My obsession with love for Jason Bateman is no secret. I proclaim it loudly and proudly. (As you might have guessed, I’m really loud.) I make no apologies to anyone, not even my husband. He knew about this infatuation when he married me. And while most of you (except the really awesome ones) are going, “WHAT?!” I assure you, I’m confident in my celebrity crush.
Recently Jenny from the Blog had a Gen X Heartthrob Smackdown. Jason Batemen was in Round 1, and he won his heat. (Naturally.) Unfortunately, he lost the overall Heartthrob Smackdown, despite my write-in votes and repeated insistence that he should win ALL ROUNDS, even ones he wasn’t in. (Fortunately Jenny didn’t ban me from her page.) I don’t even remember who won. It doesn’t matter. Jason should have won. HE WAS ROBBED.
You might be saying, “Okay, fine. He looks good now, but he didn’t always look that good.” Blasphemy. When I discuss my attraction to this man, I’m not just talking about modern-day Jason Bateman. My love goes all the way back to grade school. In 4th grade, as a class assignment, we had to write a letter to a celebrity. I wrote my letter to Ricky Shroder. (I know it’s Rick now, but back then it was Ricky.) One of my classmates wrote to Ricky too. She told him that he was dreamy and that she loved his blonde hair and that she’d like to ride on his train. That was not a euphemism; his Silver Spoons character had a train in his house, remember?
I, however, wrote to Ricky and told him that I enjoyed his show and that I really enjoyed the character of Derek Taylor. (Which if you didn’t already know was played by Jason Bateman.) And that it’d be great if Derek could be in more episodes. A LOT MORE. There was something about that mischievous brunette that I could not stop thinking about—I had to have more. (I guess pining after bad boys starts young.)
After Silver Spoons, I stuck with Jason through his awkward phase (e.g., Teen Wolf Too) and cheered him on through some of his best-known roles (e.g., Valerie). Sure, I may have stolen furtive glances at some other brunette actors (Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy) when Jason wasn’t working as much, but my heart always came back to him. ALWAYS.
Some people just don’t get it, and, honestly, I don’t get them. I mean, have they even watched one episode of Arrested Development? Didn’t they see Jason Bateman in Juno? Admittedly his character was a little creepy in Juno, but that’s part of Jason’s charm. (I might be defending my own creepiness here.) He’s self-deprecating, hilarious, and BEAUTIFUL. His dry wit and one-liners steal any scene for me. He’s comic genius, I tell you. Humor and smarts will get you everywhere with me. (See? I’ve evolved from the bad boy.)
Recently, my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends) and I were hanging out playing a game called “Actors, Musicians, Sport Figures” or something like that. The deal was you had to pick which famous person you’d hook up with in each category. (It’s possible they devised this game to get me to stop answering “Jason Bateman” every time we’d play “Hall Pass.”)
Question #1: Actors
Freighbor #1: “Okay, Foxy, which actor would you do?”
Me: “Jason Bateman. NATCH.”
Freighbor #2: “WHAT?! Are you kidding me?”
Me: “Jason Bateman. Did I stutter?”
And all three of them proceeded to thrash me for this response. They tried to convince me of someone else like Hugh Jackman, Ryan Gosling, or who’s that guy from Maroon 5?
No, I insisted. Jason Bateman. I threw out words like “dry wit,” “smart,” “brunette,” “blue eyes,” “smattering of freckles,” but they remained unconvinced.
Question #2: Musician
Freighbor #1: “Which musician would you do?”
Me: “Jason Bateman.”
Freighbor #2: “He’s not a musician.”
Me: “Jason Bateman.”
Freighbor #2: “YOU CAN’T KEEP SAYING JASON BATEMAN! HE’S NOT A MUSICIAN!”
(It’s possible I like to rile up Freighbor #2 a bit.)
Me: “He sang on Yo Gabba Gabba!”
Freighbor #2: “That doesn’t count.”
Me: “Sure it does.”
Freighbor #2: “That was a one-off. Try again.”
Me: “Fine. He sang that Mumford & Sons song with the other Jason and some other dudes.” (I’m apparently not hip to pop culture.)
Freighbor #3: “Wait. You mean ‘Hopeless Wanderer?’ He was LIP-SYNCING.”
Me: “Whatever. He’s still a musician.”
Freighbor #2: “YOU CAN’T PICK JASON BATEMAN.”
Me: “Fine. Jack Johnson.”
Freighbor #1: “Who?”
Me: “Jack Johnson. He sings. He surfs. He does good shit for the world. Here’s a picture.”
Freighbor #1: “Okay. He’s not bad. Wait. He looks an awful lot like…”
Me: “JASON BATEMAN. Except Jason Bateman is hotter.”
Question #3: Sports Figure
Freighbor #1: “Which sports figure would you do?”
Freighbor #2: “And you can’t say JASON BATEMAN.”
Me: “But Jason Bateman played sports when he was younger. And there was all that boxing in Teen Wolf Too.”
Freighbor #2: “No. Just NO.”
Me: “Just pick someone for me. Someone who looks like Jason Bateman. Maybe a soccer player.”
Freighbor #3: “David Beckham.”
Me: “Who? Just kidding. Okay, fine, David Beckham. But he’s no Jason Bateman.”
I think they threw something at me after that last response. But the details are a little fuzzy. Because, wine. And Jason Bateman.
We had another neighborhood gathering shortly after in which celebrity crushes were brought up again. Freighbor #2 immediately pounced on me, denouncing Jason Bateman and shoving (what she considered) unflattering pictures of him in my face.
I calmly replied, “You can’t show me anything that will dampen my love for him.”
She was about to come down on me full force when Freighbor #4 rescued me: “I used to have a crush on Pat Sajak.”
And we all died laughing.
That took the heat of off me. And Jason Bateman. At least for the time being.
Who’s your celebrity crush? And you can’t say “Jason Bateman.” ‘Cuz he’s mine.
Photo Credit: “Jason Bateman” by Eva Rinaldi is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Cropped from original, with title graphic layover.
41 Responses
Hahahah…Jason Bateman. Yes..I like him…but not crush-wise, although I am not judging.
My celebrity crush is dead. Joe Strummer. Oh man..I loved him even before he got his teeth fixed.
Joe Strummer is a very worthy celebrity crush–fucked up teeth or not.
I think Jason has gotten even more debonair with time! He’s adorable and has a lot of screen appeal. But my celebrity crush is dorkier than yours. I ADORE Colin Firth … those dimples … that accent … sincere … intelligent. And while he was awesome in The King’s Speech, Love Actually, Shakespeare in Love, Bridget Jones and Nanny McPhee, my absolute crush on Mr. Darcy/Darcy started in the teeny bopper movie he did with Amanda Bynes, What a Girl Wants. He is dreamy.
Colin Firth. Yes, I can understand that one very well.
I also LOVE Colin Firth. Something very debonair about him.
Chris Pine…mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, right? RIGHT?!
It’s hard to pick just one–I loved so many (I’m giving that way. I’m a giver. Or a bit of a slut, take your pick). I think I’ll have to go with Val Kilmer. I mean, who could say no to Iceman/Chris Knight?
I am slowly nodding my head here. I understand Val Kilmer, but I like darker brown hair. And guys whose names are Jason Bateman. 😉
David Boreanz. As Angel, as Seeley Booth, singing, dancing, reading the phone book, whatever. Yummy.
I get David Boreanz (even though I had to type his name like 6 times), and he’s funny too. I’ll let you keep him. 😉
Jason Bateman? ABSOLUTELY! We’d have hot-crazy-sexy-time AND an intellectual discussion AND a rip-roaring hilarious good time! He’s the whole package! Funny, smart, sexy! I adooooore him!
This is why we’re such good friends, Darcy. xoxo
Jason is fab – cute, funny etc etc. BUT Ryan Gosling is the man for me. I swoon just typing his name.
Is he the one who co-starred with Sandra Bullock in The Proposal? 😉
Hands down – Matt Damon. He’s just a slice of heaven and everything he is in just makes me warm. Not in the sweaty, annoying way but warmish and tingly. I’m going to close my eyes and think of him for a bit. Thanks!
I can understand Matt Damon, but he’s a little too blonde for my liking and not enough Jason Bateman. But I’m happy you’re having good thoughts. 🙂
I totally get it. I mean, you can HAVE Jason Bateman but ever since I watched the old TV show “It’s Your Move” he’s had a special place in my geeky heart. Remember that show? It was about a single mom, dating a super smart guy and Jason Bateman was her son. Jason Bateman and her boyfriend would always pull pranks on each other, totally unknown to the mom, and one-up each other. It was totally clever, so naturally it didn’t run long on American TV. I have weird crushes, mostly on old men. You probably don’t want to hear about that….
Oh my gosh, Joy, I can’t believe I neglected to mention “It’s Your Move!” That was one of my very favorite shows. I just watched this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH6Ungv6Rfg and the pre-teen in me swooned all over again.
And, yes, I want to hear all about your weird crushes.
For me it was David Hasselhoff and the guy who played McGuyver. I’m over it.
I kind of like that guy who plays Damon in “The Vampire Diaries,” though I’m probably about 10 years too old for him. Whatever.
You’re exactly the right age for him. I say that not even knowing how old you are.
HA HA HA! I love your chat with the “freighbors!” LOL And you are entitled to love anyone on the planet. My crush has always been Matt Damon. My newish crush is Chris Hemsworth.
My freighbors are always good for a laugh. I don’t always remember the conversations (because wine). I should really start recording shit.
BENEDICT.
Jason would look incredibly sexy serving me eggs benedict, yes.
I feel you haven’t earned Jason’s true adoration because you failed to mention his tenure on Little House on the Prairie as the character James. Because I mentioned this, I now get to marry him because, clearly, I love him more.
I’m leaving his filmography to IMDB. And I think Amanda Anka beat us both to him. *wipes away tears*
Mark Harmon. Both as Freddy Shoop and as Leroy Jethro Gibbs. I’d hit that like the fist of an angry god.
*adds “I’d hit that like the fist of an angry god.” to my regular rotation*
I have a list:
Andy Garcia!!!!
Robert Downy Jnr.
Colin Firth
Gerard Butler!!!
LOL! I have a serious crush on Jonny Lee Miller and I only watch Elementary because of him. My husband is not amused. I can’t say Jason Bateman does it for me, but I FULLY ENDORSE your obsession. I mean, love. (Other unrequited crushes include Daniel Craig & Robert Downey Jr. Yumyum.
HA! I agree that Jason is a cutie. I used to have a huge crush on Kirk Cameron when he and Jason were young (i.e. Growing Pains). Now?? That’s tough. Matt Damon, perhaps. And Alex O’Laughlin who is the only reason I watch the new Hawaii Five-O!
HA! Silver Spoons! That takes me back. I liked Ricky Shroder back then too but I really liked John Schneider as a pre-teen. Jason Bateman is cute but for me Hugh Jackman hands down! I did go through a Robert Patrick phase for a little while.
Hahaha!! Jason Bateman! Do you remember when he was on little house on the prairie?!?!?
And he was hilarious in the change up!!!( with Ryan Reynolds, my celebrity crush!)
Jason is sooo cute.
god i loved silver spoons..
I was big into Robert Downey Jr….”Pick-Up Artist” era! Now EVERYONE has jumped on that bandwagon! Aaaaaaand, Jason Bateman!
Oh, Jason Bateman is a hotty, fo sho! I’ve got a thing for a good sense of humor … so sexy. Which is why Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are tops on my list!
I think you are right on with Jason Bateman. What I don’t understand is Ryan Gosling. At all. What is the deal with all the pictures of him saying stuff? Do people really think he’s hot?Can your friebors explain that? I want to see those pictures with Jason Bateman instead.
Agree! 45,000% percent. Yes, Silver Spoons. Yes, Arrested Development. Yes, Juno. Yes. Love your letter to Rick/Ricky. I want some fun friehbors to play drinking games with…!!
Okay, at the risk of exposing myself as a total beyatch, I’m fessing up to freighbor #2. But as you know, I always think of celebrity crushes as people completely out of our league. Not just cuz they’re, you know, celebrities, but also because they’re just way hotter than we are. Reaching for the stars. And I still maintain… You could totally GET Jason Bateman. You’re just as “self-deprecating, hilarious, and BEAUTIFUL!” Whereas my celeb crushes are from another planet. Did you mention David Beckham?? But I appreciate your realism. And love you always! ❤️❤️❤️
P.S. That is a particularly sexy pic of Jason Bateman.
P.P.S. I’d completely forgotten about Pat Sajak. ROTFLMAO!