Last week, my Grandma gave me some delicious beans she had cooked up (she makes the best beans in the world, I kid you not). I placed them lovingly in an insulated bag and carefully positioned them in my car so they wouldn’t spill or be otherwise disturbed on my way home.
And then I found them yesterday. Still in the car, obviously ruined and fouling up my vehicle. This will forever be known as the Tragic Bean Incident of 2014.
I learned a valuable lesson the hard way. And it got me thinking about all of the other life lessons that my Grandma has taught me. ‘Cuz she is one amazing woman. Everyone should benefit from her wisdom, so I compiled a short (incomplete) list of life lessons that my Grandma has taught me and how she taught them to me.
- Be honest and direct. The first time I brought my husband (then boyfriend) home for a holiday meal, she not-so-quietly leaned over to my aunt and said, “I like him much better than the last one.” (Me too, Grandma. Me too.)
- It’s okay to break the “rules.” While shopping recently, she asked me to pull 7 stalks of asparagus out of the bundle. I told her that I thought you were supposed to buy the whole bundle because, rubber band. She replied that it’s sold by weight—so she could have her seven stalks. And so, she and I started an Asparagus Revolution right there in the grocery store. I’m working on our rebellion theme song.
- Don’t take any crap from anyone. She keeps a whistle by her phone. Anytime a solicitor calls, she blows the whistle as loudly as possible into the phone before she hangs up. (And then she laughs.)
- Use it or lose it. The day after her 94th birthday, she went gambling at a nearby casino. She used the money she got from recycling her aluminum cans.
- Be hilarious. Recently after I came home from a business trip, she asked me if I got “pissy-eyed drunk.” When I told her that I may have imbibed a little, but I didn’t do anything stupid, she replied, “That’s good. Because I’d hate to visit you in jail. Hospital, yes. Jail, no.”
- Express concern for those around you. When I talk to her every Monday morning, she asks me if I have the weekend flu. (That’s the “sickness” her neighbor used to get after drinking too much alcohol all weekend long.) She always seems a little disappointed when I tell her I don’t.
- Find creative solutions to your problems. My Grandma suffers from back pain. She recently told me that she’s been thinking about trying some marijuana. In fact, she has some in her freezer RIGHT now. (I think she’s on to something. And my sciatic nerve is flaring up again.)
- Shop until you can’t shop no more. I take my Grandma shopping weekly. Last week, we went out for five straight hours. We attacked 4 stores, ate lunch, and went to “peruse the case” at the local bakery. Then I checked in to see how she was doing and if she needed a rest. She replied, “I’ll rest when I die. Let’s keep shopping.”**
**To my darling husband, from this you can infer three things: 1) Shopping is my destiny. 2) It’s not my fault; it’s in my genes. 3) It’s not going to get better anytime soon.
Photo Credit: By Evan-Amos (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons. Added title graphic overlay.
47 Responses
Not gonna lie…I’m kind of in love with your grandma!
You and she would get along really well. xoxo
What’s she doing next Saturday, Foxy?
Whatever you want. As long as you’re driving.
Number 7 because I hurt my (left) shoulder while I was running last week. This is a complete list. But if you ever feel the need to write an addendum I’ll be happy to read (and laugh).
Your shoulder and my sciatica should hang out more often. And I’m sure there will be more.
Awesome. I miss my grandparents every day, especially my baseball loving grandfather that not everyone else got. His last words spoken directly to me were “That was the WORST B.M. EVER!!!”. Oh, Grandpa!
My Grandma and I get each other–for sure. And she would totally say that about a B.M. Although she’d probably use the word “shit.”
You know I love your grandma. I think we would all have a lot of fun together. Except I don’t think I could hang at shopping for five hours. I can barely handle shopping for ten minutes. Unless it’s for nail polish. Then I can go for days.
Yeah, she could probably even go longer if I didn’t have to pick up kids. The world is her nail polish.
Your grandma is pretty hilarious. Grandmas are the best!!
She makes me laugh so much. And they really are!
Your grandmother sounds a lot like mine. My grandmother is 101 and she’s more on the ball than I am (she quit drinking at 30, so it’s not a big surprise). But she loves her some shopping. I think the thing she regrets most is that she gets tired very easily these days, and really doesn’t have the stamina for shopping. But my aunt told me a month or so ago that they’d gone someplace together and, sure enough, my grandmother walked out of there with a couple of new pairs of pants. Clearly it’s in my genes, too!
Go Orange & Silver Grandma!! My Grandma definitely has more stamina than I do, but she also doesn’t have kids at home anymore either. (Let’s not discuss the drinking.)
Your grandma and my grandma…oh shit, is that a song? *ahem* Anyway, they would make excellent partners in crime.
I have a feeling that you and I would too…
I have got to meet this woman. She’s a hoot!
When you come out to visit, we’ll go see her. xoxo
Love, love, love this post!!! I especially love her asparagus advice, why can’t we decide how much of something we want to buy!! I’m so happy that you have her in your life, and just a tiny, teeny bit jealous!! Lol! Great piece!
Exactly!! I can’t believe I didn’t think of the Asparagus Revolution sooner! And I know that I’m super lucky to have her in my life still. I wish cherish every day.
Your asparagus lesson might just be a game changer for me too.
RIGHT?!!! It blew my mind.
Love reading your Grandma stories! Mine just talked about having sex with my Grandpa at my college graduation party. lol!!
HAHAHAHA! That’s hysterical!
My grandparents are all dead. Will you share your awesome grandma with me? xo
Absolutely. I will share her with the world! xo
These are awesome. No wonder you have awesome genes. There is just nothin’ like a sassy Grandma. The WHISTLE?? Yikes!
I do remember my sister telling me an interesting Nana story:
One time my Nana was at my sister’s house when her husband came home from work. He was a mechanic at that time, so he always showered when he got home. He said ‘hi’ to all, went upstairs and my Nana said, “I’ll watch the kids, you go upstairs and soap him up!” hahaha (I didn’t ask whether she took her up on the offer. Not something I need to know.)
OMG! That’s a FANTASTIC story! I love your Nana!
My grandma was hilarious — I miss her every day!
Awww, I’m glad you were able to know her. I know I’ll miss mine everyday too. But hopefully not for a long time. I told her she has to make it to 100.
I especially like the rule about breaking the rules. As a lawyer, that’s pretty much my job.
I also feel like I should take this moment to quote my essay from “I Just Want To Be Alone” and yell “That’s beans, b@#ch!”
I bet your grandma wouldn’t say that! 🙂
“That’s beans, b@#ch!” I LOVE that line!!
This was great!
Thank you. She’s pretty great.
I think I might turn out like her when I’m old. You sure we’re not related?
We could be… I’m already starting to act like her.
I sooo enjoyed this read! Too funny! And I just adore your grandmother. My type of woman to learn from.
Thank you. And mine too. I’m so glad I’ve got her in my life.
OMG!! My gran had a whistle! And she taught me pretty much the same things. I loved this post. Thanks for the memory. I miss her dearly.
Grandmothers are so wonderful. I hope to be that awesome some day…
You’re already that awesome! Must be genetic!
I really love your grandmother!
Thank you! She really is so great.
Your grandma sounds amazing!! Happy birthday to her. I had no clue you could only buy seven stalks of asparagus. And how cool that she went gambling with the money from recycling cans. She sounds like a ton of fun.
She is absolutely amazing. I had no idea about the asparagus either! That was life changing. She’s so much fun to be around, for sure.
And it was so great to see you this past weekend! xoxo
I adore your grandma! I wish mine were cool. Not saying I don’t love my granny. I still call her for cornbread and veggie soup when I’m in town and talk shit about my grumpy with her. But my little granny is such a prude she believes you have sex in the dark with your nightgown on and burns water.
I bet if my granny hung with yours they’d have a blast though. She’d get my granny to loosen up and she might even get drunk again at the casinos. Bless their hearts for the memories they give us.
Your grandma is frickin awesome. Can I get adopted?