Nature versus Nurture is hot debate that scholars and scientists have had for hundreds of years. They like to make it super complicated, but it basically boils down to this: What has more influence on someone’s traits and behavior—one’s innate qualities or one’s personal experiences? One’s heredity or one’s environment?
Now, I’m far too lazy to do any sort of research, but I am very interested in this discussion when it comes to parenting children. (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a parent of children.) I’ve got some really important questions to answer, such as:
- How much is my parenting going to
fuck upinfluence my kids? - Can I just write them off and say, “They were born that way?”
- What undesirable traits can I blame on my husband?
I love to sit around and think about these BIG ideas (especially when I can’t sleep because the lesser half of the genetic contribution is snoring). My children have the same two parents, and they have had relatively the same upbringing. Sure, we change our approach to suit each child’s unique needs, but for the most part—their nature and their nurture are pretty much the same. So shouldn’t they behave similarly?*
Nope. No fucking way. My two children are a study in contrasts. They are quite the opposites. Nature beat down nurture in a dramatic sibling smack down.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at how my children reacted in six different scenarios.
Scenario #1
I was leaving for an overnight trip to San Francisco. As I was saying my good-byes, I told the kids that I would miss them and would see them the next day. Their reactions:
- My Daughter: “Have a wonderful time, Mom! I’ll miss you too.”
- My Son: “But Ziggy the Dog will still be home, right?”
(It’s good to know THE DOG is an acceptable replacement for me.)
Scenario #2
Several months ago, I backed my car into another car while trying to maneuver on a narrow street. I was very angry at myself, and there may have been some tears and cursing involved. Their reactions:
- My Daughter: She wrote a beautiful card telling me that we’re all just trying our hardest, and sometimes even the best of us make mistakes. And that she loves me.
- My Son: The next day while backing the car out into the street. “Try not to hit a car today, okay Mom?”
(Thanks for the advice, Son.)
Scenario #3
As I picked up the kids one Friday afternoon, I suggested we celebrate the end of the school week with ice cream sundaes.
- My Daughter (hugging me): “YES! That’s a great idea, mom. You’re the best!”
- My Son (looking at me dubiously): “I’ll eat the ice cream, but I’m not celebrating anything related to school.”
(Okay, I’m totally with my son on this one.)
Scenario #4
We were at the zoo eating ice cream. I wanted to document my parental achievement the memory so I asked them to pose for a picture.
- My Daughter: Leaned in close to her brother and smiled nicely for the camera.
- My Son: Leaned away from his sister and gave me the dirtiest look imaginable.
(Yeah, I’m with him here too.)
Scenario #5
Nowadays kids don’t make individual valentines for their classmates. They make 25 generic ones and sign them with their name. How did my kids handle this?
- My Daughter: She addressed all of the valentines to “My Friend.”
- My Son: He addressed them to “Classmate.”
(Guess which one I would have signed.)
As you can clearly see, my daughter and my son are very, VERY different. One is ruled more by her heart and emotions, and one is rule more by his head and reason.
Let’s look at one last example:
Scenario #6
While eating a tri-colored popsicle the other day, my daughter had a Mary Apparition. That is, she saw the Virgin Mary in her popsicle. Take a look:
I smiled and told her that it did indeed look like Mary.
And then, because I knew it would be fun(ny), I asked my son what he saw. I thought for sure that he would reply, “a partially-eaten popsicle.” BUT HE DIDN’T. What did he see?
“A stick with Benjamin Franklin hair and a blue coat.”
Yes, that. That’s EXACTLY it.
SOOOOO, nature won over nurture. No doubt about that. My kids are so very different. But they are who they are, and they’re both fantastic kids. They make me crazy happy.
*Okay, yes. I know I’m oversimplifying here. But when I drank some wine, this sounded really good in my head.
32 Responses
I was so completely unprepared for how different children from the same pairs of loins could be (am I allowed to use loins–or is it in the category of moist, to be avoided?). My oldest daughter is quiet and reads a lot, my son loves to run around and yell and make grand pronouncements that he often yells at me. The second daughter is the most polite and empathetic and she’s only two! Guess God does that to keep us on our toes.
Love the Catholic school inspired Virgin Mary popsicle. Doesn’t that get her 50 extra credit points at parochial school or CCD, as the case may be?
Moist is worse than loins, but loins is still a bit icky. What about groin, though? I’m not sure on that one.
Groin is a good substitute. Groin fruit has a very particular meaning, though. The groin fruit produces the fruit of my groin (which sounds like a really cheap off-brand underwear).
As a rule, I generally avoid moist, loins, and groin. Mostly because they make me snicker inappropriately.
And, yes, my daughter is a much better person than I am. 😉
Same stuff, different house. This week alone… I asked “how did you like that experience?” Daughter: ‘mum, I liked that. I enjoy all new experiences when we are together’, Son: ‘That was boring. I am never going back!’. Nature for sure.
But my favourite line was “lesser half of the genetic contribution”. Gold!
Re: Lesser half of genetic contribution. My wife claims children are 60% mother, 40% father because moms get to charge rent for the pregnancy. Spot on!
I absolutely love this and never thought about it that way, but I LOVE IT!
I heart Colin! When my plan for World Domination goes into effect, I want Colin to serve in my regime!
He will serve you well, Mike.
Personally, I think it’s genius to try to figure out what you can blame on the other parent..it might help me sleep a little better at night if I do that.
Your kids are hysterical!
my kids are totally different too! one is like me and one is like me when i’m drunk
That is freaking hilarious! And true around here too!
oh my gosh I usually turn to “funny photos” for my early morning laugh…but NO MORE…all of you mom and dads are HILARIOUS~!!
I love the Mary apparition. Or Ben? Both saintly….
I teach Psychology, so permit me to share a few gems: 1) siblings are no more likely to share similar temperaments than any two random people from the population at large. 2) temperament (our characteristic reactivity that is generally stable across situations) is highly heritable. The other highly heritable trait is intelligence. 3) parents DO have a big influence over religious and political views, etc. 4) the brain is plastic… the general view in psychology today is nature via nurture, not versus…. nurture shapes what nature endows.
End nerd comment 🙂 I think your son and I would get along…
That is TOTALLY a Virgin Mary popsicle. Colin doesn’t even know what’s up.
It’s totally Nature. My kids are all so weird. I mean different. My kids are all so different.
This is hilarious. And totally counts as legitimate research. 😉
Mine are total opposites too. I’ve often wondered how they can even be related!!
Wine always helps with the writing process. Just remember the red words are spell check. I’ve learned that the hard way. I love how different boys and girls are. I have 2 girls and they are Yin and Yang too. I’m sure you can blame your husband for the boy sh*t.
As my 4 kids are getting older and growing into their personalities I’m seeing such huge differences that I can’t believe somedays that they’re related. Even my identical twin girls are vastly different while being the exact same DNA.
My best friend’s children could be another two to study. The older daughter is the devil wild child and the younger boy is the rational conservative one. They both say the greatest things to her though. Like, “mom what are you wearing, your legs look like potatoes.”
No offense, but I would probably ask about the dog too.
Mt two sons, now 31 and 35, are so different it’s unbelievable, but they have learned to appreciate each other, finally. I go for 90% genetic.
Do we have the same son???
I have long believed that nature was a clear winner over nurture. If not, I would be in a home for the disturbed somewhere. 🙂
When we found out our second kid was going to be a boy, I was pretty happy. No “girl drama” and I already knew how to be a mom to a boy…until we realized exactly what you are talking about here. At 6 and 9, I couldn’t have two children who are more opposite. My oldest is sensitive and kind. My youngest is sarcastic and a smartass. It certainly makes things interesting around here.
I love this and I love your kids!!!! Is it horrible that as sweet and adorable as your daughter is, it’s your son that cracks me up!! My youngest has the smart ass gene and it’s horrible how much I enjoy it!! Lol!
ALL OF THEM. <—-answer to "How many undesirable traits can I blame on my husband?"
You're welcome.
My four kids all have the same snarky sense of humor – but that is ALL they have in common. One of them doesn’t even like chocolate or highly caffeinated cola products! What the hell is up with ?
As Mary is my witness – I think we have the same kids.
My kids are really different too. One loving, one not so much. One goofy, one serious. At least they are both intelligent, good kids!
Agreed! I have three girls and they are so different despite their same upbringing. My oldest is a tomboy treehuggger; the middle is a crazy, silly ball of energy; my youngest is the quintessential girly girl – all pink, princesses, etc. It truly is amazing how different they are!
Bwahahahhahahhahaaa!
My girls are very different, too. 2.5 years apart, totally different personalities – but they’re total buds. So far. 😉
This is one of my favorite lines ever written: the lesser half of the genetic contribution is snoring – LOL!!!!!