When I was pregnant with our first child—a girl—there weren’t many baby-making decisions for me and my husband to make, and the ones that we did have were quite easy. Selecting strollers and cribs and other supplies was free of drama. We opted for a gender-neutral nursery color scheme, thinking we’d save money in the event that our next child was a boy. (Okay, we knew we were too lazy to repaint.) We both agreed that our daughter should not be forced to wear pink just because she was a girl. (Of course, pink ended up being her favorite color for many years. I even wear it now too. Go figure.)
A few years later, when we found out that I was pregnant with a boy, we were just elated that he had a strong heartbeat and that the pregnancy was going well (we had lost two pregnancies in between). We didn’t think about anything else because we were so focused on keeping both the baby and me healthy and strong. Even selecting a name wasn’t a huge decision.
It wasn’t until we were in the third trimester of this pregnancy when our doctor asked us, “So, are you going to circumcise your son?” that we were confronted with our first huge baby-making decision. And one of the first times in our marriage where our points of view were diametrically opposed: The Circumcision Decision.
My husband and I answered the doctor simultaneously:
Me/Him: NO/Yes.
Doctor: *blink blink*
Doctor: Well, I don’t need to know right now. You two can talk about this and tell me your decision later. We still have a couple of months to go.
The car ride home from the doctor’s office started out in eerie silence. But I couldn’t shut up stay quiet for long.
Me (incredulously): I can’t believe you want to circumcise our son.
Him (defensively): Why not?
Me: The better question is why?
Him: Because I am circumcised. He should be like me.
Me: But it’s medically unnecessary.
Him: No, there are medical reasons to circumcise.
Me: No, there aren’t.
Him: No, there really are.
Me: No, there really aren’t.
It was clear that we weren’t going to get anywhere in the car. I sarcastically gently suggested that we talk about it at a later time. Which really just meant I was going to prepare all sorts of arguments on why we shouldn’t whack the weenie. Much like a lawyer preparing for her big summation.
We stayed away from the topic for about a week. I was slowly gathering all of my data. He was not.
Me: So, can we talk about circumcision again?
Him: Sure. I want to circumcise our son.
Me: But I don’t want to.
And then I went into all of my facts: It’s medically unnecessary. It’s like mutilation. It will take away some of his sensitivity.
Him: Ooooo, I can assure you I’m still plenty sensitive down there.
Me: But it takes some away. Wouldn’t you want to feel even MORE down there?
Him: Well, I’d like you to feel even more down there.
That effectively ended that discussion on peeling the penis. A few more weeks passed. I was sticking to my principles and passive-aggressively leaving articles around the house: “Top 10 Reasons Not To Circumcise” and “The Barbaric History of Circumcision.” I was sure I was winning this big debate. Little did I know that my husband was also busy doing research of his own.
After a week or so, he brought up the topic again.
Him: Did you know that circumcision results in lower risks of urinary tract infections and sexually transmitted diseases? And cancer? IT LOWERS THE RISK OF CANCER!
Me: That’s actually not true. Didn’t you read the articles I put out?
Him: No. I recycled them all.
Me: Well, it’s not true. We just have to teach our son proper hygiene. He just needs to wash properly. There’s no reason to cut the cock.
Him (cringing): But what if other kids make fun of him?
Me: It’s actually getting more and more common not to circumcise. Besides, he can do it later if he really wants to. Remember that guy on Sex in the City?
Him: Oh my god, you are not comparing our son to a television character, are you?
Me (walking away): Hmmmpht.
And with that, we suspended talk of snipping the sausage. But we were running out of time. Our son was going to pop out of my body soon, and we really needed to make a decision.
Finally, a week or so before our son’s due date, we sat down and had an authentic heart-to-heart discussion. You know, like actual mature adults who aren’t planting Internet articles that support their opinions (or recycling those articles that don’t).
Him: So the way I see it, the pros and cons of circumcision cancel each other out. Honestly, at the end of the day, I want him to look like me. And I want that to be okay.
Me: I know you want our son to be like you, and that is an absolutely valid reason to circumcise him. I completely get that.
Him: Thank you for acknowledging that. And I know you want our son to be how he was created—to not alter his body.
Me: Yes.
*silence*
Me: Scale of 1 to 10: how important is this issue to you?
Him: It’s about an 8 or 9.
Me: Well, it’s a 10 for me. It’s that important to me.
Him: Okay, then, we won’t circumcise our son.
Me: Thank you.
Our son was born one week later, and we left him just the way he was created. We did not circumcise him. Which means that our son does not look the same “down there” as his dad. They are different in that way.
The other day while my son was taking a bath, I poked my head in and asked him, “Colin, have you pulled back the skin and washed your privates?”
He screamed at me, “NOOOOOO!”
I gently asked, “Why not?
And he screamed back at me, “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH MY PENIS!”
I choked back a guffaw and thought, “Hmmmmm, maybe my son and my husband are different down there in two ways…”
But I’m guessing that won’t last very long.
61 Responses
I’ll tell ya, that being in the same situation as your husband and son, I had no problem not having him circumcised, but I have really struggled with all the differences. Just learning proper hygiene (Me: “There’s a difference, really?!”) He also had a complication that didn’t get noticed until he was 3, which required a steroid cream (this poor kid has been on 3 different kinds of The Clear, which fits since he’s a Giants fan like myself).
I guess I really should write a companion piece to this one, Foxy. Thanks for the inspiration.
I would LOVE to read that companion piece. WRITE ON, my friend.
We also chose to not cut for all the same reasons. I didn’t with my first son either and that was 27 years ago. People looked at me like I was a freak when I said I didn’t have him cut. (Yes, it was a common topic in the 80s. shut up).
I just didn’t get the reason why I’d put my newborn through unnecessary surgery. They both seem to be fine with it now…although honestly, neither of them discuss their penis with me anymore.
You were pretty ahead of your time, Michelle. I like that. xoxo
OMG. I wish I had your son. When my uncircumcised son is in the bath, he likes to *detail* to me the foreskin-cleaning process and tell me ALL ABOUT HOW IT’S DONE. All the while I just stare off vaguely into the corner of the room, try not to make eye contact, nod and go “Uh-huh. Interesting” while cringing my head off. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS. IT’S MAN STUFF. TALK TO YOUR UNCIRCUMCISED FATHER ABOUT IT.
I’m pretty sure I only have a few months of this left. But then, WHO WILL I DIRECT HIM TO?
We didn’t snip our son either for the same reasons. I also kind of felt like, if I wouldn’t be able to be with him during the procedure without screaming and crying myself, we shouldn’t put him through it. All of the blood-curdling screaming my daughter was already doing with her vaccinations was hard enough! Also, my first serious boyfriend wasn’t circumcised and once I got used to it it was no big thang–in fact, some activities were easier for me because of it. 😉 I’m glad that religion wasn’t an issue for us. I know that the Bris ceremony can be really hard for some Jewish mothers.
I did once put my son through a lot of pain when he was an infant by pulling back the foreskin myself while bathing him. Oops! I was so focused on researching the pros and cons of circumcision that I neglected to educate myself about male infant hygiene–the pediatrician looked at me like I was a complete idiot when I told him about it.
Great post, Foxy! It’s an interesting topic to write about since there are so many intense feelings about it. (So, so, so many opportunities were there in my response to make inappropriate jokes, though!)
Thank you, Smargie! I really appreciate your kind words. And I expect to take some flack for this. But we are very happy with our decision.
Being a “cut” guy I can attest to the pro side of being circumcized. Both my sons were snipped also. My youngest son was born with a hyperspapedia ( the ureathra was underneath the head of the penis). During the snip, the doctor had to use the for skin to actually position the hole properly or closer to where it was suppose to be. It was a nightmare changing diapers. When the little bugger stood at attention and you were positioned below the typical like me of fire….ya well you got shot in the belly with pee. Funny to think about it now, but my wife and I decided that ” the cut” would be done so that all the boys in the house looked the same. I’m not opposed to the ” natural” look, but for us it was our decision the do the circumcizen
I respect that everyone needs to make his/her own decision (and given the specific circumstances). Truly. And I probably would have done the same as you. I appreciate that you took the time to comment.
The option never even came up when I was pregnant with my son – it’s the norm in France not to circumcise. Much simpler when there’s not even really a decision to make!
I knew I loved France for a reason. (I have never been there.)
Add me to the list of “we had that discussion and decided not to cut”. I just couldn’t imagine hurting my baby boy right after he was born. And I won.
I couldn’t either. (And I won too.) 😉
None of my three boys are clipped. Two Docs were cool the third tried to guilt and bully me onto it. Like he’d never dealt with a woman who just gave birth? Pfft!
In 24 years, we only had one instance of a yeast infection, which taught him to never neglect his cleaning again. *grin*
Yep. I’m definitely a NO CLIPPING! Mom.
DON’T CLIP THE COCK! Yep.
I have three boys and we did circumcise all of them. When I talked to my OB, she said that boys do want to “look like Daddy” and since Daddy was circumcised, we went that route. After we’d done the first one, we pretty much had to do the twins (it would have been weird if they didn’t look like their brother). But I understand it’s getting very common not to do it, so I’m fully expecting there will be a mix when they get old enough to be aware of other boys. And we’ll get to have a fun conversation about that, which won’t be embarrassing for me IN THE LEAST.
No discussion on penises (or penes) will be without embarrassment. We will both experience that. YAY! 😉
My dad was cut, I was not. Our lives overlapped for 40 years; we never talked about our penile difference. Until I was 13, I had no clue why I looked different in the tenderest of masculine places from him and my brother. When I learned that I was “normal” and all the males around me were clipped, I too wanted to be clipped — but not to resemble my father or brother. I did not admire them in other departments, so why emulate them in this tender one? Rather, I wanted to be able to use the showers in locker rooms without embarrassment. I few years later, I wanted to be able to get fresh on a date without the girl saying “ewww gross! No way I will ever let you stick that thing into me. And get this buddy. Hell will freeze over before you ever get a blowjob from me. Now please drive me home.”
I vowed to get cut in the college infirmary. But when I got to college, I procrastinated. Then one day in my junior year, while having late breakfast in the cafeteria, I read a health columnist in the local paper say that it was OK to sport an anteater. No one, including my parents and my pediatrician, had ever communicated anything like that to me. 10 years later, I read a book, Wallerstein (1980), that argued in detail that American circumcision was medical idiocy. That and Romberg (1985) embolded me to invite myself into the bedroom of a lonely woman who had told of the good times she had had with Asian and European lovers. I guessed right that she was foreskin-friendly. This year we’ve been married 25 years. My foreskin enabled me to walk along the sewer that was college sex in the 1970s and 80s, without ever falling in. I waited until I was 37 to lose my virginity, but it was worth it to wait until I found a rare baby boom woman who appreciated foreskin.
I was so young when I had my boys, I feel like a lot of decisions were made for me. You know, like that’s just what you do, so I did it. I’m not sure if I would make the same decision today, but I don’t really regret it…penis decisions are hard. (heh heh. See what I did there?)
It WAS totally different just 10 years ago. And penis decision are HARD. And awkward. (Penes are awkward–you know it. That junk is ugly no matter what.)
Girls rule. However, to add to the debate, if we had had a boy we would have had the circumcision done. Spring forward 29 years and now I would be on the fence and would probably flip a coin. Heads – snip. Tails – no snip.
It’s a totally different discussion 29 years later. For sure.
29 years ago, the bald penis was de rigeur except among a few hippies and intellectuals, Latinos, and sons of post WWII immigrants. America has since moved on. I am confident that snipping the tip will vanish from the white middle class by 2050, because the bald penis will be assumed to be less fun for women, and that’s a no-no.
I love your writing. =)
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Okay…where did you get the literature you left around the house? Maybe if you had done additional research, you would have changed the decision. Do you really want him to be more sensitive down there? Things progress rapidly enough without extra sensitivity. The best reason, coming from someone who has experienced it both ways: health. Statistically lower transmission of STDs, including AIDS, for circumcised males. Almost no incidences of yeast infections (statistically insignificant). And, last but not least, no waiting for a woman to “get used to it” as one of the above comments stated.
We did very thorough research, including talking with our pediatrician. We’re very confident in our decision. Thank you for reading.
Hi Peter…
I had my babies in 1999 and 2001 and was living in Berkeley, CA at the time. I did my research in 1999 b/c we decided not to find out the sex of the baby before she was born. During that time period, and especially in that part of the country, there was a fairly strong consensus against circumcision. The medical community was practically neutral, but their stance was that it was *slightly* better for the baby–for health reasons–not to circumcise. But most of the soon-to-be parents I knew were against circumcision, so it was actually a more controversial decision to have your child circumcised than not.
I’ve since moved to a more conservative area and was a little worried that my son would stand out more among his peers. So I did some more research about a year ago and was surprised to find that the medical community was now slightly in favor of circumcision. I also came across some graphs that broke down the percentage of babies circumcised per state, and a timeline that showed all of the flip-flopping of pediatricians over the years. So…my guess is that you can find lots of health reasons both for and against circumcision, and that the decision–which is ultimately a personal one–will depend somewhat on where you live and what the pediatricians are saying at the time.
And–as the commenter who had to get used to my boyfriend’s uncircumcised penis–I don’t think I even knew about circumcision back then (in the 1980’s). I thought they just came that way (circumcised) and was a little surprised by the extra skin! I think that when our kids become sexual they’ll be a bit more sophisticated about the topic than I was. Anyway, I’m glad to see by these comments that most of us seem happy with the choices we made at the time.
There is no honest counting of botched and lethal circumcisions in the USA. A handful of pediatric urologists have revealed that 25% of their caseload consists of repairing circumcision damage, but they won’t reveal the specifics. Nobody has done a study to see whether circumcised men are more or less likely to experience PE or ED. I believe that the circumcised penis ages more quickly, simply because the tender head is in constant contact with jockey shorts. I know of only one study that measured correctly the sensitivity of the penis, and it found that the most sexual parts of the penis are the parts removed by circumcision. Two provocative studies published around 2000 found that women who’ve been in relationships with both kinds of men prefer intact. Neither study was performed using a large random sample of North American women. But ther eis ample anecdotal evidence in social media that many American and Canadian women now prefer intact. I submit that this lack of information renders it impossible to make an informed decision about routine infant circumcision. Hence the practice should cease forthwith.
I had my son circumcised. I am glad I made that decision, but I also understand that it IS becoming more and more prevalent to wait. Each family has to make the decision that is best for them. I am glad you’re husband was willing to back down to keep you happy! <3
You’re absolutely right. Each family has to make the decision that is best for them. And I think these discussions are important: how important is it to you? Because I’ve had other things that weren’t as important to *me*. And he “won.” But, truly, it’s not about winning, but coming to a better understanding of each other.
I am greatly relieved that Missus Cynic and I are of one mind here. But this agreement is moot; all our children are daughters.
Genital cutting culture exists in many societies and is practiced in many different forms. It is driven by deeply rooted beliefs in proposed health, hygiene, social or other “benefits”. In some places it has evolved to resemble a “medical procedure” complete with curious “studies” to justify it. Even opinions of medical professionals are influenced by this culture. Men and women can keep themselves clean and healthy in the exact same way, and treat or prevent issues in the same way also. Boys and girls deserve the same protection against forced genital cutting.
I’m with you on this. Believe me.
I snipped all four boys. But I won’t get my daughter’s ears pierced until she is old enough to make the decision. Where is the logic in that?
It’s called being a parent. It’s HARD.
Funny ending!
Thank you. And it was 100% true. 🙂
i think the funniest part of this is that you said your ratings for how important it was and he said 8-9, and you said 10. i think the woman always says 10. that’s why we win.
I promise you that I do not say “10” for everything. I firmly believe in having honest conversations and letting my husband “win” when it’s more important to him. It’s about real discussions and open communication (that we didn’t do at first).
What an awesome goddamned post. Really.
My wife and I had the same argument with our first son, along the same exact lines. Except I won. I wish I would have lost. I’ll always regret it. Always.
But we had two sons. We didn’t for our second. Still doesn’t deaden my regret.
Thank you for being a rare regret father. Facebook reveals many regret moms.
Thank you, Jeff. I really appreciate that–especially coming from you. It is what it is. Go easy on yourself. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. (I have regrets too.)
I read the whole thing. In the fetal position.
I will have to make a new post of my own based on the title of your previous post.
“Who will just hold me now”
Both me and my son had this procedure done way back before we were old enough to actually remember the trauma, so I’m still thankful for that.
I look forward to reading that post, Eric.
I read this the other day and forgot to comment (I was on my phone, which is a disaster). Is it weird that The Boyfran and I actually had this conversation recently? We’re going with uncut, for our future theoretical boy children. Also, I think we were a little more than tipsy when we had the conversation, but it still counts. I think.
It totally counts, Aussa. TOTALLY.
I had our boys in 1979 and 1982. We were told with our first that it was getting more popular not to circumcise and that the boys his age would be about 50% clipped and 50% not clipped. I couldn’t stand to put him through that, and we were sort of that natural-childbirth-grind-your-own-baby-food generation, so we went with no surgery, even though they would be different than Dad. When our childbirth class got together after all the babies were born, we were the ONLY ones who hadn’t circumcised our boy. 50/50? Pffft.
As far as I know (we definitely don’t discuss this now) there have been no issues and the boys don’t seem traumatized or resentful 🙂
I am happy to know that a) we won’t discuss it soon, and b) there are no issues. 😉
28 years ago we circumcised our firstborn. It was easy, no decisions…everyone was doing it and Dad was cut. End of story. 4.5 years later we birthed another boy…a lot had changed in that time, including the fact you had to pay a couple of hundred dollars for the procedure! We decided against circumcision…believing he would be more the norm to the girls of his generation anyways. The doctor replied “congratulations! Now you have a turtle and an anteater!” Omg. Never heard of an issue between the boys or their dad….never ever discussed it again…except of course to share the doctor’s statement at parties, lol!
I would absolutely be repeating the doctor’s statement at parties. For. Sure.
The Boy is 15–not that long ago, but apparently long enough. In all the things we discussed leading up to his birth, circumcision wasn’t even on the table. We literally had that conversation, very quickly, with the doctor when he asked “will he be circumsized?”.
I don’t regret our decision at all, but thinking about how much it’s talked about now (15 years later), I’m still baffled that it wasn’t anything that was on our radar.
My son is only 8, and it’s hugely different from then. So, yes, 15 years ago was a LONG time. (Except we’re both very young. And pretty.)
Amusingly, when Bae was born, we decided to leave him au natural like his dad – and six months later, it became medically necessary for Hubs to get clipped.
And you really weren’t kidding about penis week were you?
That happens, for sure. And, no, I never kid. 😉
Here is more factual information. Psychology Today, a 6 part series on circumcision, with up to date research:
http://www.thewholenetwork.org/twn-news/psychology-today-a-5-part-series-on-circumcision
Facts and information are good. And I appreciate that you presented this in a respectful way. Thank you.
I don’t get why women are so concerned about the bit of pain a circumcision causes immediately after that child has caused in them the pain of childbirth! GUFFAW GUFFAW!
Also I’m apparently the only one who got lots of laughs at how many IT’S HARD comments there were in this thread. I AM TWELVE YEARS OLD.
A great read as always. I am on the “Don’t clip or snip the pene” team. My son is 16 and it is pretty much the norm here in Australia not to circumcise. We did have a nasty infection when he was 4 years old, but the poor bugger has a really tight foreskin, which may mean when he’s older he may need to be circumsized for medical reasons. But I will leave that up to him to decide. Love your work!!
So…. I just read all these comments and I keep coming back to the girls having to “get used to” the anteater. My first penis was not cut. It never occurred to me that this was unusual and it didn’t take any special acceptance on my part. It was just a penis and it was attached to my boyfriend. Since then, I’ve never seen another uncut penis in person but honestly there are all so different in shape and size anyway, so what’s a little skin? I don’t intend to ever have kids, but pretty sure if I did I’d argue hard to leave the little guy uncut.