If you recall, my daughter Erin and I brainstormed ideas for her 5th grade science fair project earlier in the year. I threw out a few ideas based upon the science experiments we have inadvertently conducted in our house, and she had a hormonal meltdown and stomped off to her room.
After she settled down, she came back with one of the most brilliant science fair project ideas ever known to humankind:
“What Homemade Cleaning Solution Removes Wine Stains the Best?”
I know. She’s a creative genius. (She gets that from me.)
I gave you a little preview of the science experiment, and then I left you hanging. That was mostly because she didn’t get her report back until three weeks ago. But also because I was busy testing out sangria recipes.
Sorry about that.
I promised you the results of the science project, and I *will* deliver. Let me begin with my daughter’s own words:
Purpose Statement
The purpose of my experiment is to find out which homemade cleaning solution removes red wine stains the best. I am interested in this experiment because we get stains in our carpet frequently. The information gained from this experiment will help others to determine the easiest way to remove red wine stains from their clothing and carpet using simple products that they have in their house.
So, from this statement, the reader can draw a few conclusions:
- Someone in our house is a sloppy wine-drinking klutz. I have no idea who that would be.
- Not only does that someone spill wine on the carpet, but she also spills wine on her clothes.
- This scientist (my daughter) is going to save the world one wine stain at a time.
Erin had done plenty of research on what causes red wine to stain and the different types of chemical reactions that happen between various cleaning ingredients. Read: she watched a video of some kids making a foam volcano using hydrogen peroxide and dish soap combined with yeast and water. I kid. She did watch that video, but she also did a bunch of additional research. She’s a smart cookie, that one. (Also from me.)
She came up with three homemade cleaning solutions (these changed multiple times throughout the planning process—this indecisiveness is from her father):
- Solution A: Dawn dish soap and hydrogen peroxide
- Solution B: Dawn dish soap, ammonia, baking soda, and warm water
- Solution C: Dawn dish soap, hydrogen peroxide, and baking soda
Her hypothesis, based upon her research on the ingredients and their chemical reactions, was that Solution C would clean the wine stains most effectively.
She created a test surface using a piece of spare carpet taped off in a grid pattern. She carefully measured out 2 tablespoons of wine for each section of carpet.
She let those stains dry for a week. And then she carefully tested each cleaning solution three times. There was a shit-ton of soap in all of them so it took some time to determine the results, but here they are. Drum roll, please….
The cleaning solution… that took out the wine stains the best… was Solution A: Dawn dish soap and hydrogen peroxide!*
Of course, the experiment was only one part of the torturous science fair project. She still needed to write a report and create a project board. We had to spread this suffering out over a few days as we kept getting interrupted by meltdowns and crying fits. Not just from me.
While we were creating her project board (by that I mean she was whining and dragging her feet while I was shoving pieces of double-stick tape in her face and yelling at her to finish the frakking project already), I casually told her, “You know, I was a little surprised that your teacher was okay with this project. You know, the stains being wine and all.”
Erin cocked her head and replied, “I’m not sure I told her that it was wine. Just that it was a stain.”
SCREEEEEEEECHHHH!!!! Wait. Hold the presses. WHAT?!!
“Uhhhh, you didn’t tell her you were doing WINE stains?!” I tried not to let my fear show. It was a long and painful road to get through this project; the thought of failure or rejection made my head explode.
“No, just stains.” she confirmed.
“Okaaaay. Let’s just finish this torture project board.” I suggested through clenched teeth.
As she worked on decorating her board, I silently brainstormed what I would say to the teacher if my daughter’s (FINISHED!) project was rejected.
- “Think of all of the health benefits of wine. Wine is essentially medicine.”
- “Wine is holy—it’s the blood of Jesus!”
- “What if the priest spills wine at mass? Won’t this science project help everyone out?”
Much to my husband’s and my relief, she finished the damn project.
It all turned out okay. My daughter got an A-. Her project was missing a graph (a graph that both my husband and I told her to include, but she threw a hormonally-induced fit instead of listening to us. Sucks when your parents are right, doesn’t it?!), but otherwise she scored very well. She could have improved her… oh what the fuck do I care? The damn project is done. A+ in my book.
I never heard back from the teacher, although I imagine there was a lot of snickering going on in the Teacher’s Lounge.
*Seeing as though this science experiment was conducted by a 5th grader and overseen by a “sloppy wine-drinking klutz” and the idiot who married her, I would highly recommended testing the cleaning solution before using on your fine carpets, high-end rugs, expensive fabrics, etc. Read: we are not responsible if you fuck up your shit.
46 Responses
Hahaha! I’m sure the teacher was just as interested in the results as you.
Probably. She’s an awesome science teacher.
“Someone in our house is a sloppy wine-drinking klutz. I have no idea who that would be.”
Hum. Let’s all scratch our heads on that one!
SCIENCE-Y TYPE QUESTION: Would hydrogen peroxide be safe to use on a carpet that wasn’t light colored?
I’m certain I have no idea what you’re insinuating. And, thanks to you, I added a disclaimer at the end of this project. I’d be very careful with hydrogen peroxide on a darker carpet.
Your daughter is a genius! I also wish you luck finding how who the ass is spilling red wine all over your house.
Oh, and can she come over to find out how to get dog pee out of my carpet?
I read that part to my daughter, and she laughed and said, “Pfffft. As if I didn’t know it was you.” Oh, and Nature’s Miracle is my best friend for dog pee. I buy it by the gallons. (It works on red wine too.)
Does that work on darker carpet, by chance?
All good to know. Love: “We had to spread this suffering out.” And it does suck when your parents are right. I used to say let’s do our best work. Now I say get er done.
“Get er done.” I love it. And that’s about right.
You give us a recipe for sangria and your daughter teaches us how to get the stains out if we spill any. Nice!
We’re full service here. Thanks for noticing! 🙂
I like the way your daughter thinks! As parents I think it’s our duty to remind them (frequently!) that we are always right! Good job!
Thank you. Yes, it is. And thank you again. I’m not sure my daughter is thanking you though.
Ahhh….motherhood. Working our way through, one glass of wine at a time!
I just love your commentary on this one! I think we have ALL had similar thoughts while “patiently” working our way through our children’s homework and projects! And the part about wasting the wine….that was MY first thought too!! LOL
I cried when she used that wine. Did you?
Omiword your daughter’s a genius. I think I’m going to borrow her mission statement/hypothesis and tweak it a bit for the workplace. I’ll come out looking like a rock star!
Just make sure you include a graph. And precise measurements. Then you’ll be golden!
What a great – and totally useful – science project! I did my science fair project on fingerprinting. Because a) I watched way too much Starsky & Hutch as a kid and b) My mom was cheap and wouldn’t spring for a fingerprinting kit, so I got the police department to put one together for me with samples. Dawn and hydrogen peroxide. I’ve got both, and I’m going to use them from now on. Hydrogen peroxide works wonders for getting out blood, but sometimes you need that extra something, something. That must be the Dawn! Thanks for sharing this. A+!
I love you so hard right now for Starsky & Hutch and that you got the police to put one together for you. That’s priceless.
Everybody needs to know this stuff!
Exactly. She’s saving the world!
So disappointed she didn’t get to display her project at a science fair for the parents. I suspect the shock and snickering would’ve provided great material for another blog. BTW, just voted for you again… and again. 😉
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in the teacher’s lounge. That must have been some good shock and snickering… And thank you for your vote(s)!
This is the best science fair project blog post that includes wine that has ever or will ever be written. You rock.
Thank you. Especially because I think there is at least 3 of such blog posts. 😉
Laughing for days! I can even forgive the actual spillage of wine (gasp!) in favor of such great information.
I kept repeating that as I quivered in the corner…
This made me laugh out loud! The torture board, I mean project board…You really captured the essence of the private hell known as science fair.
Great blog post. I loved it.
Lucia
Thank you. Science fair projects. Torture. Same thing, right?
A-?! I would have given her an A!
Me too. I drank some wine as a consolation prize.
Okay honestly I started reading and I thought really, her kids Science Fair Project?! Then you mentioned wine and I read a little further and before I knew it I was laughing my ass off. It takes real talent to do that! I came over from Her Royal Thighness. So far it’s been a long line of brillant women. Thanks for making me pee my pants but that’s okay my wine glass was empty anyway!
LOL! I’m glad I surprised you a bit. And Parri is one of my very favorite bloggers so your words mean even more to me. Sorry for the pee. Hope you refilled your wine glass. 😉
As a teacher, I totally would have given her an A+ for the project and you a bottle of wine for your sacrifice in the name of science.
Yes. Because you’re the best teacher in the WORLD.
OMG, I’m cracking up at your line about “the priest spilling wine at mass! It’s a public service project. LOL! What a great story. And I was a teacher for four years … Yes. They’re laughing at you in the lounge!
It’s probably not the only reason they are laughing at us. But that’s okay. Thank you, Parri, for reading and sharing. LOVE YOU.
What is it about 5th grade school projects and drama? That is a beautiful science project, by the way. We just had to complete a research paper on Julius Caesar. That was just looking up stuff online and writing it down. Took a week and three temper tantrums. I think a science project would have killed us.
5th grade drama about killed me. I sure hope my son is easier than this when he gets to 5th grade. Shit. I just doomed myself.
You’re very welcome. I love that recipe for DW detergent. My daughter has a knack for picking great science fair projects. Last year, she was testing if plants could grow in UV light. So we basically had a grow house for a month.
I gave myself a stomach ache reading this, because I’m at work and had to suppress my laughter. Because we have a sloppy wine-drinking klutz in our house too, I usually drink white. But we also have hardwood floors (no stains, it just leaves a sticky residue).
White wine is a good choice for sloppy wine-drinking klutzes. It also helps to have a dog.
Ha! This was great. I’m 35 and my 5th grade science project involved blowing in wine bottles with different levels if liquid for different sounds. I never even considered what my teacher must have thought!
I wonder if that project is where my wine addiction stemmed from?
You’re a fantastic writer.
Holy shit! That’s hilarious!! Although I don’t think there were as many “rules” when we were in 5th grade. But still. I bet they did get a good laugh from that one.
And, wine addition and compliments? You’re my new best friend. xoxo
It’s like the time my nephew had to bring three items to school that were common enough around the house that you had 10 of each item. He brought in ten wine corks and ten prescription bottle caps (I can’t remember what his third item was). His grandmother helped him with the project – she had him bring the 10 prescription bottle caps because she thought it represented the fact she had been a pharmacist and her husband was a doctor. The ten wine corks were because my sister left a lot around. I can imagine the giggling in the teacher’s room over that one.
The article is hilarious! I absolutely love your story! Your daughter seems a very smart girl! Greets!