Last week I was delivering a beautiful crocheted blanket from my aunt to my mom. My friend Nicole happened to get a glimpse of what was in my bag, and she gave me a very perplexed look.
“You didn’t make that, did you?” she challenged.
“No, I’m just the delivery service,” I admitted.
“’Cuz I was gonna say—you don’t strike me as the crocheting type. Or really the crafty type at all,” she continued.
I had to stop her right there. “Now stop right there,” I ordered. “I’m crafty and shit.”
“No way. I don’t believe you.”
“I make tons of crafty shit.”
“Name one project you’ve made. And a vase filled with wine corks doesn’t count.”
Crap. She had me. I had to think for a bit. I had to go waaay back. “In college, I made a sculpture with melted wax. It was mixed media. And very avant-guarde.”
“You’re lying.”
“Am not.”
“Picture or it didn’t happen.”
So, later that day, I sent her the following picture with the words, “In your face, bitch.”
Later that night, I started to really think about my crafty side. And I put together a mental list of the artsy and crafty shit I’ve done. I mean, I’m not going to start my own DIY Show (unless it’s about making drinks), and I’m probably not going to make any non-sarcastic craft boards on Pinterest any time soon. But I’m crafty. I’m handy. I can do shit.
And I’ve got the data to support those statements.
Household Décor: I designed this arrangement myself. And color coordinated it. And used a drill to install it without any help from anyone.
. It’s okay. I’ll wait.Christmas Décor: Hey. It took a lot of measuring and cutting and shit to get that dental floss the right length. And, again, it’s color coordinated.
Wall Décor: I tried to hang a picture. Okay, this may be a non-example. But I patched that up and rehung the picture ALL BY MYSELF. And now you can’t even see the hole. (That’s what she said.)
Recycled Art: What do YOU do with the fur that comes out of your dog after a grooming session? I make beautiful dog fur art, of course. Best thing about this art piece? It’s interactive and can be made into any shape. And then vacuumed up.
Ink Drawings: Look at this beautiful artwork. I sent it to my graphic designer, and it inspired her to design my beautiful header graphic at the top of this blog. Clearly, she couldn’t have done it without me. Clearly.
Food Crafts: You saw these right? (Now I’m adding Pastry Chef to my resume.) The first craft was almost too pretty to eat. But I ate it anyways. Times five.
I didn’t make this cake, but I made the beautiful, inspired cake-top decorations.
Body Art: One night, I noticed an interesting constellation of freckles. So, of course, I had to connect them. OF COURSE I DID.
![[need caption]](https://i0.wp.com/www.foxywinepocket.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/connectthedots.jpg?resize=475%2C633&ssl=1)
See how crafty I am? I mean, do I really need to present any more evidence? I think not. In fact, I rest my case. Now I’m off to try painting with wine (the wine is recycled from a spill on the table).
32 Responses
I knew we were brothers from another mother. I think if I had to pick a favorite, it would be the freckle “L.” You crack me up!
Sisters from another mister–you bet we are! xoxo
Wow. I think you and I could open up a crafty studio–specifically a studio where we drink wine while making sarcastic comments about the lack of crafts. We would be the best crafty studio around!!
We’re going to do the crafty studio and that special college course together, right? I’ll draw up some plans before BlogU.
I’m cracking up that your husband thought your body art should be on your forehead! But I think it shows that the human body itself is a work of art and, therefore, doesn’t need tattoos. And the 6+ 4 … recycling shows concern for the environment … a rebellion against industrialization and air pollution. You’re not only an artist … you’re one who conveys profoundly significant social messages!
Parri–I’ll take that, put it on a button, and wear it forever. I want to paint a picture of your brilliance with my spilt wine. I’ll bring it to BlogHer.
Oh. My. God. I *HAVE* to do one of these blog posts for myself when I get home. CAN I CAN I CAN I? I’ll give you all the credit for thinking it up. This was so fucking funny. I am dying over here.
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOURS!!!!
Yeah, I had a feeling the bow in the cork vase was NOT for you to take credit for. 😉
Shut. It. I’ll call you “bitch” again. I will…
I already showed pictures of what my awesome friends make for me because I suck a lot at crafts. NOW I want to do my own post on what I actually have made that I think count as crafty shit.
BTW, I am pretty sure that the Christmas balls are my favorite because they look pretty familiar to what I have done in the past. Except I just used the hooks that were already attached. Cutting dental floss would be too much like crating shit.
You have more than one sister from a different mister. BlogU is going to pass the fuck out from all the sisterliness.
You should totally do that post. I’d love to see it! Can’t wait for BlogU. Baltimore won’t know what hit it.
I’m not sure “crafty” is the right word here. Maybe handy? Definitely looking into getting the bottle opener. Did you hang it on the door jamb? I’d like to do that in the new house. I also think you should set up an Etsy shop. Do you know how HUGE pet fur art could be? You know how insane ppl are over their pets. You could make custom pet art w/ people supplying you with their dog or cats (b/c cats are furry too) fur for you to sculpt into exquisite works of art. They would be one of a kind pieces. We’re so doing this! Also, I have the same hole in my living room wall only it took 3 years for my husband to patch it (that’s why we’re moving).
My husband would say I’m handy. BOOM. The fridge is in a weird little alcove, and one side of it has just about 6 inches of wall. So that’s where it is. We actually have three of those in the house in various spots. I highly recommend them.
These are FANTASTIC! You got talent sista don’t let anyone ever tell you you don’t! My favorite – the peace sign dog hair of course. I could have a matching set! Genius.
Why thank you! That means a lot coming from you. Your dogs could definitely supply all of the materials for the dog fur art. I see a business in our future…
You’re like Martha Steward and my mother and..well..other crafty people. I especially like the peace sign…
You’re gonna love my coffee table book proposal then. I’ll keep you posted.
I wouldn’t show that melted wax piece to anyone in the medical field. It scares me. HA!!
I think I scared my roommates too.
Kelly, you slay me. The last crafty thing I did was my son’s Valentine shoe box wrapped in gold wrapping paper. I’ve used dental floss to hang stuff. Efficient that is. Can’t wait for BlogU!
Why that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. We’re going to have a blast at BlogU!
I read your post title and immediately started to sing/rap/butcher “She’s Crafty” by the Beastie Boys. And let it be known that ANY quality craft project starts with either cold beer or chilled wine.
Beer and Beastie Boys are always welcome at my house. Always!
Totally crafty and shit!
I have a goldendoodle, I will now begin post doodle grooming art!
Carrie, the Just Mildly Medicated gal
Oh, I very much look forward to that! The world really needs more dog fur art.
I thought I loved you hard. I was wrong. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any harder, you had to go and get crafty on me. You just blow me away with your talents. We need to drink wine together SOON!!!!
Teri, my friend, I love you harder. We need to get together again soon. I didn’t get enough Teri Time!
That’s amazing! You are crafty! My long haired mutt sheds a ton twice a year and now I know exactly what to do with it.
The possibilities are endless, really. You could even make a mutt doll for your dog to snuggle with. Wait until the glue dries though.
pretty sure you just scored yourself a new reader! Found my way here from Michelle’s blog and just read like ten posts. I am crafty- I work with clay, make jewelry and sew…. However I can’t paint, papercraft weirds me out, and while I went to school for graphic design and can do an awesome logo, I can’t stand the feel of pencil on paper. Guess we all have limitations! I’d totally display those wine corks like that though!
Awesome. I’m glad to have you! I will not, unfortunately, be posting much more on my, uhhh, crafty side. But hopefully I can still entertain you! I’m off to check out your designs.