late “unwinding” after the kids have gone to bed?

P.S. I totally threw my bra at my husband when we played the final version of the song. Don’t worry—the kids were asleep.

* Winner will be selected September 1 at noon PDT. Must be a U.S. resident. Winner will have 24 hours to claim prize by replying to email and providing mailing address.

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54 Responses

  1. I’m going with “Every Rose Has A Thorn” by Poison.
    That’s my final answer.
    And I will not be using my Phone A Friend option.
    Well, maybe if I win the card I’ll call someone. We’ll see.

  2. Well…I know what my ear worm is going to be today. I just hope I don’t start singing it out loud at work. And I know I SHOULD know who it is…it has a guns n roses feel to me.

    1. I’ve been singing it for over a week now. Fortunately, I love the song. Funny enough, I kept calling it the Guns N Roses song, even though it was Poison.

  3. What an awesome song! It sounds sooooo familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it yet. My favorite part is the guitar solo. My husband and I sing all the time, but obviously not in such a polished fashion–more like just sung conversations to each other. It drives the kids insane, so it’s a great thing to threaten them with in public or around their friends.

    I just have to say that I am very sorry that I was so cavalier about your beloved nut bowl when I commented on your original post. I had no idea how badly you were hurting…I get it now. Props to you and your husband for really getting that pain across.

  4. I am groveling in awe. That is all.

    Well maybe not all. Your husband is a musician? That is so bj worthy. Not that I am trying to wreck your campaign for a bj free world but seriously? A musician? Dang Foxy, you win life.

    1. I completely agree that it was the best power ballad ever! I alternate between singing it and this song. Both instant classics.

  5. I woke up feeling blue & your song put a smile on my face! I especially loved the harmony in the chorus. You guys should release an album!

    As for guessing – my mind us not cooperating. I Googled the song I thought it was and realized it was from THIS decade. Apparently I did too many drugs in the 80’s to remember.

    1. My husband would LOVE to release an album. He just needs me to keep writing lyrics. I need more inspiration like missing nut bowls. I’m so glad we put a smile on your face. xoxo

    1. Thank you. That was indeed the song. I’m sorry you didn’t win this contest, but there will be more. Oh, yes, there will be more.

  6. Got my lighter out and holding it high! Loved it and cant wait for the exclusive Youtube video – big hair, tight pants, and plenty of nuts!

    1. A lighter swaying in the night really is the only way to honor this song. Thank you for pointing that out. A music video… Hmmm…

  7. “Ev-ree rose has it’s THOWN, yeah it does…” This was awesome. You guys ROCK.

  8. Every Rose Has Its Thorn!! This is ah-mazing!! You are one lucky lady to have a man like that around!

    1. That was the song, and I am indeed a lucky lady. I know that very well. I’m sorry you didn’t win the contest, but I promise there will be more. Thank you for listening!

  9. I will succumb to the peer pressure and agree with “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” by Poison.

    Although my “teenager in the 80’s pot-addled brain” kept searching for it to be something more obscure. I’m still not totally convinced, but I’ll keep it as my final answer.

    Now I’m gonna have to make an 80’s Power Ballad playlist to post on the blog.

    Also, will you guys write a power ballad about how my Valium has left me and I wish it would come home?

    1. That was indeed the song. I’m sorry you didn’t win this time, but there’s always the next time, right? Valium does seem like it needs a song…

    1. Thank you! And that was the one. I’m sorry you didn’t win this one, but there will be more. Oh yes, there will be more.

    1. Ding, ding, DING! And you were the winner! Thank you for playing along with me! (And I’m glad it made you snort.) xoxo

    1. Yes, you got it. And I thank you for playing along. Come back–because I’ll give away more shit. And, yes, I’m super lucky to be married to a man who will make 80s power ballads for me. 🙂

  10. I first pictured that ‘guy’ from a crappy reality TV dating show. And I may have cheated by asking my musician husband, I however did not offer any bra throwing or ‘gag’ BJ – defiantly Every Rose Has it’s Thorn by Bret Michaels, I mean Poison, of course.

    BUT – the classic question remains – Who WILL hold your nuts now?

    1. Katie, you bring up a really good point. WHO WILL HOLD my nuts now. I’m going with the inferior bowls my freighbors gave me. But I will always shed a tear serving nuts.

  11. OMG, It brought back memories of my first nut bowl and how good it felt to have my nuts held. Oh….oh so right.
    Thank you for the inspiring song!
    I would also need to go with “every rose has it’s thorn” by Poison. Kind of ironic…when you realize…it pertains to nuts.
    Rock out with your nuts out!
    -M

    1. Oh, Mateo. You can hold my husband’s bass, okay? Will that make you feel better? xoxo Can’t wait to see your guys’ next show. xoxo

  12. Totally Every Rose has a Thorn! When I read the lyrics I was hoping for a Dam Yankees High Enough feel but this is amazing!

  13. And because of this post and me not being able to get the damn song out of my head for two friggin’ days, you have been blamed for the Opticynicism Song of the Day for today in my sidebar.

    And by “blamed”, I mean “blamed”.

    Still loveyoumeanit.

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